Constantly questioning my parenting...

[ladypop]

I have 3.5yr old and 3 month old DS's but I keep feeling really low about my ability to parent them well. There are no major issues really....baby is pretty straight forward and eldest is typical toddler. I posted last night bout his behaviour which, whilst is not fantastic, isn't bad all the time.
I find myself looking on here for advice but if I then get replies that I sometimes don't want to hear I really take it to heart and feel like a crap mom, whereas I know, on the whole, the advice is well intentioned and not meant to have that effect.
I know this is a bit if a 'wo is me' post, but I just wondered if anyone else ever questions their abilities as a parent? I think it may stem from the fact that I am a bit of a perfectionist (I run my own business and therefore call all the shots and have control over most things) and when things don't go just right I think it is a reflection on me. Whereas I know you can't control children in the same way, but I sometimes forget that!
It just seems everyone else is so sorted!

I don't think anyone is 100% confident about their parenting 100% of the time. We all have wobbles. Seeking advice about things in MN is a good idea as you get a few different perspectives, try not to take the advice as criticism unless you post in AIBU! Don't be so hard on yourself

You need to question your parenting on order to be doing a good job. Reflection is what helps us learn and we need to learn and develop in our role just as much as our children. Anyone who thinks they have all the answers is probably getting it very wrong.

Any responses you receive on MN are based on very little information about you and lots of the writer's own perspective. Take the helpful suggestions and discard the 'advice' from the loons and the trolls.

Goldmantra You need to question your parenting on order to be doing a good job

exactly what I was going to post

Don't get downhearted by replies on other threads (or this one!) - there is a lot of judging here and as Goldmantra says, lots o responses based on not knowing full facts/circumstances.

I know I have days where my parenting is lacklustre at best, and then there are days where i think, well i think i got that right. some days are a mix of both.

i criticise myself a lot, and when i hear about what other parents do i think "wow, i don't do that, I'm shit". but then i think I'll do they things that they dont AND IT DOESNT MATTER.

I think as long as your kids know you care, and that you try to spend a little time playing/reading etc with them each day then that's great.

I knew a lovely lady really smart and switched on, brilliant at work, wonderful home, high achiever, so much ability.

She had her pfb, immediately began to question her own judgment, bag of nerves, worried she wasn't coming up to scratch.

I promise you she was her own worst taskmaster. She just needed to cut herself some slack.

You are doing fine. No medals for motherhood but you do the best you can and roll with it. Sound off on MN when you need to. We're most of us not 'experts' just parents so pick through the answers you get.

Babies don't come with a manual. The parents who just wing it may have thicker skin so aren't affected by judgey looks or random "My way was better" comments. I know better than to pass comment on another person's driving or fashion sense, why should I or anyone else be better qualified than you to get parenting right?

No one gets it 'right' all the time.
You can be the most confident person in work or socially and then get the shock of your life when you become a parent because its all new and emotions are involved.
Its hard to step back and see things logically or with commonsense when your baby or child is involved.
I discovered, after many many problems to try to use common sense. I stopped seeing the childrens behaviour as about them and more about how I was reacting or handling it.
I learned to say what I mean and mean what I say. To be consistent and to realise its ok for children to be upset when you are teaching them boundaries.
The best thing is - your kids will love you whether you get it right or wrong - and I think the fact you DO question yourself is good news for your children - because it shows you care!

PoppaDom, I think this is a fred. And there was very little judging on the other one.

OP, maybe a checklist would help:

i. Is this behaviour normal? If not, how do I get it investigated?
If yes, then go to

ii. If normal, is it desirable? If not, how do I stop it?

iii. Is it impacting on other people, e.g. other children, parents getting upset because their child has been hurt? If yes, go to

iv. If it is impacting on others, how can I minimise impact?
(often all that is needed is to show that you take it seriously and understand their pov- e.g. make a fuss over the child that has been hurt instead of defending your own dc).

v. If I am putting measures in place and the behaviour is still ongoing is it

a) because the measures are inadequate?

b) because it takes time for them to sink in?

Thanks - but what's a fred?

"referring to another thread". I think PoppaDom was concluding that you had been severely judged somewhere else.

Aah I see - I know that wasn't the case, just generally feeling a bit up and down and as a result, extra sensitive.

cory - though I didn't actually realise there was another specific thread, I was speaking generally - I think there can be some harsh judging here!

But thanks for letting me know about the 'Fred' thing - I hadn't heard that before!