Boys will be boys.....bit when is it too much!?

[ladypop]

Our 3.5yr old DS is a wonderfully sociable, confident and sensitive boy. He has always been very 'physical' and you could say 'spirited' !
However, during the past couple of months EVERYTHING is now a weapon.....even the inside of the toilet roll!
He recently moved rooms at nursery and the age range goes right up to school age so there are boys who are up to over a year older in there. But even with his own age peers I know they are all into batman etc and play fight with whatever they can get their hands on. I do accept this (although I know being a girl this isn't something I can really relate to!) and know that it is just what boys do.
The problem is that this behaviour coupled with his tendencies to become physical towards others (us, as well as other children) when he doesn't get his own way/doesn't want to share, is proving to be a real issue.
He can push or bite (this behaviour goes back quite a way, although it got really bad before Christmas it has since died down quite a lot).
He has, what I imagine, are usual toddler meltdowns which I can handle. But he is obsessed with goodies/baddies and just wants to pick huge sticks up at the park and jab them towards us and other people!!
This behaviour has not been helped by exposure to such DVDs as ninja turtles (I could kill my MIL for that one!) and batman etc. we have put an embargo on any figures/programmes that feature fighting or weapons as he is too impressionable to handle it at this age.
I have contacted my hv who has referred me to the the support team at our local children's centre to see if they can offer any support (poss parenting course) as we are really insure how to address such issues.
His default setting is very sweet and kind, but he just goes into these angry modes all the time at the moment and it is very wearing!
We have a 3 month old baby and I simply can't go to places with other children present without my husband/second pair of hands and eyes with me and the baby incase we have an incident involving other kids. I know it may be to do with the arrival of his baby brother, but he adores him (I know that it is still a difficult thing for them to adjust to though) but my gut instinct is that this would be happening regardless.
I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest (sorry it's a bit rambling!) but also see if anyone has experienced similar?

Ps I should say that the issue of watching, what I feel, inappropriate DVDs is still an issue we are addressing as DH mother still buys him figures/DVDs that we have asked her to avoid...she isn't purposely ignoring us but I don't think she sees it as much of an issues as we do, prob because he can do no wrong on her eyes and doesn't have to deal with it day in day out! But also because she is slightly on another planet sometimes (as much as I love her). DH is seeing her by himself tomorrow and is going to be taking to her about it again.

I would forget about the whole boys will be boys things for the time being: it isn't helping you to address behaviour that is clearly undesirable. You don't have to apologise to anyone because you stop him from bashing people. Really, you don't.

Just watch him like a hawk and the moment he hits or pushes anyone you take him straight home. Teach him it is unacceptable. Just keep doing it. Take anything away from him that he is using in a way that could hurt other people.

Don't worry if it doesn't work straightaway, just keep reinforcing that nobody is allowed to hurt anybody, that it is your job to stop it and that you will do that job.

For the record, I was a basher and a biter. But because I was a little girl, nobody felt in the least apologetic about stopping it. Hasn't done me any harm whatsoever. I still have far more innate aggression than my gentler brothers, but I have had to learn to channel it because my mother wouldn't stand for it. Good on her.

I agree with cory.
Forget boys will be boys, as it is, to a certain degree, minimising unsavoury behaviour.
I have two boys and a girl and none of them would thank your lad for a bite or a shove.

Take a zero tolerance approach and get him out of these habits.

You don't have to confess anything to me, but if by 'physical' you mean 'rough', and if by 'spirited' you mean 'defiant', then please for his own sake, be honest with yourself about his behaviour.
We all wear mummy goggles I know, so I know it's hard not to look at them and see the good intention behind them (particularly when we know them so well)...but trust me when I say, that other people do not see the same. You have to be realistic.

We do always address any incidents seriously, but I do feel I could do with more help. For the record, physical means just that - he has always been a climber and quite fearless, but not rough. Yes, he is defiant but show me a 3.5yr old who isn't and I will show you 10 that are.
I am not defending his behaviour but feel that I may have painted an overall negative picture.
I think the physical responses he sometimes gives are born out of difficulty in handling his emotions - he is often as upset afterwards as the person he has done it to.

..... Surely we are not the only parents this has happened to!?

I'm sorry I can't help you better. I think a course would be excellent - I'd go on one myself if I got the chance...we can always learn better strategies.

I have no insight into this one at all, other than from an outsiders pov. I hope someone is along to be of more use soon.

Thanks for your response anyway.....must get some sleep now as one or the other will be up at some point in the night!

ladypop Tue 30-Jul-13 22:57:30
"..... Surely we are not the only parents this has happened to!?"

No indeed, I am drawing on experience- though of a daughter rather than a son. Dd was very much like you describe, and so was I according to my mother. We both had gentle little brothers, which made it extra important to make sure we were under control; they were just sitting targets.

Absolutely agree that it is about immaturity in handling emotions, but think that is precisely why you have to help them by showing them that you will stop it every single time. It is for their sense of security as much as anything else.

They grow out of it eventually but in the meantime they need your protection from the consequences of their own emotions. And that means instant reaction every time- even if you have to be prepared to keep it up for a few years. I had to, with dd. But she is now a lovely considerate teen and the work has been very worthwhile. And little brother is still in one piece. I am fairly lovely too. And my little brother is still in one piece. All worth it in the end.

This might not be a discipline/ behaviour problem at all. Perhaps he has some issue that makes him angry or unable to interract with other children in the way you would expect. (auditive processing problems for example) I would really try to get a copy of "The out of sync child" and see if you can identify his behaviours and find a solution.

I am glad DS1 loves his baby brother and none of this energy or 'challenging behaviour' (anything from wilfulness to aggression) is directed at him.

Regarding others: yes, moving into the bigger room at nursery will be exciting and stimulating and he will want to run with the herd. He will be louder to make himself heard yet at this stage he can flip from hearty rough play to tears in seconds.

"I don't allow toy guns or Batman they promote violence" said one mother smugly as we looked past her to where her angelic 4 year old was kicking seven bells out of his playmates.

Testosterone surge or not, at any rate after 3, children get physically more confident and capable but lose control of their tempers.

Address any tantrums or unacceptable actions at once, take a few deep breaths then wade in, try and keep your voice calm and unshouty. He's very much loved, he knows it, you can reprimand him without crushing his spirit believe me. A cool off area away from an audience helps or if necessary cut short a visit, go home.

I found small snacks fuelled them so they didn't get tetchy, but do watch sugary intake. Let them out in tons of fresh air with exercise to wear them out; not likening your boy to a dog but think of keeping a vigorous breed from destructive anti social behaviour.

Is there a safe play area outdoors or softplay indoor facility near you where you can sit with baby while DS1 burns off energy?

Mix playdates with small tasks he can achieve and feel good about accomplishing at home. A specific job like, "Please fetch X" or "Could you please pick up/tidy Y?" That way he looks to you for praise and encouragement so you can focus on positive actions.

He may have dropped a nap altogether, quiet time if not actual sleep can give him a breather.

One friend confided she must have worn out 3 phrases "Indoor voice', "One at a time!" and 'Where are your hands?" with her sons.

At nearly four DS1 is old enough to start revoking privileges, and get pulled up on blatant rough behaviour towards his peers. (The nursery should do their bit to enforce good behaviour when he's in their care, have you asked how they do this?). The main responsibilty for his self control lies with you and DH.

Sorry for epic post, but your son can be sweet and gentle sometimes so all is not lost.

Brilliant suggestions there from Donkeys.

My ds1 (nearly 4) started to get like this at about 3.5yrs too. He sounds very much like your ds. He went through a terrible hitting stage before that and although we still have the occasional incidents, he is much better.

I also take a zero tolerance approach but to some extent you can't deny his natural urges. My ds is so much better at controlling them now that I've given him strategies but he just has natural energy and desire for physical play. He responds much better to structure so we have a regular routine.

The majority of my friends' ds at this age were exactly the same btw. They have all calmed down considerably since then.

I'm not saying just to accept it- I still work very hard to teach him the right way to behave- but to some extent you just have to find ways he will respond to better.

SO in a sense you are denying his natural urges, Sponging, but you are doing it in the kindest and most understanding way by giving him plenty of outlet for related natural urges (boisterousness without aggression). I found this worked well with dd too: she got much better after she took up ballet.

He just sounds like a lot of other little boys who get carried away with imaginary play.
The getting physical if he doesn't get his own way or want to share is an appropriate behaviour learning issue so if you are not sure how to handle that, then seek the advice from a professional - Your children's centre is probably ideal as your HV suggested.
It may be a nuisance and may be tiring for you - especially with a baby, but a lot of it may his personality - and tbh - sounds normal to me :)

cory yes, denying is probably not the right word to use- more like recognising the negatives associated with such a temperament but channelling them to the positive (like you, not ballet, but a kiddie version of martial arts which teaches them how to harness the aggression positively and with discipline- he unfortunately can't start until he's four but already on the books!)

One further suggestion is to teach him phrases that can help him form a non-physical response to threats. Teach him to be verbally assertive. So, instead of just saying "NO, we DON'T HIT" you can add "we say, can I have a turn?" or "we say, "don't push me please, that hurts" or "we say, it's my truck. You can have a turn soon."