Talking to 2.8 year old about cancer

[lizardqueenie]

I was wondering if I could ask anyone for their professional or personal experience with this. We have found out that my DH probably has pancreatic cancer & he'll shortly be going into hospital to have part of his pancreas and his spleen removed- it's a big long operation & he'll be in hospital for a couple of weeks & probably still be quite poorly when he comes home.

Although we won't be telling our small dd about the actual cancer I wondered if anyone had advice on what we could tell her about daddy being poorly- a few people I've spoke to have said u have to be careful saying things like daddy has a sore tummy in case she gets tummy ache & thinks she'll have to go to hospital too.

She will miss him terribly & we hope that at some point she will be able to visit him in hospital but wonder if we should sit down & talk to her before & how to deal with it all.

Thanks for help & advice in advance

My DH has acute myeloid leukaemia and our DS was 4 when the initial diagnosis was made. We did tell him stuff (and continue to tell him) - eg. we did say leukaemia and said blood cells weren't working properly. We were specific about it being unusual and didn't happen to very many people. Macmillan have a fantastic guide on how to talk to children and may have more specific advice - do give them a call or look online. Your hospital may have a Rosie's Centre or equivalent which may have advice as well. Do take your DD into the hospital, it makes a huge difference to the patient, as well as the child. You will need to explain about hygiene, washing hands, visiting hours (pick a regular time to always call at night to say goodnight/have a short story), take stuff into hospital for your DD to do (we took puzzles, books etc and there was a day room). You may need to repeat stuff, but I am very much in favour of openness for you all. I was impressed with how adaptable my DS was - and there were other children visiting their parents as well - so definitely visit even if it's only briefly. You will need to try and give some timelines as well - coming home and still being ill is a conversation we are still having! There may be other changes you have to make as well - eg our cat had to be found a new home, if one of us has a cold then we couldn't visit in hospital. I had to find additional after school/nursery care as DH couldn't do that any more. Good luck with it all - and especially for your DH.

Didn't want to read and run - first of all, hope you're doing OK as this must be a really scary time for you all.

For what it's worth, my DM developed lung cancer when DD was about the same age - unfortunately her prognosis was not good, but I had the same concerns about telling DD that Grandma had 'a nasty cough' in case she became scared of a cold. The way I did it eventually was to say that Grandma was very sick and had a really nasty illness that made her cough: most of the time when people have a cough it gets better by itself ('a bit like the time you had a cough and it got better after a day or two'); sometimes people have to go to the doctor to get medicine to help it get better ('like when the doctor had a listen to your chest with the stethoscope and you got a sticker'), but very occasionally people get a nasty illness and they need a lot of special medicine to help them. It takes a long time and they can't always do everything they'd like to ('like carrying you!') but it will make Grandma really happy if you draw her a picture/ bring her a plant/ make some biscuits for her when we see her next.

It really worked for me - it kind of explained that a) it's unlikely to happen to her or me; b) it did limit what my mum could do - so no running about or bouncing on her legs or whatever, and c) there was something concrete that DD could do to help.

to you and your DH: I really hope everything goes well for him.

Thank you for your replies and kind wishes everyone.

KW13 I'm so sorry to hear about your DH & I really do appreciate you sharing your experience with me. I hadnt heard of a Rosie's centre before_ I know the hospital have their own macmillan centre so I will look to see if there is any more advice there. How was long was your DH in hospital for if you don't mind me asking?

The timescales that we have at the moment are that DH will be in hospital for around 2 weeks after the operation, some of that will be in intensive care but i hope that when he moves into a step-down ward DD can come and visit. Also why did you have to find a new home for your cat? We have 2 cats so that might be important for us. Thanks for your practical advice about things to take in for DD too.

If you don't mind me asking-how did you cope with the sort of juggle (work, home, hospital, childcare etc) whilst your DH was in hospital? This is going off topic a bit I suppose but I just don't know anyone else personally in a similar situation with a young DC.

Vlad- thank you for your support too, I am doing ok, some days are better than others but I am spurred on by how bloody amazing my DH has been about it all, very strong and positive, god I love him. I am sorry to hear about your DM, your explanation of how you explained everything to you DD sounds really helpful, I think my DD would do well with a similar explanation ending with something that she feels that she could do at the end and I think that her nursery (who have been really supportive) would also be able to help in that way too.

Freya- thanks for your advice too, I suppose that there is a lot of sense in using the word cancer whereas a bad or sore tummy is something used quite frequently for lots of different and more common things, whereas cancer will only be used in the correct situation.

Thanks again everyone

There is a thread here for people who are supporting a DH with cancer - lots of the lovely ladies have children, and I am sure they would be full of really helpful tips. Really good luck.