What now?

[Sparklysilversequins]

Ds has been rude and obnoxious for a few days now, I have told him off for it and that's been it. Today he was the worst he has been, answering back, smirking, generally being a PITA. So I banned him from the computer/screen time (very important to him). I just walked past his room and found him with the IPad. I took it away and said "I told you no screen time" to which he replied "well I don't really care what you think" with a smirky look on his face. So I have now removed the lap top AND IPad from his bedroom. He is still defiant and has started winding his sister up. Right now I am ignoring him.

As background his arsehole of a father has been promising to come and see him for four days and as yet has not turned up. I know this is bothering him but he is not able to articulate it very well, though he told me his dad "is skating on thin ice" with him right now .

So I don't want to sanction too much as I know there are underlying reasons for his behaviour but at the same time I feel he is at an age where if he isn't shown firm boundaries he could start to exhibit this kind of behaviour regularly. He is 10. Any thoughts please?

I really feel for you and your son. I lived though this situation as a child myself (and I think I turned out ok despite it! Though I think my mother may have gained a few grey hairs in the process).

Is there someone else the lad can talk to? I ask because I remember many moons back coming across a child of about 8 going through the same. I was about 16/17 at the time. The kid was part of a youth group I helped out with. Mum brought her in at the end of her tether with her one evening and I spent most of the evening talking to her and telling her about my experience and then trying to get her to talk about what was bothering her. A big thing she felt was that she was the only one this horrible situation was happening to - so finding out that someone else had been through it helped her feel more 'normal'. After a couple of weeks I was able to get her to talk though how she felt with her mum so she could take it from there.

Something that has just struck me as a reread your message is you say 'Right now I am ignoring him.' Not meaning to critizise you in anyway - and you might not mean it as it comes across to me- but thinking about my 4 year old and her tantrums (not in the same league I know!) could you try the toddler tactic of ignoring the poor behaviour, but ensuring you really praising the tinyest of good etc. (hard I know) My thinking is that he is being ignored by his father, so is seeking additional attention from you, even from his sister, by fair means or foul and any attention is better than none.

Good luck anyway - hopefully others will add more practical solutions too - I've no experience of disciplining a 10 year old!

Thanks for replying, going to go back and read again properly but when I say I was ignoring him, I was only ignoring his attempts to get a rise, when he was talking normally to me I was responding as usual.

But that is a very very good point you made about his Dad ignoring him and therefore he is needing more from me. I hadn't thought of it quite like that.