I'm clueless, tired and fed up

[plannedshock]

This might be long winded!!
My 4mth dd does not sleep. It takes me literally hours to settle her. She screams hysterically, won't allow herself to nod off and when she finally does,wakes as soon as lay her down, and round and round we go. She doesn't self soothe never just lays anywhere cooing.
I feel it's having a serious effect on me, my partner works from heights and needs to sleep (he makes up for it with everything else) so we are in separate rooms.
I feel like I'm shit and dont know what's wrong with her so just end up putting her on my boob to shut her up but obviously that doesn't work all the time!
Today I've been inside all day just feeding her and trying to get her to nap-shes knackered and so am I. She doesn't have colic or reflux, feeding is fine I don't want a dummy.
I don't really know what I'm asking but I just didn't think it would be this relentless and brain numbing!! The screaming is constant when she's tired Im fine in myself but just completely worn down by it all.

Hello, my little boy was like that and I nearly went mad! I gave him a Cuski comforter and it made a HUGE difference. They are 16 pounds on Amazon and completely safe to leave in the cot. Put it down your top for a day so it smells of you and see how you go. I also used an automatic rocker and I have only just stopped using it now as he is too big for it. Do not worry about sleep crutches, you can break any habit once you get some sleep! Big hugs, I hope one of these suggestions helps xx.

Just one more thing, you said she does not have reflux but could it be silent reflux. My boy is on Gaviscon and that also made a difference. I can never confirm that he does have silent reflux all I know is that if I stop the Gaviscon for a few days he becomes very unsettled. Maybe check it out with your HV or GP xx.

That would be motherhood in 3 words!

Co sleep, get your partner to take her on the weekends and remember "it's only a phase and this too will pass."

Thanks ladies! I do co-sleep its the only thing keeping me sane! Good suggestion with the comforter I will get one she seems to like covering her head so need a safe one! Definately not silent reflux, went to drs a while back and got given renitidine (?) made no difference!
I think I just stress myself out because i feel like I don't achieve anything during the day! My partner is so good and offers to have her all the time but its hard to actually switch off he takes her and I just hover round him.
I don't know what I would do without the real housewives of Beverly Hills during the day ;) I will be glad when she is past this stage but don't want her to grow up!!
God I'm such a freak! A sweaty stressed tired new mum freak!!!

You really have my sympathies! You say you do not want to use a dummy and I totally respect that, but have you considered the bigger picture? I know it is something that you will have to take away from her at a later point but if it helped her to settle (it may not, she might not even take it) wouldn't you all be happier/less tired? Just a thought I am putting out there - I certainly so not mean to undermine your decisions. xx

Ps I was really against dummies with our first, but did give him one at 4 months as he was really struggling to settle. It did help and he actually gave it up when he was teething of his own accord at about 10 months. Our 3 month old DS 2 on the other hand had one from day 3! and uses it everytime to get to sleep as he simply would not settle and I realised he was a 'sucky' baby bit wasn't actually hungry x

I felt like that when my DD was 8 wks, felt like I achieved nothing each day, & a friend lent me a book called 'What Mothers Do especially when it looks like nothing at all'. It was a massive help.
It also helped to keep telling myself 'this too shall pass' and when she wouldn't sleep anywhere but in my arms for hours at a time I reminded myself that there wil come a day when I would love to cuddle her and she won't be interested! X

ignoring the sleep for now, what is it that comforts her so she doesn't cry? Is it rocking/moving? being cuddled? or sucking? anything else?

personally i'd do anything that would simulate that (dummy if it's sucking, swaddling if it's being held, or sling or if it's rocking, battery-operated swing...) she's so young that i don't think you should worry about 'bad habits' at this stage.

Another vote for silent reflux here. Small babies need and want to sleep. Something is bothering her to stop her from doing that. If it is silent reflux most is caused by babies reacting to traces of cows milk protein from the mum's diet in her bm. An exclusion diet of all dairy and soya and an antacid like ranitadine or omeprazole (gaviscon isnt great for bf babies) could give you both your lives back.

She did have a dummy but just kept spitting it out, so there was no point. Is there such a thing as babies that power nap and just don't need sleep?
It will pass,it will pass, it will pass, my new mantra!

What about teething? Is she dribbling or seems fussy during feeding? My oldest had 2 teeth at 3 months so it's possible she's been feeling discomfort for a little while and it's interrupting her sleep. Maybe try some calpol one night about 20 mins b4 bed and see if she settles for a bit longer.

If not I agree that any sleeping crutch necessary is needed to get you through the first few months.

Swaddling?

My DD spits the dummy out initially so I use my fingertips just as a guide to stop it falling out of her mouth until she starts to suck on it. It provides her with comfort and she goes right off to sleep. I used to have to sway her to sleep so this is much less tiring. And being a new mum is bloody tiring enough!

Maybe she is teething she has gone super dribbley, but her gums don't look red, she used to like being swaddled but I got worried about her over heating in this weather

My little one was like this at the same age and I felt exactly how you do, almost like you don't remember the day as they all blend in. What worked for me was getting him into a proper routine. He never self soothed so I built in a routine every morning, maybe a walk in pushchair or sling, then nap in swinging chair, then a feed, then playtime, nap, feed, bath, quiet time with soft lights, you get the idea! He seemed to relish in it & grew to expect it so in turn knew it was nap time. I know it's mind numbing & repetitive but that's early motherhood, but this will help if it works for your little one. Worth a try & good luck

I know what you mean, I am still a bit apprehensive about it, but we have adjusted his other layers accordingly and he has sometimes just had a nappy on under the swaddleme that we use (got a thin cotton one from amazon) and a huge fan rotating next to his cot!

I will second about the dummy! Little hawk would feed literally all day from me and I couldn't even go to the loo. He would stuggle to settle and my h/v suggested a dummy. I really was opposed to the idea, but gave in eventually. It helped immensely, and the minute his teeth started coming about 7 months, he literally spat the dummy out, and would no longer even entertain the idea. By that point, he could settle better and his feeding had sorted itself out. Go for it. Any port in a storm!