Biting at nursery

[aideesmum]

My ds is 15months and most days now for the last couple of weeks he comes home from nursery with bites from another child (apparantly the same age).
Most of the time they have just been red marks left on his arm but today he came home having been bitten on the face and it has drawn blood. He is not an angel and the staff have told me he has bitten the other child a couple of times.
I know they don't really understand what they are doing.
Is this something that we'll just have to put up with or should I say something to the nursery?

DS1 was a nursery bitter and was also the victim. I also don't think he learnt it at nursery because he bit us enough time...sometimes in play.

I think as long as you agree with the way the staff are handling these incidents then there's not a great deal more you can do unfortunately. The phase does pass.

My dd came home from nursery today with bite mark on arm - still very red at 5pm although it happened at 9am! Staff were worried, but I was more annoyed that the child clearly hasn't been told not to do it at home. I know 17 month olds may find it hard to understand, but I wouldn't let mine away with such anti social and viscious behaviour! There, rant over. Feeling sorry for lo...

At 17 months old, biting is not viscious or anyisocial, it's normal. 17 months old is a baby, it makes no difference whether they are "allowed" to do it at home or not. If they bite, they bite, if they don't, you are a lucky mother.

I disagree, biting food is normal, biting people is not - or at least shouldn't be taken as such. They'll only learn if they're told/shown what's right and wrong and 17 months is not too young IMHO... (ducks for cover...)

my ds was an avid biter...at home and at nursery, he was also the victim a few times. It drove me to tears on several occasions but thankfully he grew out of it. I (IMHO!) think it is part of "normal" development...but it is an antisocial part of development that just like hitting/pushing/kicking/nipping etc we (or whoever looks after our children)need to teach our children that it's wrong. 17mths is not to young to start learning whats acceptable behaviour and whats not. Boundary setting needs to be set at a young age otherwise you then have to back track...all just my HO though!!

I aggree and disagree Alexw.
Biting shouldn't become normal to a child. They have to be taught it is wrong and frankly I would be taching that from the word go as much as possible. Very young children understand the word NO.
But biting is a phase that some children go through and they are just trying out new behaviour. It has to be carefully managed as it is seen as worse than hitting, scratching etc which all can cause physical marks on another child but are socially more acceptable.
(and as I duck for cover no I don't think biting is acceptable an I would stop it wherever possible but some children DO go through a phase until they learn that it is not acceptable)

It is far too young to condemn a baby as vicious and antisocial because that baby has learned that a certain action gets a reaction. At 4, it would be vicious and antisocial, at 17 months it is so common it is percieved as normal baby behavior.

Pointless condemning the parents, I don't imagine they were stood behind the baby telling it to bite other children - which is how close to the baby they would have to be to stop the child biting.

A 17 month old baby will not remember that yesterday mummy said no biting, so they mustn't bite now. Neither do they have the self control not to, even if they do know they shouldn't.

alex - you are joking right? You expect a 17 month old to be told not to do it at home, them go into nursery, remember that process it and act accordingly?? Really??? You must have very advanced 17 month olds.

As long as the nursery are following some sort of procedure (ie have a policy in place- ask them what it is), then I think you have to accept that children this young in nursery will get bitten every now and then. If my child was bitten several times by the same child I would just check with th nursery that the biter was
biting other children as well. It's not likely at such a young age, but if the biter did happen to be singling your child out then the nursery might need to do something extra to keep an eye on your child.

Not a joke. If 17 months is too young not to expect them to bite, then what age is it acceptable for them not to bite?? Surely it's better to insist on good behaviour and be consistent from the start without making excuses for bad behaviour?...

oh fgs.

Yes you can give a suitable response to biting - teaching them it is not acceptable- but the reality is when you have a child with limited langauge who doesn't yet understand that other people feel different things to him then you can't expect a little chat from mummy and daddy at home to have the remotest effect on behaviour at nursery.

You can consistently apply a strategy at home, and the nursery can do the same but the reality is it can take ages for a child this young to understand.

Incidentally I have never had a biter (although I suspect ds3 might bite when he goes to nursery unless all his teeth are through).

Understanding why children behave a certain way is not the same as making excuses for bad behaviour.

How old is your DD alexw? Does she never bite, hit, push or throw objects at other children? If she doesn't then that's great and lucky you, but I can assure you it's not down to you and what you have taught her at home. In our nursery there is a little boy who still bites and he is 3.5. A bit old to bite maybe, but he is still only little and I am sur ehe will grow out of it. A shame if other parents start thinking of him as anti-social and vicious. I actually think it's a bit vicious to say that about such small children you know. FGS give them time!

I have always insisted that ds does not hit - ever. I am extremely consistant.

He still hits, occasionally. He is disciplined for it - but he is 3. Sometimes, 3 year olds hit people. It isn't nice, but that does not mean he isn't normal. That is why a 3 year old is not accountable in a court of law for their actions.

Actually that's a good point KC when ds1 was little he never snatched, bit, hit or pushed. he smiled and beamed at everyone. However that behaviour was not remotely normal, I now realise he was way too passive- he;s actually severely autistic. We have had some concerns about ds3 (17 months) but I take the pushing and shoving and grabbing that he does as good indications that he is developing normally.

Dear Aiddesmum
I suggest that you speak to nursery management ASAP and have your concerns noted. They should have a written policy on biting.

Many children bite, but I am concerned that a bite on the face is a very serious thing. I assume you had to sign an accident form?

Both my DDs were bitten at nursery, around the 12-20 months stage.It does happen, but you have the right to protect your child from foreseeable harm.

I spoke to management fairly quickly with DD1, as I felt that I was leaving DD1 down to be bitten, which I just couldn't do
We were made to feel like unreasonably fussy parents, which I am happy to be when it comes to H&S. It turned out that X was biting all and sundry, they moved him to another room which seeemed to distract him, and it settled down.

With DD2,I took a zero tolerance attitude, and explained that I was expecting a supportive regime immediately because of the experience with DD1.
On DD2's bite no.3 or so, the description was 'he pinned her down on the floor and bit her on the back'. I knew a lot of the other parents, and it turned out DD2 was just one of several victims of multiple bites.
If it happened just a few times you might take a different attude.It was told by the Nursery manager that the biter had bitten in excess of 40 times!
A bite on the face that drew blood is very serious.
Habit/stage , call it what you will, it needs to be nipped in the bud.
We accepted that it could happen again, perhaps by another child, and that perhaps we would be the biter's parents ourselves some day.

Several parents removed their children from the nursery over this issue when they discovered the level of biting that had been occuring without any move of child.

Are you suggesting the child should have been expelled madchad?

I spoke to the manager when I picked him up yesterday and she just said they can't watch them 100% all the time!
He is very happy at the nursery so it doesn't seem to be affecting him too much so I guess we'll have to wait for this 'phase' to pass.
Yes I did have to sign an accident book but I seem to be signing it everyday at the moment.
I'll find out if he is not the only one being bitten and take it from there.

Biting and aggression is a normal developmental phase. If you are lucky enough, your child never goes through it but if he/she does, then it is more severe in some children than others. And some children take longer than others to grow out of it. But with consistent and gentle guidance, the child should get the message eventually - it could take months and I imagine years for others. Aideesmum, it sounds like you have the right attitude. So long as your ds seems happy, there is nothing much to worry about. My dd sinned and she was sinned against. It all comes out in the wash.

aideesmum believe me it is much better to be signing the accident book as the mother of the victim than the perpetrator (mine have never piched- but ds1- severely autistic went trhough a phase of pinching- really hard- and I had to sign every time I went in- it was awful- luckily only lasted a couple of weeks). We then went back to signing as the victim- FAR better!

Me too Jimjams. It really put a spring in my step the first time mine came home with big juicy bitemarks from nursery!

Cannot believe some people could be so critical of a response of a loving mother when their only and first child gets bitten.

I don't really see what being a first and only child has to do with it. It hurts 3rd children when they get bitten as well.

If you send your child to nursery then you have to be realistic. They will get bitten and pinched and pushed and shoved and whatever, they're in close contact with a bunch of other toddlers.

if a child is bitten then an accident/incident book should be filled in. The biter should have some sort of reprimand (turning away breifly- so removing attention can work quite well). Different children might need a different response, and different ages need a different response. But the reality is - even with the right response in place it can take a very long time for such young children to understand that biting is not on. Such young children don't necessarily use language to process thoughts, theirs is a sensory world- and they explore it in that way.

Nursery managers (good ones) tell me they can't stop biting every time. it's just the way it is. i can't stop ds1 pinching me (not fast enough for a lot of the time) so it must be harder when there are 2 children further away. Most biting incidents are not aggressive in this age group, they are exploratory. I watched ds3 get ds2 a few days ago (ds3 is my first biter) and he did it because ds2's arm was there. No other reason.

Aideesmum- It is not very nice when your children is biten but unfortunately it is a prt of toddlers development, howvere if it is the same child biting your child I speak to the nursery about it and ask what they are doing to stop the other child doing it especially if they are aware that it is the same child biting all the time.

Alexw- Unfortunately a toddler biting is normal behaviour for that age group and not antisocial , it is a way of expressing their frusration , some also say its a way of showing anxiety or even stress. But consisitenly saying no and telling them it is wrong will take time and doesn't happen over night.

When my DS1 was at day care nusery he was being bitten and on three ocassions by the same child, it is not very pleasant and I was very concerned, then a few months later the table was turned and he became the biter. When DS2 went through the biting stage , usually biting his older brother it was out of sheer frustration, and used to happen in front of us so quick that we could not stop it.

Each and everyone of us cares about our children but we do have to be relaistic that accept that hese things are part of a childs development and nothing to do with antisocial behaviour at this
age group and as responsbile parenst we have to try and nip it in the bud but it does take time.

alexw - first off, I'm sorry your daughter was bitten. It's horrible when it happens to your child - my son was bitten several times at nursery so know how you must feel. That said, I've been researching this topic recently and, in doing so, have spoken to a number of experts in the field, so think I can post with a certain level of authority when I say that you are wrong if you think that biting is so easily managed. Biting isn't a normal development phase - just ask a paediatrician - but it is still relatively common. About one in ten kids of this age will go through a biting phase - and you can bet that, during that time, most will have parents who will be doing all that they can to try and stop it. I've interviewed a number of parents of "biters" - all felt mortified that their children had hurt other children, whether maliciously or not - and a lot of the time it is exploratory, as JimJams says. But while you can tell a 17 month old that biting is nasty and not something that we do, you can't expect them to necessarily take that message with them the next morning they walk into nursery. Especially as the ability to empathise with others really hasn't kicked in by this age - heavens, the kids don't even really play with each other at this point, just alongside each other. All you can hope is that if you keep repeating the message, it will eventually get through - either that or the phase will run its course. Of course you can (and should) insist on good behaviour and be consistent in your demands - but don't be too surprised if your own DD turns round one day soon and does something that you've previously told her not to. It's just what toddlers do.