Sibling rivalry: Please help!!

[mamaonion]

My eldest DS (6) is fiercely jealous of his younger brother (5) - there is less than 2 years between them and their relationship has always been intense and love/hate (can't live together, can't live without each other iyswim). Owing to close age they have similar intersts and similar toys, and the younger one tends to look up to ds1 and jump on any new craze. They do play some really lovely games together sometimes - and currently share a room.

The problem is my ds1 seems so angry at his brothers mere existence. He seeks every chance to put him down - even in subtle ways, and blames him for things he has played no part in. He seems to have a distorted perception that his brother is favoured. After a lot of reflection I think deep down he is truly jealous of his brothers confidence and social ease. They have both just started a new school and making friends comes so easily to ds2. Also ds2 takes to sports much more quickly, which has been a source of frustration fpr ds1. I tell them both so much that I love them, have tried lots more 1-2-1 recently,descriptive praise, talk about how I don't compare them as they are too different. I farm one out to do a play date for the other as if they are both there it is a disaster. I think the stress of moving house has enhanced all this. I'm even thinking of separating their bedrooms but this would be problematic and would perhaps involve the baby sharing with us or ds2. COuld this make a real difference/

Does anyone have any easy tips to help my ds1 feel more secure in himself and hopefully less jealousy and anger towards his brother? I found the 'siblings without rivalry' book helpful - perhaps I should brush up on it as sometimes old habits can slip back in!!!

I would let ds1 (and ds2) have their own interests. Just because ds1 is doing something it doesn't mean that ds2 has to-even if he wants to.

My dp always got db (4 years younger) to do what I did. If I was better (naturally) a lot was made that I was older, and anyway, wasn't he doing well for his age? If he was better then "wow! Look everyone! Db is brilliant at this..."
I found whatever I was doing I was feeling pressured to perform, which took a lot of the enjoyment out.
If I was doing noticably better it was played down because "we don't want to upset db and put him off".

I would keep them separated, and let ds1 have things that ds2 doesn't get until the same age too. That's only a year, but maybe when you buy ds1 something special ds 2 gets it at the same time?
Something else I had a lot of. I had a big dsis (3 years older) and a lot was made of I couldn't have something until I was the same age as she was when she got it. Then db would get it at the same time as "it wasn't fair on him to be left out".

As a result, with my dc, I am very careful to make sure they have their own interests that they feel are theirs alone. They do a lot of similar things, but also have their own that is their territory.
Things like if they go to a children's group I will ask for them to be separated because dd2 makes friends quicker than dd1.
Dd2 will also regard any of dd1's friends as her friends. So if dd1 makes friends, then dd2 regards herself as part of the group. If dd2 makes friends, she's happy for dd1 to join in, but dd1 sees herself as not wanted and goes on her own. They're generally happier to be free to be themselves, not each other's sister.

For the same reason if dd1 has friends over dd2 isn't allowed generally to go and play too-because I found dd1's friends would go "what a cute little younger sister you have. We must make sure the game revolves around her..." and dd1 would feel left out.
Even now when they're older if dd1 has a friend round I'll find dd2 coming up saying "would you like to come and see my XXX?"
Dd2 isn't doing this because she wants to pinch the friend, but it's her general way of being friendly, but the result would always be the same. I tend to make sure dd2 either has a friend round too or has things she has to do. She's also not allowed in dd1's room when friends are around.

Dd1 does see things as easier for dd2, I can see that it's not. If dd1 makes a friend, it's a friend for life. If dd2 makes a friend, it can be best friend for a week-so a lot more ups and downs.

I'd stomp on the rudeness and nastiness and put downs and concentrate on the differences between them and encouraging the differences.

Thanks for your thoughts. Dewe I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who has to give this some detailed thought! Recently we've put them in different Saturday morning classes to reduce competetiveness- one in tennis and one in football- their choosing - and it's been great. I can see ds2 itching to do the tennis, so will wholeheartedly go with the 'when you're the same age' tactic as a reason not to do it. They're 2 academic years apart- so can eek it out to 2 years if I say 'when you're in yr 2 you can do tennis!'

I think separate rooms might help as ds1 likes his space bit ds2 is a real chatterbox- I think ownership of his own room could be helpful and make it easier to keep them separate on play dates. Will get room swap planning.

I am very hot on the put downs as I'm really tuned in to them just now and although ds2 is pretty thick skinned I'd hate for him to feel not protected. He is no angel either and knows exactly how to wind his big brother up! But basically they're both lovely and I love them both to bits and I truly hope they'll be close one day, and not need psychoherapvfor years to recover from their poorly managed sibling rivalry!!