What consequences are there for hitting in your house?

[rhetorician]

DD is 4.5 and going through a hitting phase (again). There are two things that trigger it. Firstly, any thing she has to share with her sister, or that her sister takes from her. Lashes out. Secondly, quite often when DP or I reprimand her or tell her she can't do something. It's often accompanied by making faces, aggressive growling or name calling. We tend to put her in time out for hitting, and to take away tv/bike/treats for the other things. But it doesn't seem to have any impact, even when warned. She just does it again the next time. She doesn't seem to care that we disapprove, or get that people don't like children who hit.

I'm not sure what's at the root of all this aggression, or how to deal with it. She clearly cannot regulate her emotions. She knows hitting is wrong, but conflict makes her fearful, makes her lash out. But she has to learn to stop it. She is also defiant and often refuses to do as she is told, but that doesnt worry me quite so much. Until last week when she had a nasty cold, we had about three weeks of pretty good behaviour.

DD2 is 19 months and DD1 is due to start school after the summer. I am not enjoying her company very much at the moment.

The consequences are pretty similar in our house. Sounds really tough on you and I doubt dd1 is feeling very happy either. Do you think she would respond well to the sticker chart? Say 3 non hitting days and she gets to go for lunch or swimming with you? Do you have someone who can have dd2 for you? What do you do with dd1 when dd2 naps?

Thanks for the link. As I suspected, this behaviour would be expected of a younger child. I told her tonight that if she can get through all of tomorrow without hitting then I will give her a treat. Main problem is that she resists the calm reasoning part, changes the subject, acts silly etc. She doesn't do this anywhere else to my knowledge.

She is at nursery when dd2 naps, although she gets plenty of 1:1 attention from both of us.

If its any consolation my dd hits her brother sometimes and she's nearly 6. We know she does it in frustration, he is bright and verbal and rubs rings around her, she lashes out in frustration but its still hard when they are hitting out. DS does get punished and we often point out how he could have behaved better. That's why I'm on the tonight

Ds is younger but knows it's wrong - just struggles to contain himself especially when tired. We give him time outs, but he's learned that just by saying sorry he would be forgiven and allowed out again, yet do it again. So we've now begun confiscating toys but explaining we love him, thank you for saying sorry, but hitting is wrong and that is why he can't have his scooter, but if he's good he can play with his scooter again tomorrow. We try to mix the positive reinforcement with the negative and frame things more positively. So rather than "you're not having your scooter today because you hit someone" it's "hitting is wrong, it hurts. You can have your scooter tomorrow if you don't hit anyone".

All of mine have had phases of hitting / kicking. The best solution has been a zero tolerance approach (once they're about 2 or 3). Any violence means time out immediately, even if they say sorry, apologies come after the time out. After time out I remind them that if they hit/ kick again they will go straight to time out. It will take a little while and all care givers have to sign up to the plan and go through with it every time. Praising them for good playing is just as important, setting up situations when it is easy to share - e.g. when she can see there are 3 or 4 biscuits asking her to 'give dd2 her biscuit' then praising her for good sharing. Rewarding such good behaviour maybe with stickers and a bribe prize after x number of nice acts, then keep going until she earns it. Have a small treat after 5, 10 times then maybe a bigger treat at 15 times.

Oh she knows its wrong and only does it at home. We have done the sharing thing too, and she is quite good at being generous, just less good at dealing with it when dd2 takes something of hers. She has done well today, with prospect of treat tomorrow, which will be 30mins with DP. On her own.