Shy 12 year old

[fartmeistergeneral]

He's always been shy and I've always accepted it but now he's nearly at high school he seems to be worse than ever and I have to be honest (haven't said this out loud!) - it's really getting to me to the point of being really angry at him inside and wanting to shout - get a grip!!! If an adult speaks to him he immediately looks at me, if I say nothing he'll just say, I don't know, even if it's a basic question and I'll have to say, yes you do and prompt him for an answer. He has a hobby which he's very good at, and has full confidence in himself when it comes to this - it's just speaking to adults in particular he has a real problem with. He has a best friend, and does socialise with others in a group when he's at school.

Apologies for bad spelling or grammar, tricky for me doing this on my phone!!

How much does he speak to adults?

I know a girl who wasn't diagnosed as selective mute until she was 10.

Oh I don't think he's selective mute, he's fine in the house, just with adults!! Not even able to sustain a conversation with his gran and grandad!

Bump

Hi fart. DS1 was very like this. He is just 14 and starting to get a bit better. He speaks to people he knows but is still hopeless in shops where he doesn't look people in the eye.

I purposefully make him go into shops so he has to do it IYKWIM.

DS like this too. Spent ages taking him to library and shops and forcing him to interact with a bit of a joke

He was pegged as shy this year, year 7 but has made good friends

They'll mature fine its just hard at this age

I doubt he's SM either, but FYI "fine in the house but not with adults" is exactly what my friend's DD is like. And she speaks okay to other kids and will manage a few single words to adults, but she does have SM. That's the point of the wording, it's "selective" to context. The thing about SM is you can't pressure them out of it, the anxiety only makes things worse.

Do you know if he's like that when you aren't by his side OP? I had this conversation with someone a few hours' ago, her 20 something DD always looks to her for prompting when they're together in some social situation. She copes fine when her mum isn't there, I guess it's a reflex action to draw support or encouragement from someone she trusts to bail her out.

Around that age my DS decided by himself pretending interest or enthusiasm was phoney and me giving him evils to 'join in' made it worse.

Glad your DS has gained some confidence over time with a favourite hobby, he needs to get more practice when slightly out of his comfort zone. Is he sporty, is he old enough to try a team sport or go to training? I wonder if voluntary work at weekends with different age groups would help? Maybe start going to something with him, RSPCA or a local conservation group, look good on his CV later.

I would say to him, look it doesn't matter if you don't know someone, or if you do know them but have nothing in common with them, just look interested and if they ask, answer, don't mumble or stare into space. That's all they hope for, they don't expect a Mastermind show of knowledge.

Thanks. I know he is still terribly shy when I'm not around because friends/other mums/teachers all say this. I used to really stick up for him when people would tell me how shy he is, but I must admit, I'm finding it really frustrating. One example - we were driving along slowly and he ducked down in his seat, I realised his best friend's mum was walking along the pavement and he was avoiding seeing her. He was in the car!! He couldn't even smile and say hello from a distance. His gran and grandad came to see him doing his hobby, he gave one word answers and barely spoke to them. I was so angry because I could see how upset his gran was. She once told me that no matter how hard she tried, she never bonded with him. :-(. Basically, he gives nothing. He is sporty which is his saving grace because he can join in any playground games with confidence. I just feel I've got to the stage now where I can't make excuses any more and he is appearing downright rude.

He's too old to bribe so it's tough, it made me think, "How will people think I raised him?"

Does DS have a sibling, sometimes I've noticed in families one child is somehow instinctively easy-going, sunny natured, popular, whilst their sibling isn't. They are naturally reserved, cautious, hang back and observe rather than pile in. I don't want to generalise but ime it's usually the older one. I don't know if they pick up on our first-time-parent nerves and adopt a wariness or what.