Daughter really rough - need help/suggestions

[loulourw]

Hi
Im hoping for some help / experience from other mums who have dealt or are dealing with a similar situation with success!
I have an extremely bright, confident, social two and a half year old girl. She stands out a mile for being so advanced in speech and always gets lots of attention from the adults she meets as she easily strikes up conversations with them.
I am a stay at home mum who has always attended regular toddler groups and also meet friends in 1:1 or small group situations with her peers. I'm a primary school teacher and feel I'm very experienced in communicating with young kids as well as behaviour management of small children.
Despite all of this (and I know two year olds will be two year olds!) I have an ongoing problem of hitting and being far too rough. She hits, pushes, pinches her friends and has definite 'victims' which are friends she hits more than others. These seem to be the quieter, less confident children who don't hit back. I've tried so many things. Time out (she doesn't Mind it & sits there quite nicely being ignored), threats and following through with leaving/going home (she loves home & this really doesn't seem to bother her.) we've had chats before playing about how to play nicely, I've focused on feelings of her own and others, I have tried incentives/bribery eg if you play nicely today mummy may get you an ice lolly on the way home. Nothing seems to work and I now find myself avoiding seeing my friends and their little ones as a) she's going to Hurt their children and b) it's too much effort to go and then have to leave because she can't maintain good behaviour.
She is very loving and aware of others. When she gets filled with excitement she can lash out - I've tried redirecting this and saying 'i know your excited but we don't hit (sometimes its me) - you can give me a big hug instead' which she does. These are her more impulsive hits but some are more pre-meditated and thought through. She is proud of hitting and tells her dad when he gets home of all if the people she has hurt. He keeps his response limited and says. 'Daddy doesn't like to hear that. We don't hit'. I'm at my wits end and am beginning to feel quite low about this.
I give her positive comments to show I notice when she is playing nicely but wouldn't know where to start with a sticker chart for not hitting. She will push other kids she hasn't met before of their scooters etc.

Today at a singing group she was running around excitedly not really aware of others. She accidentally bumped in to a littler boy and then ran up to a lady sitting to hug her (shed never seen her before) but the woman wasnt even looking and my daughter managed to accidentally head but her. I just feel that in certain situations she has low impulse control and I'm beginning to wonder if some of this is a sensory issue. She touches things alot and if she touches a baby's face will touch gently, then again & again & again but
Sometimes getting harder with excitement. When she walks down the street she sometimes holds her arm out to touch the people walking past her. If this is a sensory thing what is it and who don't speak to to find out more?

Any advice - much appreciates x phew!!!

It's tough one. I can see why you are concerned but at the same time, I am not sure if she is developmentally capable of as much as you think she might be.

My first question is, does she ever play alongside other children nicely or join in games? At her age that is something that is still developing and there is a temptation to think that just because she talks well she is more mature than she is but it could just be she hasn't learnt yet how to play with other children and she will grow out of this as she develops.

Similarly with talking to her about feelings and asking her to imagine herself in other children's shoes. That is also something that might not have developed yet.

On the other hand you clearly find her behaviour unusual and some of touching stuff seems that way to me too.

I have a DS who has mild Aspergers. I am not saying your DD has anything like that or that she needs help but I noticed his behaviour was not like other children from about the age of 2.5yrs and he had issues with impulse control too. My first step was to was speak to my HV who was frankly a a bit rubbish and fobbed me off by saying he was an articulate, bright boy and he would catch up in other development areas. However, 9 mths later we had moved and things hadn't got any better so I spoke to our new HV. She went to observe DS at nursery and she also found his behaviour unusual so got the GP to refer him to a paediatrician and the whole diagnostic process went from there.

I think, if I were you, I would speak to your HV first and get her view. She might say wait for a bit because your DD is so young but at least it would be out there and if things don't change she can see this is an on-going problem when you go back in a few months. If she thinks there is a genuine issue now, she can refer you to the GP straight away.

I hope it is something and nothing though and your DD is just going through a 'challenging' period.

Thank you for taking the time here. I really appreciate it. I think you are right in that I probably do expect too much of her when actually she is not at the stage where it will happen. It is a tough one because of course I want to try to help her understand how her actions make others feel but I do know that real empathy wont come until she is probably approaching 4. She is good at turn taking when playing with other children, she happily gives up toys for others and returns them if I ask her to. Like all toddlers she snatches things she wants but sometimes only because she likes to see the reaction of the other kids who usually scream/shout. She plays particularly well with children that are older than her eg 4/5yrs and above and doesn't hit, push these children. It's difficult as although I have my concerns regarding the sensory thing I'm reluctant to push someone to put a label on it so soon. I will speak to our HV at her next appointment but in my experience ours are pretty rubbish and I'm not sure how much they know? Will keep you all posted. Hmmmmm toddlers!!!