Please help - Is this normal in 2 yr old?

[whyno]

I have a gorgeous 2 yr old DS who has always been a delight (and is still very, very sweet 50 per cent of the time) although like all children, he's had his moments! He's started having tantrums over the last six months, varying in intensity. We had a spate of bad ones for a few weeks, then a good few weeks where we could largely avoid them or they weren't too intense. However, for the last week it's been horrendous. Can I expect this to continue or is this a phase?

I'm talking so far today, screaming tantrum at 1am because he wanted to get up and another one at 7am because he wanted a mini milk. He gets so upset and angry that it's awful to see - hitting himself in the face and biting his arm so badly it bruises sometimes. Nothing stops them and sometimes nothing seems to trigger them. There doesn't seem to be much reason to them sometimes but if we can pinpoint a reason it's usually a control issue - he wants us to stand / sit in particular place and he wants to do a particular thing. I am 8 months pregnant and I just can't imagine how it will work having a baby here too. I'm wondering if he's being like this because I suddenly can't pick up very well / at all.

We've just had to cut our holiday short and come home after a couple of days as we were having such a miserable time. He's definitely a bit more manageable at home but we still can't really go out anywhere in public!

I am absolutely desperate. If only I knew if this was normal? What I should be doing - nothing I've read has worked. Can you please tell me what I might be doing wrong?

Sorry for the long post! Would so appreciate some advice.

Tantrums at this age are VERY normal. Some can be very extreme. It will go in phases.
The pregnancy might be having an impact on his behaviour and I should brace yourself for the new baby definitely having an impact!
How is his speech? Tantrums are often triggered by not being able to communicate.
The control thing is completely normal as well. When you are 2 your brain simply is not developed enough to understand why everyone doesn't see things the way you do! If he wants a mini milk at 7 in the morning he assumes you do too.
The biting etc. is extreme but is probably an attempt to get you to give in.
How do you deal with him when he kicks off?

sounds like normal toddler behaviour to me. At 2 they go so such a huge change and their little brains are working overdrive and also they get a huge surge of hormones at this age, it's like a teen trapped in a toddler body. He is trying to make sense of the world around him and finding out where boundaries lie. It is really important that you set clear boundaries with your dp and both stick to the same method of reinforcement to help him through this stage. When he does go off into a full tantrum they really do go past the stage of being able to reason or snap out of it so the best thing to do is ride the tantrum. Out him somewhere he is safe and cannot hurt himself and let him ride it out. I was looked after a little one who would throw herself about the floor for 30 minutes before reaching a point where we could approach her again. When he has calmed give him a cuddle and tell him you still love him then carry on with your day. Routines are your friend as that will really help him understand what is expected of him. How is his speech and language? Does he understand well? If not try using photo cards of what you are going to do next to aid with this.

The most overriding thing is to remember to choose way of dealing with it and stick to it it may take anything from weeks to months but he will stop. Hth

Thank you so much for replying. We try to ignore the tantrums as much as possible (or head them off early with distraction if poss) but when he gets really really upset or hurts himself or us, we restrain him and wait till he's ready for a cuddle, which can take a long time. Time out too dangerous re hurting himself.

Is it that bad to use 'bad' bribes and distractions like tv and biscuits?

Wow sounds tough but I think these kind tantrums are fairly normal at this age. I am sure it's not just the lack of you picking him up but also he will know things are changing.
I am afraid I don't have any advice about stopping the tantrums starting because these are being fuelled a strong desire to control his environment and the people in it. A firm routine could reduce his need to control things.
I think it is very important to stick to your guns and never give in so he learns he cannot manipulate you through his bad behaviour. So no mini milks for breakfast. I would stay calm while he is tantruming; offering nice alternatives such as "if you calm down we can get the play dough out". You need to divert him from what he is focusing on, distract. I would also sit him down if he was self harming and hold his hands telling him that I needed to keep him safe and that I would let go when he was calm. As soon as he was calm I would praise his calming down and then just quickly move on to something interesting. I would remove him from shops and playgroups if he kicked off telling him very calmly why you were doing it.
All easier said than done when you are pregnant but the calm consistency is important.
Hope this phase passes soon.

Re your question about 'bad' bribes/distractions, I would say TV is a great one, but maybe not the biscuit.

By distracting him, I think you are teaching him ways of controlling his emotions - when he feels emotional and out of control and want to scream at the world as an adult, do you want him to reach for food? I would rather my DC take their adult selves off to watch TV/sit quietly.

There is a great book called 'What every parent should know', which explains the brain chemistry behind tantrums and gives some tips on how to help your toddler cope with them. It would be worth a read if you have time?

I agree. You must be as consistent as possible. If you have said no then don't go back on that whatever he does.
Bribery is ok I think but try and link it with the positive behaviours. And I agree that maybe food isn't the best one.

Kids love stickers!
If you think food works best for him keep it small. One chocolate button, that sort of thing.
He will learn in the end that this behaviour doesn't get him what he wants and he will stop. But you must stick to your guns.
It will improve as his communication improves.
I'm also a big believer in firm routines and keeping things the same as much as possible no matter where you are.