Does my son lie to me?

[farahusman]

He is 7 now going on to 8. In the last year or so my son comes home from school and says that his friend told him that i am ugly, i have always asked him if he thinks that, he always say "no mum your not ugly". Recently he has gone out to play with other kids around where we live and has come back saying that some kid told him i am fat and ugly!!! I ask who has said that and he always says i dont know who it was. This is a sensitive issue for me as i am struggling with a eating disorder and body image, i have had this for over 20 years. I am wondering if my son is trying to hurt me trying to tell me in a third person, or is he bullied and kids saying that for real, it happens quite often now. He will be snuggling up to me and we have talk time and always says it like he is very upset with it . What can this be and how do i try to understand this?? He is a very loving child most of the time.

I wouldn't think he was making this up. It sounds like he's being bullied to me.

I think you need to speak to his teacher to ascertain what's going on at school...he's only little still and shouldn't be putting up with this. They need to stop it.

I don't know if he is lying or not. But your DS is definitely picking up on your body issues. Are you being treated?

I'm inclined to think he's telling you because he wants to know you are beautiful.

I couldn't say either way. When he says this how do you respond? How do you view yourself? Could you say to him, on the other hand I'm a great cook, tell funny jokes and am a wonderful mother for eg? Give him and in turn his friends something to think about other than appearance.

I also think that, bizarre though it might sound, he might think he's trying to compliment you. My mum is average sized but my sis is very skinny. A few times her eldest dd has randomly told my mum 'I don't think you're fat' when, tbh, no one would think that of dm. Obviously it makes my mum a bit sad as it makes her thing my niece has heard people call her fat and that niece is trying to reassure her. But my mum really isn't fat - just not as skinny as my sister. It just made me think that perhaps your ds is (clumsily) trying to let you know he thinks you're beautiful.

Do you talk about being fat and ugly in front of him? If so, then he may be making it up but I doubt it is meant or to hurt you, probably he is just confused by emotions he doesn't understand and the impact that words can have. It is possible that his friend said it but is it the sort of things boys really talk about? Unless you are especially overweight then I would think it unlikely. Don't take it to heart anyway, I know it is hard not to but kids are really just parroting these kind of phrases, they don't mean anything by them.

Ok, going to sound harsh, but going off a child that was in school with one mine; is it possible he's realised there are issues with you? Could he be embarrassed? Is it his way of telling you that?

Hi and thankyou for your kind post. I dont intend to discuss my health problems with him, i have always tried to not show it, but it these kind of problems are hard to hide. About 2 years ago i was in hospital being treated for eating disorder for 10 months and was seperated from him, i had told him that i was really poorly. My weight is not over 50kg.

I have spoken to his school 3 different times are told them of my concerns but they say that they watch out at break times and he seems fine. I guess as astute 7 year old, noting my anxiety around meal times shows especially from my stress he has picked up a problem. He has also said that he doesnt want me to die and he gets very upset about it. The one thing i diddnt want was for my mental health to impact him, and it does look that way i am also bi polar, being treated

I'd guess that what he is saying is fabricated but I would not dwell on it or worry about it unduly. It is probably him looking to get a reaction or expressing some confusion about your food issues. I would just say, 'no she's not, mummy is lovely' and leave it at that. Then maybe in a different situation you, or someone else can talk or read about healthy eating, beauty is inside etc. Don't let it hurt your either. Kids say lots and lots of things, this is just one of them, don't worry about it, just try and keep up the good work with your disorder and keeping it from him.

What Vijac says. It must be very difficult for you when you are not well, but he is a little boy and any anxiety or stress he will be feeling will come out in clumsy ways.

Children who feel anxious that their parents can't cope will often push them very hard; by doing so they are asking for reassurance that the parent can cope. That is what he needs from you and hard as it is, that is what you need to give him.

Which basically means showing him that it's ok, that he can't hurt or upset you, that you are able to cope. Something basic like "well, that was a silly thing to say" and a big smile and hug to reassure them.

Hi, so sorry to hear about your MH problems, you sound like you are trying so hard to hold everything together for your son - for you.

I would advise you contact a charity either that supports parents with issues like yours or perhaps Young Minds and ask them how best to explain to your son in a way he can understand. I totally get why ou want to hide the issues from him but I wonder if he might feel safer with a bit more sensitive information?