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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Why do I bother?

11 replies

Earlybird · 03/06/2006 21:10

For the past few months, DD (5.5) has been saying that she wants to be "in charge" instead of always being told what to do. I feel I give her lots of chances to have input/make choices, but that's beside the point.

So, we've been talking about a whole day where she would be "in charge"....and that day was today. I went along with everything she wanted - getting up at 6.30, having what she wanted for all three meals, spending all day at a soft play centre with the friend of her choice, etc. I really didn't hold back, and went along with everything she wanted without hesitation from sitting at the top of the bus to going down slides for literally hours, playing ball games - basically everything.

I thought it was a really lovely day that was completely dicated by her, and geared to her wishes, whims and impulses. Tucking her into bed tonight, I said "so, was it fun to be in charge today?" I was expecting a big "yes, it was so lovely mummy", but instead she said "no, not really. I wish we had done x, y and z instead", and then proceeded to complain in great detail about almost everything. I calmly refuted each thing as she said it, but then started to get mad. Finally, I said, "you know, I'm sorry you think it wasn't a good day, but we did everything you asked to do, and quite honestly I think you should give me a big thank you". Answer: "I'll only thank you for the part of the day I liked mummy". Argh! At that point, I kissed her on the head, said goodnight, and left the room.

I'm not feeling very charitable toward her at the moment....would you say anything about it in the morning, and if so, what?

OP posts:

threebob · 03/06/2006 21:12

She's just peed off that she doesn't like her own choices any more than yours!

juuule · 03/06/2006 21:14

Think I might have said, "Well as you've had such a horrible day maybe I should always be the one to make the choices":) and add, "but I had a lovely day and I think you made some good choices even if you didn't like them".

charliecat · 03/06/2006 21:15

Well at least next time she want to be in charge you can refer her back to the day she chose and still didnt like it!!!!!!!!!!!
Tommorow, lay in bed, read the paper, put a dvd on, refuse to cook and chill:)

apronstrings · 03/06/2006 21:16

you have my sympathy...this type of thing has led me to tears - basically feeling that it doesn'tmatterhow hard i try nothing is ever enough. No words of wisdom I"m afraid- but you are not alone.

Incidently I think I would tell her you were a bit sad she ended the day saying that after all the effort - but I wouldn't labour it too much

DumbledoresGirl · 03/06/2006 21:17

I have to say that I would have been madder than hell if one of my children had responded like that! So well done for being so restrained.

I wouldn't say anything about it tomorrow, but if ever my child demanded a day of being in charge again, I would remind them of how little they enjoyed the first attempt!

Chandra · 03/06/2006 21:27

I have to agree that sometimes, no matter what you do, they won't be happy so, as Homer Simpson said, "you tried hard and failed, next time don't even try!" Just a joke .

I think it has been a good learning exercise for both of you, and the bonus is you have had a chance to experience a day from a children perspective, not many people take that oportunity so well done for that.

I think she has had a "glimpse" about the fact that even when she is in charge things are not perfect (so hopefully she won't blame it on you so easily)

Now, as for tomorrow, and as somebody has suggested, make it your day, sleep late, take a bath, take full control over the TV remote, and cook a nicely spicy curry for dinner, do what you wish. Maybe she will understand that after all, you change so many thing for her benefit instead of just doing whatever you would like to do. :)

wanderingstar · 03/06/2006 23:15

Errr, she's 5.5. I wouldn't expect a child of that age to have the maturity to be so secure and wise in her "how to fill the time" choices over such a long period of time coupled with the dual hindsight of actually having wholly enjoyed herself and secondly of not annoying you by telling you so !
The fact she thinks it's your fault surely indicates she feels, at bottom, that you were actually in charge anyway !

If you're still irked tomorrow, I'd have a little chat along those lines !

edam · 03/06/2006 23:23

what wonderingstar said.

SecurMummy · 03/06/2006 23:32

I have to say that I think her response actually shows maturity?

The fact that she went through the whole day and was ablle at the end of it to disect what happened,w hat she liked and didn't like and come up with a list of potential solutions is IMO very impressive.

Also - why were you expecting her to be grateful? She made the day, she made the choices and made it a good or not good day, from her perspective why should she be grateful to you?

Of course we all know that you allowed her to do it, but she doesn't IYSWIM.

TBH I would be very proud of my honest inteligent little girl and give her a big hug in the morning.

Original poster

Earlybird · 04/06/2006 14:33

Some interesting perspectives here that will give me alot to ponder.

I do think we were both overtired when I spoke to dd last night. I had the expectation (dreaded word!) that I would be rewarded with sticky childhood euphoric over-the-top gratitude, and a general idea that I would feel hugely satisfied/appreciated for my efforts....so was greatly disappointed when she was quite negative about the day.

Maybe a lesson for both of us in there somewhere....btw, she's not mentioned yesterday at all - negatively or positively. All she's asked is if we can "hang out at home today".

OP posts:

EmmyLou · 04/06/2006 15:07

I don't think children of that age really do want to be in charge. They might want to play at it or make the odd suggestion that you go along with but deep down they need the reassurance that you, as an adult, are in charge. I think I would have been smiling to myself a little at her reaction - she has learned that being boss is not all plain sailing and yes, you do make wrong decisions and wish you'd done something else instead. Life is often enriched by compromise and the unexpected - as partents we know this all to well!

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