Counselling 5yo DD/ family counselling

[iloveweetos]

Been thinking of this for a while but just not wanted to admit it. Maybe because it's kind of my fault to begin with?

Quick background. I split with DD's father when she was 6 weeks and was a single mother. I found it hard being on my own and DD had a few health problems. She cried alot due to these which was hard. I did alot of controlled crying due to worrying about her becoming too clingy etc.

5 years on and many hospital stays later, health problems are all well and physically she's doing great.

But I feel like she's cold an detached. She doesn't react to being told off, does what she wants and just doesn't talk to me or my DP. She talked alot to him more so then me and they were close. She used to confide in him rather than me. And it's always niggled at me but in my mind I thought atleast she's talking to him about things. But since going to school, she's been misbehaving more and doesn't talk to us at all.

She doesn't give me a kiss bye, hello, goodnight or anytime unless prompted. No cuddles etc unless I do which she loves.

I'm just worried about how this is going to be as she gets older. I'm scared mentally scarred her and need to help her. Where do we go from here? Is counselling the way to go or am I being too dramatic?

I know there's alot worse going on but I want my child to feel loved and love? I tell her I love her everyday but it feels like she just shrugs it off?

Maybe talk to your GP about the emotional aspect. Keep up with telling her you love her/ cuddles and so on as it can only help. I'm sorry I don't have any advice other than that.

With the behaviour worsening after starting school, my 5yo has turned into a teenager since starting school and really pushes the boundaries sometimes. It seems the same is happening with my DS too, friends have the same problem. To an extent they are copying from classmates and unfortunately it's not like when they are younger and it's possible to avoid children who behave in ways you'd rather yours didn't copy.

I've found reinforcing boundaries is the only way to try and curb the bad behaviour.

Is she ok at school OP? Are they happy with her? for you.x

First of all, you sound like a lovely mother! I personally think counselling sounds like a really good idea a) if there are issues around secure attachment it might help, and b) because you seem to 'read' and interpret her and her behaviour through feeling guilty about your past relationship with her, which is not necessarily constructive. Maybe you could also read up a bit on attachment theory, if you find that helpful? But do focus on the recent research that has looked at how attachment patterns are not fixed but can and do change.

Thanks for the replies

Will read up on attachment theory. Feel like I need to understand this before seeing a counsellor but will go to see a gp this week. Maybe without DD to find out more information.

School have said shes fine. Just doesn't listen sometimes and does what she wants. But they get alot of children like this I suppose? She's learning well, just distracted and not as independent as other children.

It's just tough to know what to do. Cos I know something's not right. Just don't know what to do.

Thank you for this. Am currently reading it. Fingers crossed x

Great.

It is hard for us to know whether your dd is unusually detached or whether you have unrealistic expectations on how close the mother-daughter relationship should be or how she should react to your affection/discipline. (not caring/pretending not to care when she is told off can be normal 5yo defiance- or something more worrying)

You'd need somebody closer at hand who can actually observe her.

But spending time with her can never be wrong.

I did uncontrolled ignoring (controlled crying) with all my three and they are very affectionate, sweet children. Unless you completely ignored them for a very very time, I really wouldn't worry.
It's possible your dd is getting used to your dp as a father figure, maybe she's just being a bit stubborn
Often it's worth just pulling back and enjoying each other for who you are, mention if she'd like to something special on Thursday - swimming maybe (ask her what she'd like to do), say if she's well behaved you can go. She may just be going through the end of term exhaustion most children go through.

yeah i sometimes do think that i have unrealistic views on how we should be, but then at the same time, i think it goes beyond that. have asked my mum about it and she always says that we weren't like that at 5 but there were children at school who were and seem fine as grown adults?
I havent been to the gp yet but will depending on the next few weeks.
we do spend time together (girl time) which she loves, like yesterday we were playing shops.
im trying a new technique lol she gets a counter in a cup, for any good behaviour really, being kind, helpful, getting ready quickly etc
so will see how that goes.
hard to know what is right to do? :(

Just found out from DP that DD's dad told her 'Stepdad is pretend and you don't have to listen to him', and she asked me this morning if she has to listen to him. Poor girl is so confused because he does this on a regular basis. Deffo not helping the situation.