DD obsessed with hitting etc and is doing it at nursery ! Help please !

[KenDoddsDadsDog]

We went through a stage with DD 3.5 at nursery a month or two ago , where she was scratched quite badly in the face and throttled by two separate children. Since that point she has become quite intent about discussing scratching, biting and hitting. When she's annoyed or tired at home she lashes out.
In the past two or three weeks she has been told off at nursery for randomly biting a child , knocking down toys and today hitting others. When I picked her up she then started to tell me about spitting too. I was
We do sit her down and explain to her that it's wrong and why. Has anyone got any advice please ?

Bump for morning crowd

I think at 3.5 she is old enough to understand consequences for bad behaviour. Have you tried the naughty step or similar?

My guess is that she's been on the receiving end of some unpleasant behaviour and she's discovered that it's better to be the aggressor.

To be honest I don't think this is a problem you can deal with. The nursery staff need to change the culture amongst the children in her group and to do that they need to be down on the floor, involved in the play, looking out for triggers and modelling appropriate behaviour.

You can back up the messages she is given by the staff but, when it comes down to it, they are the ones who are with her when it happens, should know the full story and are in a position to deal with it.

Without knowing why she is doing it you can't do much from a distance.

When she lashes out at home say "Hands down", put her down and remove your attention from her, turning back to her when she has stopped and is trying to express herself more appropriately.

You could also offer her something like a pillow or soft toy that it is OK to hit when she's cross.

Thanks very much both. I can really only manage the 'at home' - I like the hands down and pillow. Hadn't thought of that. She has time out on a beanbag , same as naughty step really.
We have spoken to nursery twice - they did change an area of the room round where children were constantly squabbling. It seems to be worse when they are out in the garden.

What are the staff doing while this squabbling is going on? They really should be engaging the children in constructive play so that they don't have this much opportunity to squabble.

Maybe you should drop in unexpectedly early a few times and see whether the staff are doing this. If they are standing around with cups of coffee, chatting and only intervening to manage crises perhaps you should consider looking at some other settings.

Good point - the nursery has just been awarded an outstanding Ofsted and up to now DD has been very happy there. But DH has concerns about the structure at the moment. Not so much the 'formal' learning as DD is coming on a lot. It's more the free play - there seems to be far more it recently. I will try and do that and see what is happening.
I understand that children experiment and push boundaries but the chat is incessant. She hasn't mentioned it at all this weekend or lashed out. Will see what happens tomorrow.
Thank you !

Play is good.

Child led play is great.

What is really important is that there is lots of play which is led by the children but supported by participating adults.

It sometimes isn't easy for people to understand that they need to participate in the play, asking questions, role modelling, suggesting extensions and additional resources, etc. Child led play is often misinterpreted as adult free play. Maybe that's what is happening in your DD's nursery.

Ofsted Outstanding means that they are good at the paperwork side and put on a good show on the day. It is only a small indicator of the quality of their everyday practice.

That really helps me to put things into perspective and will have a good think about things.
We haven't ever looked at anywhere else for Early Years but I think it's time to get a back up plan.
Goldmandra

I agree with Goldmandra. This would be raising a redflag about the nursery for me. I'm glad others have picked up on it because I didn't want to be accused of being hysterical. But I really do think that the adult carers at the nursery are not doing their job somehow.

I suspect she's "obsessed" with those things because it might be somehow getting her attention from the nursery staff that isn't otherwise being given. That is, they're giving 'negative' attention and not giving the positive attention (of the sort that Goldmandra describes - participating in the play).

This week so far there have been no issues. She hasn't done anything and nobody has hit her either. The nursery early years teacher did a learning session on it on Monday morning with the children.
It mainly seems to happen when they are all outside - I think what Goldmandra describes is happening there the most.
We are looking at a couple of places in case we decide on a move. Thanks all.

I'd also take it as a sign that something is not right at nursery. 3 year olds can't communicate such things in words but if they act weird they want to tell you something is wrong and they are unhappy. That's why I absolutely don't think naughty step is the way forward - surely she knows this is wrong but somehow she has frustration/aggression built up inside and does not know how to deal with it.

My almost 3yo daughter is usually lovely but when she is overtired she starts hitting other children, at cafes, at the library, on the playground. It's her way of saying "i'm miserable, take me out of here". She cannot say "I am tired, I want to go home", she just behaves in a way that makes me remove her from the situation.