Where to start? Not even sure I'm in the right place. When my DS was a baby I was diagnosed with PND as a result of my constant worrying that something just wasn't quit right with my baby. Couldn't put my finger on it but spent hours internet trolling for answers when I didn't know the question. But nobody could "see" what I saw. Then one night at 14mths my baby woke struggling to breathe and foaming at the mouth. We only live 2 miles from our hospital but it was the longest journey of our lives. Numerous investigations; blood tests, lumbar punctures, MRI scans and our beautiful baby was diagnosed with epilepsy. It got worse and we spent our summer 60miles away in an intensive care unit of a specialist childrens hospital. When he came round he was like a newborn unable to sit and we were hit with the news that this could be his life. He made steady recovery and was even seizure free for 6mths but recently has been having major seizures that always result in being ventilated on life support. He is 25mths and still not walking as the seizures always knock his physical development off. Its heart breaking to see him struggle but his determination is amazing. I am now expecting our 2nd child but have struggled with looking forward to the new arrival as I am terrified that the same could happen. My husband is brilliant but nit much of a talker and can't understand that I'm grieving for the childhood my little boy isn't having and if I'm honest grieving for the normal baby I was expected. The guilt of which is crushing and all consuming. I can't bear to be round "normal" children and feel I just want to protect him from the world. I can't take all the appts either; paeds, neurologists, physio, SALT. Its just never ending and we have no life outside of this bubble. Don't even know why I came on here, seems easy to hide I guess. Sorry.