How to teach a child to stand up to bullying

[bunny2]

Ds, nearly 4, is not an aggressive or boisterous child and he gets set upon by other children sometimes. For a while, a boy at one of his playgroups has been hitting him (this child hits alot of children) and ds just doesnt want to go to this group any more. When we arrived this morning he was kicking and screaming and begging not to go in because of this other child. Later on we went to a soft play area and 3 boys who were actually a bit younger than ds, jumped on him, one was hitting him, one pulling his hair and one pinching him. The terrified look on ds' face was heartbreaking. I flew across the room and put an end to it immediately (much to the other mothers' annoyance).

My biggest concern is that ds might be bullied, he is quiet and sensitive, very intelligent and prefers books and painting to charging around. Will this make him a target for bullies and if so how do I help him to deal with it? Dh wants us to encourage ds to hit back if someone hits him but I have always told him hitting is wrong. There again, why shouldnt he hit if someone hits him first?

Any ideas?

I feel for your ds bunny2. Mine is the same age, but have only experienced this once. My ds was getting repeatedly hit in the back by another boy at a soft play area about 6 months ago and I didn't register till I saw the terrified look on my son's face and I like you, flew over there and told the boy off and so did his mum. And I think that occassinally if ds is alone and we go anywhere similar, he is aprehensive of other children, but at the same time he is very confident but is wary of new situations. Bullying is one of my fears too, I am afraid that I have told ds that if he is hit, to hit back. And I know that will annoy many mothers here, but that is what I have been taught and it worked for me and dh. He gets into scrapes at nursey and he may say that a boy hit him and I'll say did you hit him back, and sometimes he has and other times he says "I just walked away because he is silly" and both ways are fine to me. I probably haven't been much help but have you spoken to the carers about this boy and expressed your son's fear of this child. Just because this particular child hits other children doesn't mean he should get away with it. Hopefully this will not make him a target for bullies, you never know until it is happening to your child. Has he got a friend at playgroup that is attending the same school as him in September? If he has invite them round to your house regular, so that when he goes to school he has got a real close friend and that may give him confidence. Sorry not much help, but I thought I would reply seeing as nobody else has

It does worry me to tell him to hit back. My DS has just started school and there is ZERO tolerance on hitting, even if you were hit first both of the children involved get a 'card', then their names are read out in assembly and they have to miss break. It seems harsh and unfair to expect your DS to have to face up to this kind of thing if it isn't their fault. I also am not keen on teaching a child to respond to aggression with aggression, I personally don't think it helps.

You sound like a lovely and caring Mum, who communicates well with your child. I would personally encourage him to say in a VERY loud voice 'hitting isn't nice and it hurts' and go and tell the appropriate adult, and to reinforce the fact that if people are mean to him then he should tell someone so appropriate action can be taken.

HTH

It's a very hard situation to be in. I think I would take the same approach as Wegiesmum. I think telling him to hit back is not the solution at all and might even make life more difficult for him and cause more bullying. I think the best thing you can do if your child is bullied is focus on developing their self-esteem and confidence. Confident children are less likely to become bullies and to be bullied.

Since I introduced the idea of 'taking turns' my DS, 2.5, has developed a very strong sense of what is 'fair', and that has prompted his anger; if someone 'snatches' something or pushes or hits him, he turns and shouts at them, 'stop it'. (if really upset he will have a go at them too, but I am trying to discourage it). He is smaller than his peers, but not shy or retiring, so don't know if you could use any of this?

You might also teach him verbal methods of shouting 'No! Don't hit me' at bullies . Also to give him confidence that he can push bullies away though not hit. It might help to build his social skills and confidence to have children round to play one on one or in small groups rather than in playgroup settings. I know how you feel though, My ds is small and gentle but luckily is also quite stubborn. But if another child has a go at him I tend to want to beat the little monster with a broom handle, but I don't I do tend to keep a close eye on him in larger groups though and watch out for aggressive children.

It's horrible but I have had experience of this and tried all sorts and as they get older it just gets harder to deal with. I've tried telling ds to shout out clearly it's not nice etc don't hit etc and at school they are encouraged to tell and help each other tell on the one in the wrong but the staff are eventually useless as they tire of it I think. I then resorted to telling ds to give as good as he gets but it's not in him to hurt others. I fear this kind of behaviour will plague him on and off for years to come and as they get older they can't "run and tell" can they! Problem is the teachers/staff should talk to the parents and their children and let them know it's not acceptable but they don't as that's all they can do and can't ban/suspend/whatever and being named and shamed doesn't seem to affect the type of children who hit/hurt others.

The main thing is to ensure that the staff know what is going on at playgroup so that they can deal with the other child and teach them all social behaviour.

Now for the non PC bit.

My DH and I were in disagreement over how DS was to handle bullying at secondary school. Guidance teacher had been alerted to help solve the problem (my way)

DH got sick of it and told DS to stand up for himself and hit them back - which he did.

Result - he now feels more confidenet because he knows we will support him sticking up for himself. We won't tolerate him starting a fight though.

Although this happened at secondary school .I really wish I had encouraged him to do it at an earlier age. It has taken him a long time to become confident (he's now 16).

The only thing about encouraging children not to hit back is the child doing the hitting doesn't have the same idea and sees them as an easy target IMO.

mears

I have a lot of sympathy with that view. That mirrors my own experience at secondary school - having been brought up to "turn the other cheek" I found that hitting back was the one thing that worked for me. Sad but true.

Have you talked to the playgroup staff bunny?

Dd is a bit older (nearly 5) and she too is shy and sensative, like your ds she seemed to be the target for many an over active toddler scuffle (ie she was the one being scuffed on the ground) and I've had to tell her to hit back. Saying "Dont do that" loudly doesn't always make the child stop what they are doing and telling the teacher doesn't work well enough - the children just wait until there aren't many teachers near..... and this is reception class.

The method of hitting back has worked though! So don't knock it till you've been in the situation where your child is the one comming home in tears because * has pulled their hair repeatedly throughout the day and they feel so helpless to defend themself incase they get into trouble. Dd doesn't like telling either (don't know why) so she first tells the offender if they do it again she'll do it back this is said in her loud voice - fair warning and more than I would have given at her age. Then again I was never a target for bullies.

Then if they do it again she does it back, she's so gentle though that I doubt it hurts the other child half as much as they hurt her but it gets the message across. She had her hair pulled every school day for about 3 months until she started to stand up and do it back then on the same day it stopped for good and the girl in question is now a very good friend to dd.

So in short I'm all for do unto others as youd have them do unto you.

Ds and dd's school don't accept hitting of any kind but the bullying then turns to verbal which, IMO can be harder to deal with - my ds has often been ribbed for being fat - he is not fat (piccy on the pheasant thread) - he is a big lad, bigger than his peers, does occasionally get a bit podgy around his belly but a couple of weeks later has grown two inches. He has often been very upset about this and we have sometimes struggled with one child in particular until this child turned up at the rugby club. Ds left it for a few weeks then in one session legally but roughly tackled him several times in the muddiest of areas - face first - followed up with a quick warning of call me fat again and you will get it harder next time - surprisingly enough, he has never been called fat again.
Girls bitching is another matter - yet to get to the bottom of that one!!

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There is a problem with hitting back- especially once a child gets to school age- it can be miscontrued and they can end up getting the blame for something they haven't started. I think this is particularly true of children who don't naturally hit out so have to be really wound up before they do. They are incapable of being sly about it, and so do it in full view of everyone and the perpetrat gets away with it.

My son is very gentle and has been regularly pushed around since he was about 2. Luckily he is quite large for his age so he's not an automatic target. Recently he has hit back a few times and to be honest its a bit of a nightmare and I would rather he didn't. Whe he fist started hitting back I was very worried that he would end up starting hitting as well, and so I came down on him like a ton of bricks. TBH I'd rather he didn't hit other children at all.

Remember little boys get a testosterone surge at about 4/5 (very noticeable in this house) and so become naturally more aggressive. It makes sense to me to encourage gentleness.

BTW I don't think that the fact he prefers books etc will automatically make him a target. My son is very very very odd when compared to his peers and the majority of children are very kind to him. Older children as well- only last week when I was picking him up in school a year 2 boy came up patted him on the shoulder and said "are you OK XXXX" and then asked me where he was going.

IME what can happen more is that children avoid the rough children- and the physical bullies become realtively isoalated- doesn't stop them pushing others around mind, but it does stop them making friends.

if it becomes so bad that your son is scared to go somewhere then I think adult intervention is needed. Talk to the leader and explain why your son is so distressed "he's scared of X as X pushes him around". X may just need an explanation (not saying it will definitely work)- especially if he is rough because he comes form a family of older brothers or something.