Very sensitive/ over empathetic nearly 6 yo Ds

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Does anyone else have a child like this? Wondering how people handle it.

My DS gets really upset about odd things - the other day he was looking at CD covers and saw a charcoal drawing of a sad looking face with some red shading, and suddenly started crying - asked what was wrong he said the picture made him sad, because it was a child (I am not sure the pic was intended to be a child at all, but maybe).

If his little brother asks for "We're going on a bear hunt" as a bedtime story (one of Ds1's favourites) DS1 gets very upset and often cries because he feels so sad about the bear (he is convinced the bear is very lonely and only follows the family because he wants some friends).

He also cries easily about being scared of odd stuff (though at other times he is incredibly brave) and when I won't stay in his room while he falls asleep (difficult as the 2 year old is also hard to settle and will get up and wander and also start crying if I don't sit in his room, but nearly 6 year old has always fallen asleep on his own fine - and still does in fact, but now gets upset that he wants me to stay with him because he "loves me too much")

It is a funny situation as he is very big for his age and can also be quite wild, and a real tough guy - he has loads of friends, is on the football team, Kindergarten sing his praises and say he is mature and helpful, and don't see the over sensitive side - its saved for home and mainly for me. Sometimes he will cry at home over something that happened at Kindergarten, that he has not shown he was upset by while there (sometimes things that have happened to him, sometimes to others, sometimes comments made in passing by a teacher or something mentioned in a story or a book he looked at alone - once it was a book on planes featuring a crashed plane, and though there was only the plane in the picture he cried at home because he had been thinking all day that there might have been people hurt or killed in the crash.

I have read the other thread on here on 5 year olds (the back chat one) and think the strain of being "good" or "together" at school (in our case as we are abroad Kindergarten, which is mornings only and he has been going to since he was 3, but he does now feel he has to behave in a more grown up way there, and also have his public "brave", "cool" "boy face" on for his friends) shows when they can relax at home, and this accounts for the over spill of emotion to some degree - but he does seem to be very affected by things that wouldn't affect most children,

I am not sure how understanding to be - I listen to, express understanding of and reassure him about his concerns, but when I "pander to" them too much it seems to make it worse, so I try to change the subject after a short discussion, and I must admit sometimes lose my cool (yesterday night he wouldn't go to sleep because it was raining, but I have 3 kids, his big sister is at school, and he was keeping everyone up, so after trying to address his concerns by persuading his big sister to let him sleep in her room, and settling him there, only to have him start crying loudly about the rain nagain, I told him to stop being so ridiculous, its only rain... :/ He did then go to sleep.

We have one to one time when we can, but its hard as he is one of 3, all under 8. his siblings did stay with grandparents recently and he and I had a weekend 1:1 (my DH was away too) and that seemed to go great, but then when the others got home he was worse than ever :(

Any similar kids out there? How do you handle it?

Yes my dd is sensitive like this. She's 8. There's a book called 'The Highly Sensitive Child' by Elaine Aron you might find useful. I get frustrated too as it does seem to be odd things that upset children that are sensitive and I do worry dd is different to other children - she hates loud noisy games/parties/music etc and we've been having trouble with her sleep recently. But I also think it's a huge advantage being more sensitive and something to cherish - it makes children good friends - my dd is so diplomatic and loyal because she thinks things out so much. She appreciates natural beauty and loves being in the countryside. She does sometimes cut loose and behave like a 'proper' child running around madly etc but only when she's with familiar people. One of her favourite programmes is Countryfile ffs . It does still bother me that dd is like this sometimes but overall I think it's a good thing.

Could you encourage your ds to talk about his worries a bit more or maybe write them down in a worry book? Don't minimise things he worries about as they might seem silly to adults but obv aren't to him, despite his 'tough boy' exterior at school. I think with sensitive children it's about teaching them how to handle their feelings that's the key thing as they're always going to be like that - it's not something you grow out of but grow up learning how to channel.

Meant to add - your ds has the added dimension of being a boy who is very sensitive - he's perhaps already sussed out the fact that boys are 'expected' to be tougher etc, not cry/show feelings as much! Even more reason to teach him it's completely acceptable to be the way he is IMO. An adult man who is able to recognise and accept his own feelings can only be a good thing ! And he sounds lovely by the way!!

i have one of those too -- also recommend reading the 'highly sensitive child book' - it was like a manual to my ds...

advice please: my best friend has a child exactly the same age as my ds (7) with asperger's syndrome. he is a lovely boy and he and ds have always been good friends but now his 'differences' have started to show themselves i can see ds becoming less patient and almost unkind to him (unfortunately in this respect their brotherly relationship means no boundaries). how do i explain to ds that his friend is a little bit different to him and that he may need to be patient with him from time to time. i don't want him to tactlessly announce publicly that he knows there is something 'wrong' with his friend, just to treat him with a bit more care and respect...anyone else had this to deal with?

Hi Rose, it might be best to start your own thread for advice on this. There is a Special Needs section where parents might be able to give you more relevant advice .

Dd also has the 'worry' book which she has found useful.

Thanks everyone - very nice to know of others like this, and I will order 'The Highly Sensitive Child' on Amazon now!

He can't write yet unfortunately - he won't start school until he is very nearly 7 (we live in Germany) and his interest in learning to read is very limited - he knows most of his phonics (I teach him at home but only when he asks) but is a long way off being able to write his worries down. Perhaps it will help when he can, and I will encourage a "worry book" or diary then, but I am afraid it'll probably be a couple of years til he can write that well - and then he's likely to write in German (he already prefers German, he's not as naturally bilingual as my older one, who seems born to use more than one language and relishes it) which will limit my understanding of what he write s :(

Peggotty he is acutely aware of what is expected of boys, thanks to Kindergarten - he kit his shin hard on a wooden table there when I was dropping him off, and the sound it made alone showed it must have really hurt; for a millisecond his face started to crumple, then he looked around and his expression changed and I could see him doing everything not to cry, and instead he shouted a rude word in German! It came up in a huge bruise by the time he came home - at home he'd have been howling and in my arms for cuddles and kisses better, but he is all too tuned in to what is expected in public of boys! He 'is' actually a very boyish boy by nature in some ways - he adores football and missing training is one of the many things he gets very upset about (also team loyalty plays a part, but he loves the football itself), he has strong opinions on clothing and likes a lot of black, he wants a drum kit and a skate board for his birthday, he could ride a pedal bike without stabilizors before he turned 3 and loves his bike as if it were a cherished pet, and spends hours on it with his friends on theirs too (we live in the countryside in a part of Germany that is a lot like 1950s England :) ).

The sleep is a bit frustrating as he's always been my good sleeper - he still does sleep through to be fair (except when he has bad dreams, which he is prone to, or hears noises outside...) he has just started wanting me there when he falls asleep, which unlike his sister and brother he has never needed or even wanted before...

He was very sensitive to noise and crowds and petrified of anyone he didn't know between about 18 months and 3 (very unlike my other 2, who are both very extrovert) and I worried about autism, but he is much better able to cope now, though he still keeps to himself in new situations and with new people.

We live very rurally in a tiny community so I guess he is in his comfort zone a lot, riding his bike and playing football with his friends, all of whom he has known all his life... Luckily he will go to school with the same peer group til he is nearly 11, though after that secondary school will be a huge shock I imagine! Still that's a long way off...

He is genuinely an outdoor, sporty, wild boys-boy - and an incredibly sensitive little boy too! A mass of contradictions my big little boy I hope that book helps me understand how best to help him handle his feelings!