Siblings-I'm an only child and have no idea!

[TwinkleSparkleBling]

DDs are 2.6 and 18 months. Older DD has started to pinch and pull DD2s face. Really hard, repeatedly.

Up until now there has been the odd push or smack but this is really nasty and I can see it getting worse. I intervene, she stops and then looks at me and does it again. It is worse if DD1 is tired.

DD1 is quite verbal but I'm not sure how much goes in when I explain why she shouldn't do this. She does say afterwards "want to say sorry to DD2".

I've tried calm reasoning/explanation, showing mummy how to be "gentle to DD2", moving her away, shouting , naughty step, taking a toy away. I don't know what to do.

Family tell me it's just siblings. Is it? If so I don't like it much! I want to do something to stop DD1 and prevent DD2 starting this.

I've read siblings without rivalry. It's good but really seems to cover older children.

Any ideas please or is just the way it is?

Interestingly, a study just came out about this very issue, and it turns out that sibling aggression can cause mental health issues. Not sure how to curb it, though. Maybe with zero tolerance of any type of this behaviour?

I have 3 DC close in age. Bickering is normal of course, and it does sometimes get physical, but I would not tolerate an older child repeatedly hurting a smaller child like this. Find one discipline technique and stick to it. You say you have tried several methods without success, but you need to persevere. But also make sure DD1 is getting enough love and attention too. Maybe some special mummy time would help ease her jealousy issues?

Dd1 does get lots of time with me. When dd2 naps we always have some special time. The flash points happen when dd2 wants to join in with something dd1 is doing/has.

The reason I've tried lots of things is because nothing seems to prevent it. Any of the sanctions "work' but don't seem to stop it happening again.

I want to know how to stop the pinching etc rather than what to do afterwards IFSWIM

Xyla just read that report. Really interesting and backs up what I'm worried about!

Reading that I'm wondering if the opposite approach to what I'm doing would work-rewarding kind behaviour instead of waiting to punish the bad. Has to be worth a try!

I'd definitely try it because most of this sort of behaviour in littlies is about attention or frustration, so action that makes the older child feel good about themselves and better about having a sibling around is always good. My two are also close in age (16mths) and the times when ds lashed out at dd tended to be when he felt she was messing up his stuff (pulling apart his brio was as I recall the biggest flash point for a while). I think before she was really active he mostly didn't really register that she was around so much.

Mostly with our two it was dd going for ds (although she used to cry afterwards so if we'd not been looking we would have thought he was the aggressor) she was a chunky little thing and he's always been very slight so they were always well matched! Which helped to be honest as we felt OK about mostly leaving them to sort out their differences between them as when it got physical they would both be as likely to get hurt. At 14 and 12 they still bicker and sometimes even fight but they are very close and give each other a lot of support too.

Sorry, I don't have a magic solution to prevent this kind of behaviour, by saying 'I would not tolerate this' I just meant I wouldn't brush it off as 'oh, that's just siblings' as some of your family are suggesting. It's really hard - DS2 went through a hitting / hair pulling phase and at one point I couldn't leave him alone in a room with the others without someone getting hurt - nightmare! But if you persevere with a consistent discipline technique whenever it happens you should eventually see results. Good luck!

I found success with time-outs for that kind of behaviour.
It's harder when it's the younger sibling initiating the violence, though.

I'd start off by saying some sibling "disagreement" is normal. Almost the only families I have known that say they have no quarrelling at all, it's usually because one of the siblings dominates in not a good way, either by strength of character or because the others give way all the time.

Having said that, don't brush it off as just siblings. I would make a fuss of the hurt one. Look for things they can do together (sandpit? planting seeds) and, as you say, praise kind behaviour.
Make sure if your older is doing something special the younger doesn't mess it up, and make sure the younger doesn't just get dd1's cast offs. and (something I think is important) let them do/have their own things. So don't assume dd1 has a doll like this therefore dd2 must have the same doll to keep from arguments. Or dd1 starts a club/group (when older) so dd2 must do it too.
Because it is nice for dd1 to do/have her own things without feeling that dd2 is pressing on her heels all the time, and nice for dd2 to/have her own things without feeling dd1 has always done/had it before.

Thanks for all of the advice.

We've had a lot of success today with stickers. nooka yes it is when DD1 is doing something and DD2 "messes it up". So today when DD2 trundles over to see what DD1 is up to I tried the "if you can be kind to DD2 and show her what you are doing you will get a sticker". It worked! DD1 even handed over one of the toys so DD2 could be involved.

It's a work in progress but thanks for all of the advice (DeWe some good tips for the future) and not making me think I'm being daft!