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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Toddler pushing/hitting other children

21 replies

Sycamore76 · 19/06/2013 12:45

Hi all,
I have just got back from a play group and had a very bad experience , which has left me very upset.
My 20 month old son has started going through a phase of pushing other children and sometimes pulling hair. He did it to
Another boy today ( despite me trying to keep a close eye on him) he pulled his hair and pushed him for no apparent reason. The mum shouted at my son and then said that that he had attacked every child in there ( he hadn't ) all the other mums went quiet and looked at me. I felt awful and burst into tears and quickly left with my son. I am still upset now. The mum made me feel like I was a really bad mum and I now feel that way.
Has anyone else ever gone through this ? Any help would be appreciated.

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SuperDuperTrooper · 19/06/2013 13:51

I haven't gone through this as my DS is younger but just wanted to lend a sympathetic ear and offer an impartial thought. My reaction to your post was that the other women most probably all looked at you to see your reaction to being attacked by the other lady. That's what I would've done if I was witnessing something like that. I don't think you should come to the conclusion that they all felt you were in the wrong and that's why they all looked at you. I'm not sure of the etiquette behind situations like this but I'm not sure this other mother was setting a very good example to her child by telling off your lo and then having a go at you. She sounds a little hot headed!

Perhaps someone with experience of this will be able to offer some practical advice.

Original poster

Sycamore76 · 19/06/2013 14:15

Thanks for your advice. I apologised straight away to her and told my son is was wrong. It's hard to reason with a 20 month old as he doesn't understand. I always remove him from the situation. He is teething quite badly so I don't know of this has anything to do with this. Thank you so much for your help.

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absentmindeddooooodles · 19/06/2013 14:19

What a horrid woman. Kids do that. Especially at that age. My son is terrible with it. He's such a lovely boy, but I really think it is a phase a lot Go through. I find that just removing him from the situation for a bit is the only way to deal with it. Once he's said sorry he can go back and play again. Going with him to apologise to the child works for me sometimes

Seb101 · 19/06/2013 14:23

The other lady who 'told you off' was out of order IMO. Unless your child was rampaging around hitting everyone( which it doesn't sound like be was!) she had no right to tell anyone off! Occasional hitting and pushing is part and parcel of going to these groups. Most children do it at some point. It was for you to dissapline and deal with, not her. The only occasion I'd tell another child off is if they repeatedly hit and mother was doing nothing! I'd be very cross if this happened to me. If it happened again is calmly say; thank you but I'd appreciate you left disaplining my child to me! Everyone looked at you; prob because there was a little 'scene' I wouldn't presume they were judging you harshly. Many were prob thinking ' god, that could have easily been my child doing the hitting!' Don't let this worry you. All you can do is watch your child and deal with any hitting that occurs. You sound like you have a normal lo to me, and your doing your best. Don't let a hot headed mum make you feel bad. I'd have been terribly embarrassed if this happened to me, so you have my sympathies. Xxx

Original poster

Sycamore76 · 19/06/2013 17:10

Thank you for your replies. I did do some reading and it is quite common with toddlers. That said, it was still very upsetting and I am
Now scared to take him to play groups :-( x

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Original poster

Sycamore76 · 19/06/2013 19:26

Thank you so much for your reply. I
Hope tomorrow is a better day. !

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SuperDuperTrooper · 19/06/2013 20:06

Please don't let this experience stop you from going to play groups. It's at these groups that our lo's learn to share and take turns. I'm sure there will be more uncomfortable moments ahead for us all but, in the long run, I think the benefits outweigh the negatives.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you too!! :)

tumbletumble · 19/06/2013 20:19

Lots of sympathy OP. My DS2 went through a hitting / pushing phase at the same age which I found v stressful. However I do also have some sympathy with the other mum, although she handled it badly it's awful when your child is hurt by another child for no reason, maybe she over reacted in the heat of the moment.

Please keep taking your DS to playgroups. It's a shame if he misses out just because of this one incident. You'll need to stay very close to him (as you have been) so you can swoop in and prevent future incidents if possible. It's not very relaxing but worth it. Also maybe take him home if he seems to be getting tired (my DS2's behaviour was always worse when tired). Keep trying to discipline him (say no firmly, remove him from the toy etc) - he may be too young now but will eventually respond to this. It's also important to demonstrate to other mums that you are taking this seriously. When my DS2 was about 6 months older than yours I found that warning him we would leave if it happened again, and following through if necessary, was effective.

You could also consider different playgroup options. My DS2 tended to hit at toddler group, but I used to take him to a music class which he loved and he never hit anyone there.

Good luck!

CreatureRetorts · 19/06/2013 20:25

God this is the reason I stopped going to playgroup. They are artificial stressful settings where children are thrown together and unfairly expected to negotiate who's turn is it next on a plastic ride on car.

Op, can you do playdates instead? Take him to the park? Either that or you need to be right next to your child at all times to a) get in there before he hits and b) say sorry if he does. He's 20 months and won't get it for a while yet! 3 year olds are the age when they start playing together properly

Original poster

Sycamore76 · 19/06/2013 21:01

Thanks for all the replies, I do appreciate it.
I do understand the child's mum being angry , however. , I really don't understand why she said he hit every child there , which is very untrue. I also don't understand why she would shout at my 20 month old son so aggressively. Anyway , I won't let this stop me taking him to playgroups ( I will just have to shadow him). The park maybe a better option if he is teething/tired.
Toddlerhood is not easy !

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Original poster

Sycamore76 · 19/06/2013 21:11

Music class a good idea !

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ladypop · 20/06/2013 06:33

This ladies child really must be a little angel.... I sincerely hope she is never on the receiving end of this experience or she will know how humiliating it was for you. I am not saying your child should not have been spoken to about his outburst, but he is 20 months old fcs! It happens an I think all children, at some point will behave inappropriatley in a physical way. I have a lovely, sociable but volatile 3.5yr old who can push and bite still (sorry, but 3 is not the age when they all start playing nicely, it really depends on the child). It makes me nervous too as I have to watch him like a hawk, esp as I now have a 2 month old to look after too.
I know this is not a very reassuring reply but I just wanted to say I know how you feel. Weigh up where and when you want to go with your lo and do what is good for both of you - if it stresses you out to be in certain environments with him now or in the future, make it easy on yourself and choose alternatives. I am certainly not saying lock yourself away, but being a mom is hard enough as it is so please don't beat yourself up over this as kids will be kids and there is only so much we can do to 'control' their behaviour.... Sometimes it's a case or riding it out and other moms should recognise this....... Sorry for this rambling post, it is 6.30am and I have been feeding baby so mind a bit fuddled!

369thegoosedrankwine · 20/06/2013 06:55

I haven't posted for ages but had to respond to our post as it struck a chord with me from over 4 years ago when DS1 was 2 and a real pusher, kicker, hitter taker offer etc. I was stressed to bits at toddler groups thinking he was such a naughty child and other people at toddlers thought he was the nightmare boy, and clearly it was all m falt as a mother! Fast forward now and he is 6 and a beautiful lovely sensitive boy who is, so his teacher tells me, one of the most popular boys in the class.

DS2 on the other hand who's 3 doesn't push or hit, sometime takes toys but he is generally not a hitter or a pusher. I don't take this to mean I am doing something better with ds2 just he is a slightl different form of toddler.

My point is this: this is what some toddlers do. It is no reflection on you as a parent, it is just him trying to find his way in the world, and as long as you are guiding him then you are dong a great job in dealing with this.

Other mother was being a completely insensitive bitch who clearly has no idea about toddlers. Honestly, in 5 years you won't believe how much this bothered you, but I totally get how it is stressing you out at the moment.

It is hard but try and remember he is simply acting his age.

Original poster

Sycamore76 · 20/06/2013 07:50

Thank you. Last week he went through a very clingy stage and this week he is very naughty , so things change quickly! We have just moved to a new area so I was hoping to meet friends but that's unlikely if my son carries on with his behaviour, it's making me feel very isolated. People say it gets easier after the first year but I still find it challenging. Anyway, thank you for your replies, I can't tell you how much they have helped. It's good to know that I am not alone.

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lollipoppi · 20/06/2013 09:16

OP you really have my sympathies, DS1 went through a terrible phase of hitting and pushing.
I tried everything in the book to try and stop it which I think confused him more, choose 1 method of response an stick to it, at 20m a simple "no" is good.
I've left many groups/play centres in tears with disapproving looks from other mums and I literally wanted the ground to swallow me up and never go back again.
The other mum was out of order for reacting in the way she did, please don't let it knock your confidence in finding new friends

I agree with the music class or play dates instead x

nellynellytoo · 20/06/2013 10:52

You poor thing! That mother was so rude and unkind and I hope the 'mummy karma' gets her.

I would suggest small toddler groups (maybe look for ones that are not as popular?) and play dates.

Also swimming lessons, music/tumbler tots sessions, rhyme time etc so your son gets to partake in a stimulating session and can also be among other children but doesn't involve too much interaction with others. This will limit his frustrations with sharing, communication and maybe just the overstimulation that comes with being around lots of children.

Original poster

Sycamore76 · 20/06/2013 11:28

Thank you , I will try smaller groups and stimulating classes. We went to a playgroup this morning ( I was brave) and he was fine. I stayed very close to him. Thanks again x

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Lala29 · 20/06/2013 12:39

I am a mother of a 20 month old girl who is often on the receiving end of such behaviour. (Have a tread going at the moment about it). I think this other mm was completely out if order. The only time I might behave like she did would be if your son actually was hitting everyone and you were totally ignoring the situation.

It sounds like you were doing everything right. Toddlers hit and take toys off each other. It's up to us to teach them not to do it and to cope with being on the receiving end of it. If you really were close by and like you say and ran over as soon as you saw the incident, then you should have told the woman to get over it and leave the disciplining of your child to you.

Don't be put off goin to playgroups and just ignore precious mums like her. These things happen to everyone!

Original poster

Sycamore76 · 20/06/2013 14:07

Thanks Lala. I am sorry to hear your little girl is on the receiving end , this must be very hard too. It was good to get your feedback x

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conorsrockers · 20/06/2013 20:06

I used to be really shocked at other people's children doing that and (I will admit now) used to judge their parenting ...... I had two angels that were excellent at socialising and sharing. And then I had DC3
Put me in my place - don't worry, all you can do is make sure you pull him up on it and encourage him to apologise. He WILL grow out of it. Meanwhile, just ignore the judgy Mum's - they'll get their turn

Original poster

Sycamore76 · 20/06/2013 21:08

Thanks , your post made me laugh. It's amazing how some kids do it and some kids don't. He was fine at play group today buy I did have to stalk him !

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