Boys v girls

[Lala29]

My DD is 20 months old and on the whole a pretty confident and happy toddler. She is very well socialised and we tend to do a group or see friends every day. She was with a childminder who we all loved full time up until a couple of months ago when i quit work, but is now home with me apart from 1 day a week when she still goes there.

My problem is that pretty much all my mum friends have boys who are pretty full on and quite aggressive towards her (they are slightly older, but still toddlers). The mums on the whole deal with their aggression (hitting, pushing over, etc) pretty well. However, is it wrong of me to keep putting DD in these situations where I know she will be pushed around or is this one of the things she has to learn? I also don't want to come across as being too precious although everything in me is telling me to just keep hold of my little girl and try to protect her. But then I also want her to start being a bit less sensitive (with some of the boys she now starts crying when they just walk past her!) and so try to brush her off if nothing too serious has happened.

She is good at standing her ground at CM, who has a very busy house. But then most of the kids there are older and love her to bits, so not the same as an unruly toddler I guess.

I am really conflicted in how to handle this situation. Can someone please help?

You can give her assertive words to say to the aggressive ones. e.g. you can coach her to say "no, don't push" or "no, that's mine". And you can teach her how to be kind but assertive at the same time. When you see an incident, get down to the kids' levels and say "pushing is not okay. DD, if [Billy] pushes you, you can say "no, don't push [Billy]".

Assertiveness is a skill that needs to be taught, especially to girls, imo.

To be honest, there are multitudes of little girl toddlers who act JUST the way these boys do. Try to separate the gender issue from the issue of some toddlers who are not perhaps the right playmates for your child.

I have 2 girls and we mixed with a wide variety of other children....some were pushers and shovers some were not...some were girls some were boys.

It's nothing to do with their gender at this age. If these toddlers are not adding to your child's life then don't meet up with the mums with your DD...take her to a playgroup.

Kiwi thanks for the great advice. I am going to try that. Just feel a bit funny telling off someone else's child. Is it ok to do that if I'm closer to the children than their mum?

Neo, sorry, I didn't mean to imply that all boys are aggressive and girls lovely and calm, but out of the ones we know, it tends to be the boys who are far more physical and likely to push and shove than the girls. Or at least when they do it, they are far rougher than the girls. Of course there are also some lovely, gentle boys and thankfully we know some of those too. I am a SAHM and we do groups every day. However, I can't really say (and not sure I want to say) to people who are genuinely friends, that I don't want to see them as their toddler is going through this phase. I think I just need ways if dealing with it.

You don't have to tell the other child off, you can just firmly say "now then, no pushing, thank you Billy". It sets a boundary but it stops short of telling off someone else's child.

This gender thing is really interesting. Unlike Neo, I do actually think there is a difference, though of course there are many specific exceptions. And that is from the mother of a 2.6yo boy! What I have noticed lately is that he often overreacts to provocation. For example, my dniece is almost 4, but will often run to her mum crying, saying that ds has poked her with a stick. When we get to the bottom of it, it transpires that she has usually done something to antagonise, like snatching a toy or something. We generally ask them to say sorry to each other!

Not saying your dd is doing anything wrong op, just agree with you that there are some general gender differences. Little boys need to be taught a little humility and kindness and little girls need to be taught a bit of assertiveness. But it's such a balancing act isn't it?

Matana I think that the expectations of society affect children VERY quickly. Small but constant comments about "being a big boy" and being "A good girl" and similar do have an effect.

If girls are taught that hitting is wrong full stop....and boys are taught that "boys are rougher" then that's why we see girls running to tell tales and boys hitting.

Thanks everyone. Just to say I have been trying the thing of telling DD to say "don't push, Billy" and remarkably it's really working. Obviously she can't say that yet, but she stops crying very quickly and tries to say "no, Billy". Absolutely amazing!