'Lovebombing' DS2(9) - has anybody ever done this? With what results?

[PacificDogwood]

I am going to spend all weekend with DS2 next week - just the 2 of us. He is the 2nd boy of 4 and quite prone to anger and emotional outbursts. He 'hates' DS3 who is 4 years younger than him and there is constant fighting between the two. If it is a phase, it has now lasted 3 years.... .

Anyway, I was thinking that I will use next weekend to lovebomb him: let him chose entirely what we do, when we'll do it, what we eat (bracing myself for McD 3x/day), when we sleep etc. Just don't say 'No' to him for the length of the weekend.

Oliver James is the psychologist who suggests this kind of approach to help deal with unwanted behaviours.

I am just wondering whether any of you have tried this? And what happened??

We've tried this with DD (my 'nightmare' child, she's being assessed for PDA, she's nine and has tantrums and rages like a toddler).

Um. It didn't go so well.

She actually finds it incredibly stressful to have it all her own way and it was a bit counterproductive, she ends up pushing and pushing for an argument and just being foul, worse than usual. We've tried it a few times and it's always ended up with her in meltdown over something completely bizarre.

She is a tricky child though, and it would have a completely different result with DS1 for eg.

It's certainly worth trying though!

Oh dear.

I am a bit worried: like you are describing, DS had a bit of a melt-down when I told him last night (I had to help him get in the shower and put him to bed like a toddler because he was so upset) because he now 'has to wait a whole week'.
He can still have temper tantrums and had one when he realised that our tickets to see Matilda where for the show and not the cinema - he has never been to a proper West End production and had no clue what it would be like, but the 'not cinema' was enough to set him off. He liked it when we looked at some YouTube clips...

Hm, I might have to prepare myself for 48 hours in a hotel room, watching Pineas and Ferb - that would be a very expensive way to watch TV

I get spending a focused weekend with your child but not the giving them total control thing. For me, control is also responsibility and being responsible for things is difficult. I suppose if the weekend goes really well and the child made all the decisions, then they will feel great.

All that quality time together, just the two of you will be fantastic.

Oliver James seems to make a difference between 'quality time' and 'lovebombing' (the phrase makes me cringe btw but seems to be the accepted term) which seems to involve more handing over of the reigns (he does say 'within reason' ).

I am going to look up Webster-Stratton 'Special Time' - that seems to be a similar approach.

I just feel that DS2 by dint of his personality sometimes suffers by being one of 4. He really did not need all these sibs. He's got them, so he and us will have to learn to deal with it.

Can you give him options? Choosing between a small number if things may be less scary than "whatever you want!". Especially if you can end up doing all of them if he can't make up his mind.

Oh yes, I am going to make suggestion - we are off to the Big Smoke, so lots of exciting options which must include the London Eye

Hmm yes I rather like Turniptwirl's suggestion - I was going to say that I'm unsure about 'lovebombing' for a number of reasons, although I have to own up that I haven't read up on the theory of it.

I think the idea of really focussing on a child who has been finding things tough is great, making time to spend together without interruptions - brilliant. However the total control ('within reason') forthe child is tricky and I think both of mine would struggle with that. Plus, what happens if the child wants to do things that simply aren't possible? Certainly my Ds would struggle with coming up with lots of activities without prompting.

Also, what about when it's finished and you return to the family etc - I can imagine some swkwardness there, either jealousy from other siblings or perhaps meltdown from lovebombed child because now they're back to their normal routine, needing to share aparental attention etc?

sorry if that sounds negative, not my intention, I think it's an interesting area and I've been pondering on it for a while.

Sorry for essay!

o

Sorry, took me a while to type my essay!

London - fab options. I guess keep an eye in case he gets tired and bit overwhelmed by it all, or maybe that would just be my Dc.

Giving DD2 control, with in reason, and freedom and responsibility, within reason, worked very well in Y5/Y6.

Letting her choose whats for tea or where we ate, which shopping centre we went to, swimming or cinema. That sort of thing. Also being a girl, pretending not to notice weather inappropriate clothes and school inappropriate hair dos.

Not love bombing in a solid block (I'd never heard of it), but adding choice and control into day to day life.

9-10 particularly is a difficult age, you are out growing toys and beginning to want a bit of freedom and a bit of control over your life. Trouble is you want it a year earlier than parents, school and society* want to give it you and before your really ready.

(*we did cycling proficiency in Y6, schools let Y6 buddy reception, do jobs, walk home, 11y walk to the shop and stay home when mum pops out, a 9y doesn't).

DH suggests letting your DS look at tube maps and attractions' websites and do some research, likewise finding where to have lunch. If your brave ask him when and where he'd cross a busy road.)

Have fun.

Thank you, all .

Yes, he may well get tired/overwhelmed, but we'll just roll with it.

I have for years made a special effort to give him control over choices and to go out of my way to try and find time to have one-on-one time with him because I really find that he finds it the hardest to have to share me (in particular) with 3 other children/DH/my job/necessary chores etc.

He is in many ways his own worst enemy in that he takes offense v easily, find it hard to let things go and then immediately becomes verbally and physically aggressive and upset. It is very hard for him, but also for us. Underneath it all, he is very vulnerable, has low self-esteem ("I am fat, ugly and stupid" - he is none of these) and emotionally very young for his years.

This weekend away is just another thing to try... I've tried lots, believe me.

And yes, I will let him chose where we cross the road .

Within reason

Big wibble with DD2 and roads, DD1 could be trusted not to run into the road at 2.5 and cross them by 7/8.

DD2 just didn't seem to concentrate, mad because DD2 is my outwardly sensible child.

Infact she is the less confident, more liable to panic one, hence needing you to spend time giving her freedom in a controlled way.

My dizzy dyslexic, on another plant DD1 actually has a deep calm self confidence. If you lose her as has happened, she simply gets the supermarket to tannoy or calms DD2 down and comes and finds us.

Startail, I have often said that the most astonishing thing about having been lucky enough to have more than one child is observing how different they all are. Intrinsically differently. And nobody can tell me that these differences are down to parenting/birth order alone (as many people my mum have tried to).

My friend lovebombed her slightly tricky 5 yo and the lovebomb day went well but was followed by 6 weeks of whining, begging and tantrums when he wanted it to continue.

Of course he loved being the one to choose what to do all day. Just gave home a taste of what life would be like if the world revolved round him. Very hard for him to come back to earth afterwards.

She regretted it in the end.

Oh dear. Again.
This is what I feared... .

Maybe we'll just call it a weekend away then?

Or maybe the trick is to make quite clear that this is a special, protected time, seperate from the normal routine?

I think you have more chance of explaining the concept (limited time) to a 9 yo.

For a 5 yo, he just didn't get why his mummy was back to being mean mummy after a dream day.

A play therapist suggested I try something like Webster-Strattton's ?child-led play? when DS was that age, for between 10-20 minutes each day. No judgments (positive or negative) on what DS said or did, no encouragement, and no suggestions from me. A little ?Descriptive Commenting? to help things along, but mainly just letting him be totally in charge of the play and me going along with whatever he wanted (provided it was non-harmful obv - I did have a bit of a chat with the play therapist about not letting DS be really rude or destructive!), and keeping in the background if he didn?t want me to join in. And also being very clear when each session started and when it was over. I think it was a mix of Caroline Webster-Stratton?s ideas and Sue Jenner?s (Parent-Child Game) as that?s what the therapists were into! DS really lapped it up and even a few minutes each day seemed to have a good effect on him the rest of the time.

Laying it all on at once for a whole weekend have been a bit much for us, it worked better for us to scatter them through the week. But it might work for you, can't hurt to try! Or you could mix?n?match ? a love bomb to get things started and then a bit of child-led play every few days to keep the good feeling going?

Different yes that describes my two.

I have a very tricky 8.5 year old DS1 so totally get where you are coming from. I don't have 3 others but just the one other DS who is 2.5. They adore each other but because DS2 is quite hard work I don't get as much time to spend on DS1 as Id like (it doesn't help that DH works away a lot so most of the parenting is done by me!)

DS1 has low self confidence as well and also says he is fat and stupid...he definitely isn't stupid far from it but he is built like a rather solid rugby player bless him whereas all his friends are all very slim so he does look very different to them which affects him a great deal.

I suppose I do a sort of "love bombing" and try to spend an entire saturday with him one weekend a month and he gets to choose exactly what we do/eat/go etc. It has actually worked really well...much better than I thought it would do. Although it does involve hours of planning on his part before hand as he likes to make completely sure of what he wants to do!

We went to London a month or so ago and after we had done what we'd already planned I asked him if there was anything else he really wanted to do. He said yes but that Id never let him...so I said try me! He is a complete train geek bless him so we spent the entire rest of the day riding around on the underground and we got the DLR right up to Stratford. He picked loads of stations he wanted to see and we went and saw them...don't think I will ever forget the huge huge smile on his face when he managed to get the front seat on one of the DLR carriages (they don't have drivers so he could see exactly where it was going!). It was the simplest thing but it really made his day. I think sometimes we are all so caught up in life/housework/jobs/other children etc that we don't always stop to realise that the simplest things can give the most pleasure. Normally I would have said "oh I really don't want to sit on a boring train all afternoon"...especially as we then had a 2 hr train journey back home but for once I just went with it and saw the effect it had on him.

We went on holiday may half term week and gave him a day as well to pick what we did and he chose really well!

Really hope you have a fantastic time together.

Aw, ihearttc, what a lovely post - thanks for that .

I am really looking forward to our trip and am going to just go with the flow. I am NEVER going to call is 'love bombing' in RL though...