8 year old jealous of siblings

[kezzax]

Hi,
I have 3 children a DD 8.5, DS just 3 and a one year old DD- as you can imagine life is a bit hectic sometimes and I am conscious of my 8 year old feeling a bit left out- I see her sometimes not quite an adult and not a baby and she gets bored at home-
she plays out a lot but I sometimes sense she is jealous of the smaller two.
Last night she said it was better when she was on her own and she was funnier then, now the babies make people laugh- I know this is natural reaction but I don't want her left out and I don't want her to grow up resenting the little ones and us.
I try and do things just us but I work and my husband works and she's at school anyway-
I know we should do more things just one and one, its just so hard when I work all day Saturday so there is only Sunday left for all of us

I tell her everyday how much I love her and how special she is but is there anything else I can do?
Has anyone else experienced this?

One thing I would say is be careful when you're picking places to go you don't just pick places that will interest the little ones. Because they're so much younger, it often seems logical to pick somewhere that will keep them entertained and the older one will "be good" even if she's bored. Whereas if the younger ones are bored they're harder to look after.
It also gets harder (and more expensive) once they start growing out of farm parks etc.

Can you find a friends who occasionally (say once a month) take the younger two after school on a Friday and you go out for dinner (doesn't have to be special, can just be McDs) or cinema or something.

Some questions:

How much time do you spend directing/playing with the smaller 2 when your DD1 is there? If she sees you interacting with them and rarely with her you will have an issue.
If you're interacting with DD1 and one of the others wants/demands something (not safety/wellbeing related) do you drop everything? Don't! It's easier said than done, but your 3yo should be able to start learning that mummy is talking and she'll get his toy/read to him/give cuddles in a minute.
How many 'family' activities are geared to the younger 2 as opposed to an 8yo? Lowest common denominator can be a real issue and result in your DD feeling less important.
Can you take a morning or afternoon to spend time with your DD1 (same applies to her father, she needs time with him as well) on a weekend once a month or something? Girly time/hair/nails/coffee/lunch/cinema/whatever your DD is in to.
Can you spend some time reading with her when your youngest are in bed? Could be a way of getting some 1-2-1 on a more regular basis.
How do family and friends interact with her when the lo's are there (is she pushed aside/treated as an afterthought/witness to all the chat and attention being on the lo's)? In the excitement of babies/young children, a child who's significantly older can end up being/feeling left out - especially if they're good at amusing themselves quietly.

Last night she said it was better when she was on her own and she was funnier then,

This is your opening! Talk to her about what she is feeling or even encourage her to write her feelings down if she's not comfortable verbalising them. Reassure her that whatever she is feeling is valid and she won't be in trouble for it (and stick to it, even if she says she hates her siblings and wished they had never been born! She may or may not mean it deep down, but if it's left then it will fester). A key statement in the Andro house is 'Mama and Papa can't help you if they don't know what the problem is'. There is also no sanction for expressing a sentiment (however objectionable) and both dc know it, expressing hatred/resentment/whatever is fine but expressing it badly (swearing/being physically aggressive etc) is not - the behaviour/language would bring a sanction but not the sentiment (if that makes sense).

Your DD needs to feel heard, she needs to feel important and she needs you and your DH to make sure other people are not inadvertently sending the wrong message.

(Sorry for the essay!)

wow you have given me lots to think about-
When my youngest was born I tried so hard to make sure my middle one didn't feel left out (he was only 15 months) that maybe I took my eye off the ball.

When dd1 is here its usually after school so its a busy time with teas and tidying up- we live in a little cul de sac so its safe to play out and there are lots of kids to play with and she really enjoys that- so a lot of this is her just when she is bored in the home.

She has been in trouble and grounded this weekend for sneaking off to the park so she has been feeling sorry for herself-
I am also conscious that we chat about school, about her day and I do tell the little ones (for DD1's benefit) that this is her time and we cuddle and chat a lot

Over recent half term the babies still went to child minders and me and DH took half the week off each where she went swimming and spent time with him and we had a girly day shopping with me and i said all day how nice it was just me and her etc... so we have spent time one on one

As a child she is quite selfish, she doesn't want to share to the point that it stresses her out if one of the younger ones has something of hers- she will hover till they give it back. Maybe she sees us as the same thing

When their grandparents come round she goes louder, shows off and demands their attention so I guess she is trying to make sure they don't forget about her.

Our way of communicating is to write little letters, today I have written her a letter for bedtime telling her how much I love her, how proud I am, how the babies look up to her and that she is older so they demand attention and that's how she was when she was little and that she will always be older than them but I love them all the same etc... Which I know she will like. I will ask her to write down her concerns, that is a fab idea and something we can do.

As for family activities, I never take the babies out to places as they drive me crazy with anxiety- we do go on bike rides but that is a family thing so something she loves.

Writing this has made me feel a bit better. I do know that sometimes she is pushed aside and is something I need to work on. I also know she bears the brunt when the babies are driving me mad and is also something I need to work on.

Thanks very much for your replies, I agree she needs to feel heard and important- my dh says she is fine and can be manipulative with me and knows how to push my buttons, which is true but it is obviously something that she is feeling as she wouldn't be able to articulate it.

As a child she is quite selfish, she doesn't want to share to the point that it stresses her out if one of the younger ones has something of hers- she will hover till they give it back.

That's an interesting description of her behaviour; stress and hovering suggest an anxiety response, not basic 'selfishness'. What's worrying her? Is she concerned that her things will be broken or damaged? Is she worried that one of her sibling might hurt themselves with her things and she could get the blame? Is she trying to take some control via the medium of her belongings?

I think there's something to explore there (I'm also wondering what things an 8yo would have that would be suitable for a 3yo or 1yo to have - other than soft toys).