Help me boost my tots confidence please

[magicstars]

Hi, dd 15 months is so frightened of people, it is starting to worry me. She is mostly fine with me, dh & my dp's but absolutely terrified of anyone else comes near her.
Dp's look after her 3 days while I am @ work. We tried a nanny but dd would be so distraught from the moment she arrived, it quickly became apparent it wasn't going to work & nanny quit after 3 months.
She will scream herself into a frenzy if anyone comes near her @ clings to me tightly. I do my best to comfort & reassure her that she is safe but it doesn't always help.
Dh & I are sociable types but we have almost completely stopped taking her out as we are embarrassed by her reaction to our friends. She won't even let my dsis near her
She was low birth weight & always had had high needs. I had her in a sling for most of the 1st 6months as she cried continually if not being held.
I have always been quick to respond & wouldn't leave her to cry, I don't understand why her self-esteem is so low.
A friend who is a paediatrian told me once she was 'concerned' by dd's fear of ppl but didn't go into any detail
A lady who works @ the children's centre said she thought dd struggled cos she is easily over-stimulated. She is very bright & alert & has always had difficulty sleeping. Could this be connected?
At home She is such a loving & happy girl (most of the time!) I just wish she would show this side to others. I know some ppl must judge our parenting & blame her distrust of ppl on us.... I just don't know what I've done wrong & I'd very much like to help her grow in confidence. Advice much appreciated pls.

I'm afraid I don't have any easy answers but I wanted to let you know my experience with dd2. She was by far the clingiest of my 3 dcs. From about 6 months old she would get very distressed if she was separated from me. There were months and months when I had a child permanently attached to me as she couldn't bear to be put down. I just carried on cuddling her and as I wasn't working she didn't have to be cared for by someone else. This carried on for what seemed like forever, but then suddenly things go better. A lot better. At 3, she is exceptionally confident and out-going and has absolutely no issues at all separating from me. I feel certain that she benefited enormously from just being held and cuddled and kept close. It was frustrating at the time, but it is a stage that kids go through and there are degrees to which kids experience stranger anxiety.

Don't worry about what other people think. Don't panic if she gets distressed. Carry on cuddling. Be calm. Let her know everything's OK. Avoid situations that are too terrifying but I'd carry on going to situations that she finds a little bit scary so she can learn that you are there to help calm her down.

Thanks neo, its reassuring to know we aren't alone & glad that your dd has gained confidence.

Yes, don't worry what other people think, it will get better as she gets older. My dd was similar at that age (we had an awful experience in a shoe shop at 16mo where she screamed the place down hysterically when the assistant tried to measure her feet, then saw fit to tell me that children only reacted like that if they'd been abused - needless to say not been back there since!). She couldn't stand being parted from me at all, and was very distrustful of strangers. She is 2.2 now and very different - still asks for 'mummy duddles' a lot but is much more independent (and she was an angel having shoes fitted the other day!). She is still wary of new people but improving sll the time, and i think a bit of natural caution isn't a bad thing. Hang in there and keep doing what you're doing, it will get better.

DIY awful how quickly ppl jump to conclusions isn't it!! No one has been quite so upfront with us over this. we just get judgey looks & tuts. One friend told me I should shout at her for fussing. Others think I'm mad for not sending her to day nursery. I just think she'd hate it & I don't want to make life scarier for her (& we can't afford it).
I have friends coming today & this is why I've been particularly anxious. I've put them off twice already & they are desperate to c dd... & will prob make a fuss of her & she'll have a melt down!
It us v. Reassuring to hear your experiences. hope your dd's continue to grow in confidence, I will keep up with the 'duddles''

Mine was (well is) like this - she's 18 months now (also lies duddles )

She had quite bad reflux and tongue which gave her wind so I think she was in discomfort a lot as a baby. So generally wanted to be near me or her daddy (or brother).

We've got a nanny for her and DS but she knew our nanny from birth otherwise I think settling in would have taken forever. She has taken ages to warm up to her grandparents.

In the end, we still take her out etc but don't push her to socialise. She's actually fine with small kids. I don't let people take her unless she's ok and if she wants to come back then I will take her back.

But in the last month or so she's a bit better so I see a light at the end. It's a complete contrast to DS - he was a smiley cheery baby but now quite reserved as a toddler.