5yo DS scarily aggressive with 3yo DD - what do I do???

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I'm worried about my DS's capacity for violence towards his little sister.

One example: playing happily together. She says something he doesn't like. He contradicts. They bicker with increasing heat. I move over to them, but by the time I get there it is too late: he is trying to hit her and as I physically remove him to take him to time out, he manages a kick to her head. :(

Time out didn't do much. He genuinely seemed to believe that it was her fault he kicked her, because of what she said.

Another example: she was playing with a stick. He thought it was his stick because he'd played with it the day before and tied a bit of string round it. I didn't realise this. He said to her, "Give that back; it's mine!" I said, "She's playing with it at the moment," and he launched himself at the stick and broke it into three pieces. DD burst into tears and DS said, "There. Now you can't have it." We were out; the only thing I could think to do was put him in the car for 5 minutes (we were within sight of the car during that time), which was totally pathetic as a consequence.

I know I'm coming across as feeble and weak, but I really struggle with thinking on the spot and coming up with an effective consequence. I have done time out fairly consistently since he was small; it's worked well with his "selective deafness" but I can't kid myself any longer that it's working for this.

Often by the time I see the danger coming it's too late. And as soon as he's done what he wants to do, it's over and he often says sorry sweetly, does his 5 minutes in time out, or clears up the mess he's made, with a smug air of having got away with it.

I suppose I have two question: Is this behaviour normal? And does anyone have any advice how I can deal with it effectively?

I don't know if it's normal as my son is much younger. Maybe try explaining why we don't (and do) do certain things. Eg. "We don't hit because it hurts the other person, and it isn't a nice thing to do." "It's good to share and teach your younger sister how to share, she's only little and is still learning". Also, tell or read moral stories -the good, kind mouse who helps his little sister etc. And talk about other people/things around you - "wasn't that a big fall, but look her mummy is very kind and thoughtful and is giving her a big hug". I guess what I'm saying is, spend some time trying to teach him why it's positive to behave well and have a good moral code. Secondly, praise him when he does good things, set him up for them and let him overhear you telling other people what a Kind, good brother he has beem today etc. Thirdly, try to avoid situations that will kick off. Also, don't always take his side, he may judge it to be unfair and she may taunt him sometimes. If he feels that you think he is the naughty one then his behaviour will just get worse. Good luck with him!

At 5 he is old enough to understand that if he does it he will lose something dear to him such as no telly that evening or computer out early bed.

Be consistent. Fighting between siblings is normal but hitting is not acceptable.

Have you given him tactics for dealing with his sister? He sounds like he doesn't know how to deal with the feeling of annoyance and anger so lashes out.

I guess that's true, valium - I've been assuming that any consequence has to be immediate, but he is nearly 6 now. Have told him this morning that he will lose computer time if he hits her.

Tactics for dealing it... not with any great success, no. He would say the feeling is hatred and it certainly seems that strong in those moments! I guess with a stronger consequence in place, he might be more interested in alternative ways of dealing with it!

Vijac, I do try to do those things, although reading through I'm aware that I haven't been spending enough time being fully present with them both. So will try to address that, too.

Food for thought... thank you!

My kids are younger so I don't have experience with a 5 year old. And, I agree with the time out/consequences response. But he probably feels bad about what he's done even if he doesn' show it. I wondered if he might benefit from consequences at the time of the incident being combined with Oliver James' Love Bomb technique. I did it with my daughter and it was lovely for both of us. As she's only 3 we only did a day, but it was great. That and really reinforcing the good behaviour, so saying what a kind/patient/loving brother he is when he's done something you can praise.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bloggers/a1574459-Love-Bombing-the-solution-to-childrens-emotional-and-behavioural-issues

What I mean is you need to tell him what to do instead and reward him for it. That's what we've been doing with our ds when he lashes out at his sister. Now he's much better - he will raise an arm but won't hit her. Takes constant reminding but he's getting there.

Eg say to him if your sister takes a toy, give her something else.
Also let them play together - don't step in every time. Also you need to teach your dd as well. Otherwise it sounds like you're just telling him off and it will breed resentment between them.

My 5Yo DS is like this with his 3yo brother. He is not violent with other children but just sees the red mist with his brother.

We have worked on getting them to "use their words" instead of their fists. So if they both want a toy we get them to agree to hand it over in five minutes or something.

We also emphasise the times they are playing nicely together and praise them for it, which makes them more keen to be nice to each other.

I second working with them on how to sort out problems with their words. You can then remind them of the tactics you practiced when things are looking dicey.

my nearly 6 year old is often like this with my nearly 4 year old. they can play really nicely together and ds1 can be really protective too but sometimes the red mist rises. I've tried withdrawing privileges but he doesn't seem to learn from this. now I trend to send him to his room to calm down then talk to him about how much he upsets Ds2. l also think back tho some of the awful fights me and ,y sister had and hope it's just a phase.