Tantrum screaming - help!

[MeanAndMeaslyMiddleAges]

My ds 14mo is very smiley and friendly and pretty chilled. He's not really a whingy baby but has started his tantrums. Not many and mostly (though not always!) borne of frustration at not being able to do something or communicate. But sometimes just because. When he has a tantrum he just screams - literally the loudest scream he can possibly do, sometimes repeatedly. I've started getti g a lot of comments from family and he's just started nursery and it's been mentioned - nicely, and as a throwaway comment but enough to make me feel bad. Today was the worst - I took him to two coffee shops/ cafes and both times he had a complete meltdown and I don't even know why. Lots of dirty looks and I left in tears the second time. He usually does it at least once in play group too (though thankfully not today).

My dh and I just don't know the best way to discourage this. We're both quite softly spoken and calm, we never argue or fight. We figure there are four options:

1. Tell him off.
2. ignore him
3. do whatever he wants/ cuddle him til he stops if we can (doesn't always work anyway)
4. Distract him.

We're not too keen on 3 & 4 as we don't think that will solve the problem. We worry that 2 will make us look like slack parents and that 1 (which is what we do - firm yet without anger or aggression) just isn't working. We're inclined to stick with 1 but we worry (pfb and all that). Whatever we do, we know we need to be united and consistent.

Is this normal? Will he turn out to be tempestuous? Can we stop it - and how?

Please help!

Normal- ignore and pay attention when he stops- explain, once over,that you can't understand if he screams and yells.
Telling him off is no good in a tantrum- he isn't listening.
Doing whatever he wants is 'no go', he may well want something impossible, it teaches him that he can get what he wants he he screams load enough and he is quite likely to still tantrum anyway. E.g if he has a tantrum because he wanted a blue cup and you gave him red then giving him red is too late!
Distraction can work- worth trying, but not once he has started- be isn't listening or looking.
It is a phase.

oh it's normal! plenty of babies do the whole screaming thing, honestly honest!
there's no need to tell him off, he's only just over a year old, he's communicating in the only way he knows!

I would just ignore it

Thank you both for your replies, they're really reassuring! We have tried ignoring but it doesn't really work, I guess because he gets upset then that we're ignoring him! Last week he had a tantrum because he'd put the plastic key in his toy car the wrong way and it didn't fit - oh my god, the world had ended! We ended up putting him in his playpen and letting him cry it out - 15 minutes that ended up with him standing up against the sides and full on sobbing. He did sleep well that night though! We're not afraid of the parts of parenting that are hard, but just want to know we're tackling it in the right way (if there's such a thing) - so perhaps best as viewing it as a long term strategy. Perhaps good on focussing on distracting him once the first break in the storm appears, ie when the initial meltdown is blowing over and he's starting to lose conviction in it himself, but not while the meltdown is in full swing - don't want to try and distract him out of it too early in case he learns that a tantrum means mummy will suddenly provide new entertainment. I like the idea of reiterating that we can't understand him when he's screaming - I do sense a lot of it is abject frustration at being unable to communicate - he really does want to speak.

Didn't make it clear that what I meant is it sounds like we should stick with ignoring it with the view that in time he'll figure out that screaming isn't working.

He is very little, he has to learn to deal with his emotions- you can't do it for him.

Hmm. Tough one. Try not to worry about what people think e.g. slack. People who have children will most likely be empathising. Am sure it will pass as he learns to talk. I probably wouldn't go for a one size fits all approach but just depend on the circumstance so if you don't know what the problem is then try to calm ds down ask what's wrong or distract. Then if you do know what is causing the frustration could you verbalise it for him and help/if that doesn't work then divert? I say to my son (now 2) when he has calmed down that his shouting was loud or stopped me from hearing. I think it can help... Don't give yourself a hard time if he does scream. Sound like a really thoughtful mum. All the best.

DS still does this at 3!! It's very difficult to ignore - and very embarrassing if we're out - and on occasion I'm afraid I have just lost patience and told him off . Now he's older I can see he is often looking for a reaction from me!! But above comments are completely right - the best and most successful strategy is to ignore it. I find it most effective if I ignore and then start doing something "interesting". Then he'll sometimes forget that he's cross and come and join in!! Parenting is definitely a challenge at times !

Ignore ignore ignore. They all do it!

Distraction works when you know they're about ready to throw one. Wouldn't pop him in the playpen to be honest, as that's a punishment and will only upset him more.

Sorry to hear you had so many dirty looks and comments. People are so quick to judge and they conviently forget that all parents go through this!!!

There is a 5th option which is a slight variation on 3. not to give him what he wants but to offer cuddles while gently but firmly setting a limit about whatever you're saying no too.

Tantrumming is actually a really healthy way that toddlers use to get rid of frustration . If you can try to be there with warmth and understanding but not giving in the tantrum may last longer than if you try distraction, ignoring etc.
but the difference is that if you listen to the end of a tantrum rather than trying to stop it then your child will be in an amazing mood having got rid of all that frustration.

If he's having a tantrum in a coffee shop you could quietly excuse yourself and take him off to a quiet corner while he's tantrumming then come back when he's finished and in a much better mood. I've found this really helps to just let my dd have one big healthy tantrum and then we enjoy the rest of the day, rather than spending the whole day trying to stop tantrums!
And you would probably find that if you let tantrums run their course your son will have a lot less.

completely normal. We have been glared at when he's having a melt down and throwing and hitting in coffee shops etc too! Although, I confess, I am more irritated by the glaring adults that my tantruming child! DS is 21 months and it started about 3 months ago. We have tried all sorts and have finally settled on ignoring him. However this is most affective when we get up and leave the room. (Obviously making sure he isn't going to hurt himself on anything first). It seems that without an audience he sees little point in throwing himself around! We also found that his frustration lessened a lot when he learnt a small amount of sign language which we literally got from a library book. The best one is the sign for "Help me" which has reduced the melt downs too. I hope this helps.

omg i am so glad i read this. dd is nearly 15m and has started throwing some real wobblers. feel really bad ignoring her but on the other hand i can't do anything right.
her thing is pointing constantly at something then screaming the place down if she came get it. i offer her a hug if suitable and she is usually calms down.
can i just ask re tantrums and eating? dd has started tantruming whilst having lunch or dinner. esp if i don't let her chuck the food around. tonight i ignored her as she was strapped in the chair but she hasn't eaten a thing tonight.... is this okay!??

I really appreciate all the feedback you have all given me, it helps make me feel less of a failure. A lot of the time the screaming isn't even really want you'd call a temper - it's more like an angry strop when things aren't going his way and he screams repeatedly to complain. We've realised that this mostly happens when we're in town - and we take him to nursery in town (which he's just started) and where I catch the train when I drop him off at my parents for fortnightly overnight stays. Although he loves both of these things we're thinking separation anxiety may be the issue when we're not at home - we think that he's worried we're taking him somewhere where we'll be leaving him. As soon as we're on our way home his whole demeanour changes to his normal happy self. Bit of a breakthrough revelation. The other day he had a fit when my sister popped round and he adores her - but sees her almost exclusively at my parents'.

So we've been reassuring g him - reminding him of how much fun he has and that we always see him the next day, and we'll never leave him for long. When he screams at home we tell him we can't understand him when he screams and so we can't help him until he calms down.

This week his screaming has reduced by about 80% - and he's learned (nearly) to say juice, which I'm guessing is what he's normally trying to tell us. So progress and very encouraging!