Should I take this further, Bullying, Triangle friendship?

[kjrv81]

Sorry for the waffley story

My DD1 is 11 and in year 6 at primary. She has had a best friend for over a year - girl A. Before they became best friends my dd was good friends with another girl - girl B. Girl B was always going off with the older girls leaving DD1 out so thats how DD1 and girl A became best buddies.

For about the past year, since the older girls have now moved to high school, girl B has been trying to come between DD1 and her best friend. Just recently she has stepped it up a bit and I think now it has now turned into bullying behavior.

Over the past few months of so DD has told me the following. Girl B talks over DD1 to girl A when DD tries to talk to her. Won't let DD1 sit with them on their table even though there is room. When DD1 tries to sit with girl A, girl B jumps in the seat so she can't. Left DD1 out on a school trip and were singing she is all alone songs to DD1. Whispering behind DD1s back. Girl B also bit DD1 a while back which was dealt with at time. Girl A is a nice girl but is a bit easily led.

I have tried speaking to her teacher twice who says she has been watching them but has not seen any of this going on. Girl B is very manipulative and often does things slyly.

The trouble is she is in a very small school and there are only 6 girls in her class and already sort of paired of. DD1 is now worried about high school as girl B is going as well as Girl A.

Just really a bit fed up of DD1 coming home upset everyday, and it is
upsetting me a bit I guess as she is my PFB.

Should I put in a complaint to the head or is that overreacting a bit. Or any other words of wisdom?

Thanks for reading

This is so common at this age. It's natural for them to do this to some extend but also completely not on. I think that you need to help DD get some more strategies to deal with this...have you considered inviting just girl A over for a sleepover or something? Would she come?

In high school ALL of the relationships change again...everyone's in the same boat and new friendships are forged. School needs to do more in my opinion...

Thanks for the reply Neo. Friend A did indeed come round last week for a sleep over. They are fine when it is just the two of them but it gets toxic when friend B is there.

Girls can be so mean and its hard seeing her unhappy.

I had a similar problem when my DD was in year 6, again with only a small number of girls in her class. It's spiteful and thoroughly unkind. It's not you being PFB, it is you trying to protect your DD from unpleasant and unnecessary behaviour.

I think I would ask to speak to the headteacher if it were me. The teacher has brushed aside your concerns and as you say the girl in question is probably careful enough not to risk getting caught. They have half a term left which is a long time to feel miserable when you are only 11.

Don't forget that at high school there will be large numbers in every class so this girl will be diluted and may not even come into contact with your DD. There will be loads of new people for your DD to be friends with.

I was fortunate in that the class teacher took my concerns seriously so I am hoping the headteacher will do the same for you. The girls in question in my DD's class were made to apologise to DD in front of the class which did not go down very well with them, but it did the trick.

However, I was totally blanked by one of the girl's parents in front of many other parents at the leavers' assembly which was rather embarrassing, but a small price to pay really.

Good luck, hope that helps a little.

Thanks for the reply Monika, sorry your DD had to suffer too.

I think I will chat to the teacher she is the deputy head I asked her to watch them but maybe it is passing under the radar.

Maybe your DD needs to get a bit bitchy back. I know that's tough when you're not naturally that way inclined. but a few snappy comebacks could help her?

Neo I did tell her that. She has confronted girl B and told her to stop being two faced, but this child has skin thicker than mud.

I have bought her a book on how to deal with this so hope that helps her understand it not her but this girls problem.

Sorry to hear your daughter's having a tough time. it's a credit to your parenting that she's able to come home and tell you what's going on and show her upset. When I was your daughter's age, I hid my upsets, and just came out in other ways, getting angry at my sister etc.

This article might be interesting for you, it explains about how to listen to an upset child who's being bullied and how listening and tears are part of a healing process that will help you come up with a solution that works for you. Good luck.

www.handinhandparenting.org/news/52/64/What-To-Do-About-Bullying

Thanks for the link and your kind word cloudhands. I hid my feelings too as a child so I am so pleased DD1 feels able to confide in me.

We listened to some cathartic music together and she feels slightly better. Will see what her teacher says tomorrow.

Maybe have a chat about what constitutes friendship / a good relationship? Help her put together a list of things that she thinks are bottom-lines in a friendship. It's a good skill to know when to walk away from toxic relationships. And it will help her when she's got boyfriends to sort the wheat out from the chaffe.

Thanks Kiwi will do as you suggested. The teacher actually approached us this morning as she had noticed there was a problem yesterday. She is going to speak to the girls and also liaise with her new high school about the situation with the girls and try and keep DD1 away from them.