Help please!

[lilsami88]

Hi I would like some advice on my near 5 year old. Her behaviour is getting out of control, example; last night we went out for a meal with family and at home time she kicked off. Would not get into the car, it becomes physical where you have to pin her down to strap her in the car, she then in buckles the strap starts kicking screaming. When eventually she stops unbuckling the screaming and kicking continues until we get home where she won't get out the car. We all get out the car and lock it pretend to walk away after a while she bangs on the windows leaves the car and stands for another 10 minutes.
When she finally gets up the stairs to our flat the screaming kicking, punching biting continues so we put her in the naughty corner to calm down. We try to explain that this is not good behaviour and she needs to calm down we ask why she does this, she can't tell us. She looks blank and a lot of the time can't remember (so it's seems) what she has been doing.
This happens a lot, she also every few weeks will refuse to clean her teeth at bedtime (only) so we tell her fine go straight to bed and your teeth will fall out etc she will get into bed and literally 5minutes later behave as previous description begging to clean them. We allow her to go in the bath room and she still won't.
The 'tantrum' lasts for longest 2 hours.
We have a 3 year old who doesn't behave like this, but will copy the night after not to the same extent though.
We are really at a lose end and don't know what to do. I've told her I am cancelling her bday party next month and am feeling very guilty over it.

Not much point have a punishment a month away - it needs to be more immediate and done as a direct consequence. Also leaving in the car probably compounded the problem. Can you give her a chart to earn back a birthday party with some targets for good behaviour?

Is she often like this , and at school ? Ever been assessed or have other difficulties ? Was she perhaps overtired or have too many sweet/coloured things to eat and drink ? Keep things calm , routine and simple for a while and see if it has any impact. If she kicks off have a safe place to put her so she can calm down and rejoin you when she has.

She won't get out the car! She'll move into the front and it will be a case of cat & mouse chase.

She's good at school, no problems from the teachers she has said she doesn't like it or want to go back, but only in the evenings. The mornings she's as happy as anything to go in.
We tend not to give her sweets or coloured flavouring type of drinks as we noticed a while back her behaviour.
She hates to be out of routine and 'spontaneous' occurrences such as going to the park after dinner and being told its time to go with no warning,as normally when we are ready to leave I always give a 5 minute warning so they both know and can get ready but being with family who doesn't understand her specific wats just upped and left.
We have been doing star charts etc since she was old enough to understand tbh they have no real effect on her, we have laid out rules written up so she can read them, she goes through this every so often maybe every few weeks, we have always put it down to routine and tiredness, spoken to her school as she can be very OCD with a lot of things which they haven't picked up on, had her assessed but nothing came about.
We spoke to her this morning but she had no recollection of her tantrum...

You could go to the GP for a referral to paediatrician.
It sounds as if she has a problem with transitions and is not flexible about her routine.
I would suggest using a counting method. So you have to get out of the car in ten seconds, then tell her when it is 5, and count down. Then ensures he gets out (be prepared).
It is also better to reward good behaviour than punish bad, and any punishments should be straight away and relevant.

I also think telling a child of 5 you have to clean your teeth or they will fall out, is unlikely to work. They will either refuse just to see if their teeth fall out straight away, or will ignore it as not meaning anything. It would be better to have a "going to bed time table" with pictures and making sure you go through each step each evening, maybe leather tick them off?

If her routine is not to the exact, for example we have dinner, bath pjs watch half hour of tele then it's straight to clean teeth, toilet and bed she will resist going to bed.
The only reason I tell her things about her teeth is because I was never pushed to clean mine during childhood and have not very nice teeth now which obviously effects me...in the norm she loves to brush them and both kids will ask to do them more than required.
We have always rewarded and praised any good, we try to ignore the bad but sometimes it gets to the stage where we are repeating 6or7 times for the same thing in a short space of time it gets too much.
My main concern is that she doesn't remember having these tantrums.
I am hoping it's due to over tiredness, although we have a set routine I will do the bedtime routine, but may extend it to a daily routine?