At the end of my tether with toilet training. Please help

[Peanutbutterfingers]

DS is 3.3 and I just don't know how to help him move on.

He is generally quite good at home, we have potty in living room and he will go of his own accord and proudly show me contents - as long as he has nothing on his bum.

Every other day or so he waits until he has a pull up on and then does a poo. Straight away.

I didn't want to use pull ups but tried, last week he decided that he was a big boy now and would only wear nappies for sleeping, i thought this was the fabled 'getting it' that something had clicked. he loves the pull ups but treats them like nappies, just goes when he needs to go, despite being asked every 20 mins if he needs potty and taking him every hour.

After making all the fuss about what a big boy he is I don't feel I can out him back in nappies. If I suggest pants he has hysterics. Even though we did the whole special shopping trip, chosen himself ect.

I can't use pull ups indefinitely, they're extortionate! And we don't seem to have moved on over last 3 months. I've tried bribery, backing off, praise. We have a seat for the toilet but he doesn't like that (uses it at childminders for some reason)...

It's difficult going out as he is terrified of public loos, it started when he was quite young, he's terrified of driers and can't go in a loo if there's one, even if I switch it off, promise it won't go off ect. Hysterical. Difficult for me, nightmare for childminder who HAS to manage taking the other children to loo even if DS in nappies. He seemed to be getting over it but since toilet training it's ten times worse.

I just don't k ow what else to do. We don't have a garden but the naked thing doesn't really help as he can do it of his own accord when naked.

This morning he had been naked all morning, sat on potty and weed, then did a poo in his pull ups straight after they went on. I'm not proud but I just burst into tears. He is bright and articulate but I can't get him over the fear or understand how to help him move to next stage. Called my mum for some support and she told me I give him too much choice and control, ie I spoil him. I thought you were supposed to let them take it at their own pace?

Please help

Well dont make a big deal of pants. Doing the whole big boy thing has probably overwhelmed him a bit. He's not really a big boy - he's just a little one. So be casual about it.

Also try bribery. We went for chocolate buttons for poos, stickers for wees. Worked a treat!

We didnt use public toilets much at first as stuck close to home. He doesn't much like them now so I give him a coping strategy which is to put his hands over his ears if the driers go off. Don't make a big deal, just be matter of fact about going to the toilet, take him in and be quick but not hurried.

And your mum is right to an extent. He is only 3. He needs your guidance - do no you don't force it but dont hoist choices onto him about something he doesn't understand. We as adults do it without thinking but being toilet trained is new to him!

Thanks creature. Choc buttons and stickers worked really well in the beginning, he quickly learnt to produce 6 drops every few mins :)

Maybe we are making too big a deal.

Will try hands on ears, however he is terrified, it is very distressing. He's a happy little soul normally and the screaming and clawing to get out are genuine

I have been in your situation and remember how difficult it is. You just have to keep going and it will eventually happen. Honestly it will. My ds was 3.7 when he was finally toilet trained.

My ds did not like using pottys or toilets. At around 3.3 my ds would only pee in a thing called a happy pee which I bought from amazon. When he needed a poo he would ask for a pull up and do it in that. Then eventually at 3.7 he started doing poos in a potty. Eventually he moved on to using the toilet but it took a long time.

I found it made things worse if I was feeling stressed about it so I would take a break for a while and then start again. It will happen when he is ready. I regret getting so upset about it. Some kids are just not ready until they are a bit older. Good luck.

Maybe you should try to stay away from public toilets with hand driers for a while. If he is terrified he is not likely to feel relaxed enough to use the toilet.

My ds was scared of sitting on a toilet that is why he had to pee in the happy pee thing and then pour it down the toilet. I dont think it is good to make them do things that upset them.

Are there places you can go that have a separate family toilet? There is one at our local Sainsburys and debenhams, these were great for when my ds was getting used to public toilets.

It sounds like he is "getting it" - but in stages. My daughter was similar. She also had the terror of public loos. We took her potty everywhere. Now she's fine though and rejects the potty to come in the loo with us. She just changed over time.

One of her probs was that for a while she didn't like pooing in the potty/loo and just went in her pants. That was gross.

she's fine (mostly) now.

You are not alone. DD 3.6 can wee on the potty but will only poo in her pull up at night. I have refused to put them on in the day, but she manages to hold on until the night and produce a poo then. Have done 'poo goes to pooland', stickers and bribery to no avail. Like your DS she is also terrified of public loos. I just can't seem to move her on. She will grow out of it, of course, but it is frustrating.

I didn't bother with public toilets for ages, just carried a potty. I built up to potty use in the cubicle and I used the loo at the same time, one day he took up my offer of the big toilet. My ds had exactly the same fear of hand driers, I had forgotten until the other day when I used one without thinking. He was shaking in a cubicle and I had to carry him out screaming in the end because the hand drier was by the door and he was too scared to pass it. I felt awful.

Funnily my ds clicked with the potty the day I just gave up the will to care.