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Worried about 5 yo DD's 'best' friend - who is often not very friendly!

8 replies

mcontrol · 04/06/2013 08:49

Hello, I wonder if anyone has any advice? Quick(ish!) synopsis, is that my DD is in reception class at school. Her 'best friend' is a little girl who lives very close to us. I say best friend in the sense that my DD is not that confident and seems to have attached herself very closely to this other little girl - I'll call her B. This would be fine, except that I think that B is very, very difficult. We have known her for a couple of years now, and I have always been unsure how to deal with her. She is very loud, bossy, sometimes (actually often) rude to me and often really quite cruel to my DD.

I hate to say that about a five year old but I have thought long and hard and can't think of any other way to put it. I don't know any other child I would say this about and also would not want to imply that my DD is a paragon of virtue. I think there are certain reasons why B is like this, which I won't go into here, but essentially and I hope this doesn't sound judgmental I think it's partly about a lack of discipline and boundary setting at home.

Anyway, as far as I can work out my DD doesn't really seem to play with anyone else, and I am really worried that she is learning a very dodgy model of friendship by being so close to B who as I say often reduces my DD to tears simply by being quite horrible.

What should/can I do? I was wondering about speaking to her teacher and asking who else she plays with. Perhaps I could try and cultivate some other friendships (although I work full time so play dates etc a bloody nightmare)? I am aware that her teacher has had problems with B too, and has spoken to her mother (who to complicate things further, I would now count as a friend). Am I worrying too much? Any thoughts really welcome!

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DeepRedBetty · 04/06/2013 08:52

Definitely speak to the teacher and find out if there are some other little girls or boys she could be encouraged to spend time with.

Could you sell this to the other girl's mum too? Something on the lines of wanting to expand their friendships for both their sakes?

mcontrol · 04/06/2013 08:59

Thanks for responding. OK, speak to the teacher. I will do that. I don't want to sound like I'm slagging off B to the teacher, but do you think it's OK to mention that I think there are a few issues in B's behaviour?

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Primrose123 · 04/06/2013 09:09

I've seen this before, mcontrol, in my DD's class at primary school. There was a very loud confident bossy girl, let's call her M, and a very quiet shy girl, I'll call her L.

M was the eldest in the class, and very much a good all rounder and also a queen bee. These two girls became best friends, but M literally controlled L. L wasn't allowed to play with anyone else, but M did, and M was quite mean to her. This went on until year 6, and L's mum tried to get her to make new friends, but she was too scared to break away from M. In the end L's mum sent her to a different secondary school from M, and told me that she hoped L would be able to make new friends and be their 'equal'.

I know this because my DD really liked L and we tried to encourage their friendship. However, L would only play with DD when she and M had fallen out, the rest of the time she was too scared to cross her.

I would really try to help your DD make other friends too. Talk to her about how friends like each other and are nice to one another. Tell her if someone is unkind she doesn't have to play with them.

It sounds to me like your DD is a little scared of B and doesn't want to upset her. :(

mcontrol · 04/06/2013 09:12

Thanks Primrose, that's interesting. I think that my DD is a little scared of B and also just of being at school and out in the big world. Because B is so dominant, I think this offers my DD a bit of perceived protection, but on the other hand obviously only when B feels like it. My DD nearly broke my heart the other day when she said that B had told her she wouldn't play with her, and she couldn't find anyone else to play with.

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tigersmummy · 04/06/2013 14:12

The reducing DD to tears is one issue and needs to be addressed. Speaking to the teachers is the first step, maybe she behaves differently in the classroom as I know my DS says he only plays with X but the teacher tells me he also interacts with others. Regarding modelling poor behaviour, DS' friend X is very difficult; always in trouble, plays rough, doesn't do as he's told. DS is no angel Wink and often doesn't do as he's told or listen either, but he knows that X's behaviour is naughty and not to be copied (although sometimes it is!). I've spoken to his teacher before and expressed my concern. However when X was off school ill for nearly two weeks before half term, dS' behaviour was dreadful - I put it down to tiredness and general growing up and testing boundaries, but on reflection I think that in DS case, he sees the poor behaviour and knows what NOT to do. So without it he was lost and unsettled. Does that make sense? Different friendship dynamics often work well even though on the surface they appear undesirable.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 04/06/2013 20:15

How do you react when B is rude to you?

ilovemountains · 04/06/2013 20:26

We had a very similar situation. We spoke to the teacher and also invited other girls over for tea individually. It seems to have worked. The other girl is still nasty sometimes, but my DD now tells her that she doesn't like those things being said to her, and then goes to play with other children instead.

mcontrol · 06/06/2013 13:00

Spoke to the teacher and hope all will be OK. Thanks all for your advice.

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