I just want to cry and cry and cry!

[grandmainmypocket]

My son is usually a really great kid. As with most children better behaved with other people than with me. I'm a lone parent who has high standards, and with time I've learnt to ease up a lot as it's so important to me that he's not stressed and he has a good childhood. But.....

I'm just fed up. I bend over backwards to make happy and to put his needs first. Everything I say, he says the opposite. So I learnt to take deep breaths, and appreciate it's his age. As I see a lot of 4-6 yr olds trying to exert their authority. Everything is a battle, even going to the toilet. I take him for a meal out (which is a treat even for me, as we're low income) and there's an argument. I praise him constantly for good behaviour. I explain to him what I disliked about his behaviour and ask him if he understands why it's unpleasant. But none of it gets through. If you met him you would say he's angelic, but I can't do it. Tonight, I've just finished work and we chatted about something, and I can't even remember what it was and he started wingeing and crying. I thought ffs what's wrong now and I blew and he's asleep before 7pm and I'm so mad with him and myself I just don't want to get up and do anything.
Why do we become parents, I don't remember. I absolutely hate his behaviour. I spend weekends taking him for bike rides or swimming, I actually schedule time to spend with him so I don't get too busy and caught up with work. And it's never ever enough. I don't have much support, I can't talk to friends or family. But over the last two weeks I actually feel as if I can't stand him at all. I feel like spending as little time as possible with him, because he is just difficult. I know I'm being selfish and not taking his age into account, but is it too much to expect kids who are almost 5 to have a couple of hours where they don't winge, don't lie, don't constantly backchat when you need their help. Is this unreasonable if you give them love, attention, time and things they want???

Sorry if it is obvious but do you punish him when he is naughty, I see you discuss his behaviour but are there consequences for him?

You can over-explain you know

A short sharp no can put a boundary in place that helps children

That said there's no cure, parenting is tough and seems thankless at times right up until the next smile, cuddle or kiss

It is possible that he would prefer a little less input form you, now that he is older.
Does he go on playdates?

I don't think you always need to put his needs first either. You're the adult. He has to learn to fit in round what you want to do at least some of the time. And if that means learning to sit, bored, while you chat/finish a chore/xxx then that won't kill him.

yep. I punish. I take away tv time. No juice for a week. To be fair, when he says he's not going to do something, I ask again and if he gives me even the slightest noise, I start counting with my fingers and he goes off running to do it, or stops. But I hate having to constantly be on his back.
I'm a bit spoilt because he does listen a lot, but I suppose I want him to listen a bit more. e.g. he gets dressed by himself, washes his own teeth, helps out. But it feels like our home is a battle zone when we are alone. I used to find mornings tough, he would always drive me mental. I read a few threads on here and I showed him the clock, and said I'll help him get ready but if he's not ready, either I go without him, or he misses nursery. Since then mornings are fab.
But when it comes to choosing breakfast, he wants opposite to what I've chosen. If I give him a choice he changes his mind midway (I can either relent, or just go ahead with what I've started, but either way, it's ANOTHER fight). We go for a walk, winge winge winge. Soon as he sees his friends, runs off and can run for the entire afternoon. I have a bad back and he's constantly pulling me and it hurts. I tell him to get off and I know he's just playing, but it hurts, and I just wish he remembered without me having to keep saying it.

I think most of what you are saying sounds like normal child behaviour. My ds is almost four though so haven't had a dc of nearly 5. Is it possible you are expecting too much of him?

Maybe I am........

but is parenting so constant without a reprieve in their behaviour. It's been almost two weeks now with me dreading each day, and I don't know how to turn it around, or how to react, if this is ordinary behaviour for kids. It probably is, but I take it so personally, and it just makes me not want to make an effort doing extra special things with or for him.

This sounds tough OP. My DS has just come out 'on the other side' and it was hard to go through that phase.
What worked for me was to be better at giving the full picture as I realised that I often just gave short orders and expected compliance ( eat your food, get dressed, put on your shoes) and I now try to give the bigger picture even when I feel he should know it. E.g. 'we now have 1 hour before we leave. Let's have breakfast and then we will both get showered/dressed and if it all happens smoothly we can play x for 10 minutes'. Moreover, I started punishing consistently (time out) after 1 warning instead of my earlier empty threats which rarely were followed through or too extreme compared to what he did
Hope you will find something which works for you.

I think with breakfast I would give a choice but make it clear he has one chance to pick and then must eat what he is given or go hungry. If going for a walk and he starts whinging then one warning then take him home. If he is stroppy then send him to his room till he can behave properly and only do nice things with him if/when he behaves.

It does sound quite normal for a child of that age. I know what you mean about expecting a lot as my DC1 age 7 and DC2 age 5 are well behaved too. I think you need to accept that this is normal for his age / the phase he's in. Try to stop taking it so personally. And please don't stop doing special things with him - I don't think you'll see his behaviour improve!

It is relentless sometimes but this too will pass.

Also, I know you don't get much support but is there even anyone who could take him for a couple of hours to give you a bit of time to yourself?

I had similar issues with my kids. A friend observed me with them and was really helpful. Even though I was dishing out punishments left, right and centre (felt like), she said I lacked authority with them. I am fairly relaxed so if I could see them getting upset and to me it wasn't something important, I may back down on the original demand. Or, just not expect them to be obedient. A couple of tips really helped me:

• Come down like a ton of bricks for a short while. Do not back down on ANYTHING. It will be a big battle for a week or so, but will get better. Explain why you're doing this but then stick to it.
• Obviously keep up with all the positive stuff too, praise etc.
• This is really small but has made a massive difference. Counting. I used to do 1.......2.....3. Now I do 5.4.3.2.1. It is fast and they actually jump to do things on 5 when I start as they know it's going to go quickly, rather than dragging their heels till I hit 2 because each pause takes a long time. They will have a consequence if it is not done on time.

I think you can include time out in his repertoire of consequences. Most kids don't like this.

I punish lying the most severely at all as honesty is very important.

I send them to room for whingeing when it gets really bad as I don't want to hear it. They can come down when they don't want to whinge anymore.

I have a 4yr old who contradicts everything I say. I don't engage anymore. Today it was, "Mum. This is NOT the way to school" (we were coming from a different place not home). I said, "Yes it is." He said, "No it's not" and I left it not a big lecture on, "Who knows best, you or me?", "You'll see, look there's co-op, see we're going the right way." He's a bright kid. He can figure I was right! Doesn't stop him, but it does stop the arguing.

Thank you all.

Sounds a bit like he's knackered & maybe doing too much. I was like you with my kids at first but now I appreciate doing nothing & letting some things go! Choose your battles, its not always worth it

Sounds like you need to detach ever so slightly .
A pleasant yes you can do that or please stop that is enough.
He is a child, don't treat him like an adult and don't over engage or over tell off or explain or he might get mixed messages and way too much attention.

With respect I think you need to try and calm down and back off him a little. He hasn't been on this planet for 5 years, yet you seem to have (in my opinion) very high expectations of him. I know whinging can really get on ones nerves (believe me it does mine), but usually a child having a sense of humour failure is down to plain and simple tiredness.

Please don't think I don't sympathise with you, I do, but remember he is still so very very young and has a massive amount of maturing yet to do.

Of course every child needs clear boundaries/discipline, but likewise you have also got to understand and accept that his behaviour is absolutely normal for a normal 4 year old. Take a step back and try to see things from a 4 year old's point of view as well, and find a way for it to work for both of you.

You also mention that no matter what you do it is never enough. I know this is hard because you are not feeling appreciated and that it is all taken for granted. However, yet again at such a young and tender age, they just do not have the maturity to see this, life really is a bowl of cherries at this stage, and it is only when he is older that he will appreciate you.

I know it's very hard at times but I bet you wouldn't be without him! :-)

I hadn't thought about the fact that he could be tired. I will definitely try taking it easy. It's a bit of a catch 22 because he's constantly bouncing off walls and wanting to jump and do things, and since we started football and swimming that has calmed.
Also I love tv time and chilling on weekends, but it would always end up in arguments, so I started filling them again.So might try a bit of chill time.

I definitely wouldn't be without him. He is my world, but I just want a bit of a break from the constant challenging that he does.I'm going to try holding back my expectations, and I think I might go back for counselling. People take it for granted, that when they have a bad day, they have another person to talk to, or someone else who experiences the bad times too. I wonder if I'm less stressed if I might not take it so personally.

Tiredness and stress are not good when dealing with these little ones. It can be very very hard indeed.

I don't know about counselling, but my view is why not if it helps :-)

And NEVER take it personally because you are his world.

Good luck xx

I think consistency and routine will help. Do away with punishments like losing tv-time and no juice etc. and just use time-out. Punishments that drag on for a week are not going to work with a 4 year old, he won't really understand/remember why he's being punished. Time-out is immediate, can be used anywhere and is over quickly. Reserve punishments for bad behaviour rather than 'normal' behaviour like white lies, fidgeting, bad table manners etc. Pick you battles.

Try and have a consistent routine, always give him a warning of what is coming up next and what will happen after that. Using a timer or similar is a good way to help him understand time. Set aside time each day for him to play quietly by himself and for you to have a rest from him.

Be calmer, engage less and be firmer in a kind way. Learn to be quiet instead of lengthy telling s off and explanations!
It all sounds as if you are way over the top with him, much too intense.

Agree with keepcool. He's very young and it sounds as though you are expecting a lot. Also I'm not sure how you end up arguing with a 4 yo. Don't engage, don't explain. If he starts objecting to something unobjectionable such as the wrong plate at breakfast, just disengage.

When mine start off on something I wander off (or pretend to).

Also are you trying too hard to create special times? He'd enjoy building a tower of cushions in the living room with you as much as the trips and bike rides. And yes you need time for yourself as well.

Hope you get onto an even keel soon.

The book how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk is really useful.

I think fwiw that he sounds very normal but you sound quite stressed, I think if you are putting his needs first all the time there is a risk of you starting to resent him. Also if you don't want arguments don't argue or debate with him. So for example with the breakfast cereal I would just say 'which cereal would you like this morning? You can have a or b?'

If he starts whinging or moaning say 'O.KAY thats fine, no cereal then' and put it away.

Its doubtful he would do it more than once

Awww, actually he sounds like a normal 4 year old. And you sound like a normal stressed parent of a 4 year old. They are hard work. My DD is beautifully behaved at nursery etc but will then do battle with me at the end of the day as a way of asserting her control. Eg today we had tears over something ridiculous and her saying "you've hurt my feelings" and me saying "you've hurt mine as you won't do what you're told!".

As others have said, the key (in part) is not to take it personally, to have clear boundaries and maybe to differentiate between the behaviour and the child. It must be even tougher being a lone parent as you don't get time off, or not as much which really helps with perspective. Also, he'll start school in September, this really helps- did with my DS. Somehow he started school, turned 5 and there were no more battles (or a lot, lot less!). I'm hoping this happens with DD too- easier to see the second time round as age appropriate behaviour- not desirable but part of them growing up .

If you are not careful he will think he is an adult and the boss of you by the time he is 10.
Parenting effectively comes with experience and I'm sure most of us will have been similar with first children. And I am speaking from experience not being patronising.
Don't get angry or over parent him, just be calm and enjoy time together. If he starts playing up, quieten down, he will soon calm down himself.

I like "Can you be a big boy and...."