How to achieve and maintain an improvement in son's behaviour?

[Dianne39]

My son is 6, soon to be 7 in July. He is generally a friendly, outgoing, engaging little boy, but is the worst in the world at either doing/not doing something he is told on first telling. He got his first bad school report at last parent's night about it, but I'm not sure whether his behaviour has improved much since.

Punishments usually seem like water off a duck's back - not being allowed out to play or go to afterschool activities don't really seem to bother him much.

He is allowed to spend some of his time on "screen time" and I suspect when my husband is left in charge it is for a longer time as he's usually looking for a quiet time to do his own thing.....don't get me started on misbehaving husbands ;-)

Anyway, I have told him that he will have no access to TV, his DS, my laptop, his tablet or my phone (not that he's on many of those things regularly, it's just he's ingenious at finding loopholes in rules!) unless he earns "credits" by doing things first time and without needing to be hounded to do them.

His behaviour has improved markedly since then and he's been awarded 2 "credits". I'm just wondering what the next step will be once he (hopefully) has worked his way towards being allowed the full choice of items for any screen time he has.

Anyone any ideas (no fundamentalist ones about preventing access to all electronic devices on a permanent basis, please, as he sees his Dad and I using them on a regular basis!)

Thanks,

Dianne

Goodluck. I would love to read some of the advice you're going to get and see if I can apply some myself.

Wow, I hadn't considered it as "Just Fucking Do it", nor would I consider that I wasn't modelling the behaviour myself (as I can generally do tasks without being asked repeatedly).

Examples? Stopping doing something dangerous/naughty/cheeky - climbing on things he shouldn't, hitting things with sticks, doing something likely to cause damage to the item he's using/hitting/not taking care of.

Everyday things like getting dressed, brushing teeth, putting on shoes, taking half an hour over going to the toilet. In school, not finishing schoolwork at the same pace as the children around him when it's something that isn't his favourite, talking when he shouldn't, carrying on instead of doing his work.

Is it normal to have to stand over a child while they do everything, or isn't it reasonable to expect that at the age of nearly 7 they can be expected to do these things?

Perhaps I should also add that while I make reference to things not being done on first asking, nor are they done on the second, third or more asking on many occasions.

I have a non-listener too, who can take an age to complete a task which isn't interesting to her. One thing that helped was a rule whereby if I had to ask her three times to do something, there would be a forfeit (in her case cash, as it matters to her). Invariably on the second time of telling, as I pointed out that she wouldn't want me to tell her again, she would get herself into gear.

I don't need to do it anymore, she listens better now.

That sounds like an interesting idea, sounds well worth a try, as there are limited ways of making what are pretty boring tasks any more interesting!

Honestly - lowering access to screens (of all shapes and sizes!) has improved my son's behaviour enormously.

He needs to understand that not doing things first time has consequences which matter to him. (if that means screen time lowered then I would use this

Generally putting the onus on him, by asking him if it is a good way to behave/act

Omega oils - I think work (no scientific proof though...)

I'm definitely thinking it could be one of the factors in his behaviour (there was no mistake in my choice of sanction ;-) I might need to be more explicit about holding to the rules when I'm out in the evenings as well though, as I've a feeling at the moment it can be a bit of a boys club where it's pizza for tea, telly is on all night and everything happens about an hour later than normal......!

Have you tried count-to-three and consequence? Worked nicely for us. The way it works is: first say his name to get his attention, then tell him what to do (put the stick down / climb down etc), tell him you?re going to count to three and what the consequence will be for not doing it, and count to three steadily (think ?ONE-banana-TWO-banana-THREE?. If he does as he?s told on ?three? you have won, supply praise and do happy dance. If he doesn?t do it on ?three?, apply the consequence. (If he does it before ?three? then congratulations, you have given birth to a saint )

The rules for making this work are: never slow the counting down ; if you think he?ll need more time then tell him you?re going to count to five or ten instead; always apply the consequence if he doesn?t obey on ?three? (or before, if you?re lucky) so make sure you have a quick easy consequence (losing ?credits? should be fine); do praise him for doing as he?s told by/on ?three?. And never ever ever go to ?two-and-a-half?.

And do remember to distinguish between annoying and really dangerous / destructive behaviour ? if he?s doing something really dangerous or damaging then you?ll need to yell a warning and intervene physically. But otherwise count-to-three is good enough. Most kids don't do instant obedience.

Ah, I haven't used counting to three in a while, it did always work well when he was small, bizarrely there was never any need to explain consequences, for some reason needing to do it before three came seemed to be reason enough! It had fallen out of use due to his behaviour being much better......!

I think perhaps I've been trying to treat him as more "grown-up" than he is - maybe he's a bit young yet to expect him to take as much responsibility for his behaviour as I have been.

Yeah, I think the count-to-three just gives them a bit of time to think and change direction? Especially if they?re a bit excitable or easily distracted, or like my son who tended to be superfocussed on whatever appalling thing he happened to be doing. I know I was still doing it age six, can't remember when I stopped, and we definitely had some times when we needed it more than others.

I also found myself smiling through gritted teeth and saying ?two more hits with the stick and then put it down ? two, one, that?s right dear?. Arrgh!

This could have been me writing about my 12 year old, at one point I actually wondered whether he had a hearing problem!

If he really is like mine, one thing that works for me is to make sure I have his attention, eye contact, and give him one instruction at a time, after which he is to report back. I get him to repeat back to me what he's just heard. It's boring but effective.
As for electronic gadgets, we found some caused more attention problems and sullenness issues than others. He has Xbox only after 4 on a weekend as a general rule because otherwise he loses interest in reading or family time and turns into an argumentative unpleasant creature.
Sometimes like you I do have to stand over him, hanging up clothes is one of these jobs. Brushing teeth used to be, but random spot checks with disclosing tablets fixed that.
It's slow and painful this parenting thing, just make sure you're very consistent about each thing until it's ingrained - that's what I find hard. Let us know what works!