Please help - my 5 yo DS is suddenly really unhappy

[birdsnotbees]

Since just before half-term, my lovely DS has undergone a transformation. He has suddenly become upset (hysterical) when I drop him at school. He's in reception. He refused to go to bed for the past week. He's had tantrums twice in the middle of the night - he is normally a brilliant sleeper. He's been playing up in the day, too, refusing to eat his breakfast, being horrible to his little sister and generally pushing boundaries.

I can't see a reason for this. Nothing has changed. He loves school & has been fine about going all year. Everything is stable at home, and he has good friends. His teacher is really surprised when I tell her he's acting up at home as he is very good - he is normally a really sweet little lad.

The only thing I can think of is that he is jealous of his DS. She is 2.5 but up until about 2 years old was a nightmare baby - she's lovely now, very cute and funny and I wonder if he didn't feel jealous of her until now because she wasn't a "threat", if you see what I mean. He was always the golden child until recently...

I can't think of anything else. I am getting worried about him now - dropped him back this morning after half-term and his teacher had to peel him off me and he was hysterical. Really distressing.

Is it common for little boys to go through a phase at this time - he's 5.5? Help - need some advice!

Talk to him!

I'd suggest making some faces with different emotions on them (happy/sad/worried/scared/etc) and use them to guide your chat. You may not like what he says...that is really important to realise and chastising him for it will only make it worse (if for example he says he hates his sister/wishes she wasn't there etc, you'd be hunting for the reason not telling him off for - to him - valid feelings). What he says and what he means can also be very different, purely because he may not find it easy to work out exactly what he's actually feeling.

You say your DD's behaviour has morphed, has this impacted your DS? Does he feel like she's now receiving more attention/affection/praise than he is? He may be feeling emotionally excluded if you/your DH/other people are suddenly exclaiming over how lovely your DD is now that she's happy. Is he getting less 1-2-1 time? Is he hearing you make fun plans with DD when he's not there?

Thanks Andro. Both me and DH have tried talking to him, and we do so in a non-accusatory way, but he does tend to clam up - it's just his personality. And I don't think he actually knows why. So if it is because he's feeling jealous he won't say. Maybe I could talk to him about how I used to feel jealous of my brother? Is that too indirect?

We've also started to spend some more 1 on 1 time with him (so DH took him swimming yesterday), and I've had a word with DH as I think he was being too hard on DS for acting up. I think being firm but kind works better than shouting at him- I think we had both fallen into that trap so the past week especially have made a concerted effort to be more patient and less tetchy with him.

But yes, I think he is feeling a bit pushed out. But he has spent the past week with loads of 1 on 1 time, special time just him and his grandparents, lots of great activities and treats... and he is worse than ever!

Talking about how you used to feel and suggesting that he might be feeling some of the same this is a great idea.

My DS found it very difficult to express what was feeling verbally for a long time, (and he's older than your DS) but talking about my feelings and pointing at the 'face/s' that matched encouraged him to point to his 'face/s'. My DS also found that drawing or writing in a journal/piece of paper (sometimes just a single word) and leaving it for me to look at was an easier way - he's now 10 and can discuss his feeling wonderfully.

Ironically, the amount of attention your DS received in the holidays could easily have made him more aware that all that will go once he's back at school (and your DD will be the one getting all that lovely attention when he's away).

Calm and would also be my tactic so I think you've made a good call there, ignore the bad as much as reasonable and really play up the positive (so that he associates good behaviour with lots of attention). Make a point of each of you (you and your DH) handing over responsibility for your DD to the other at times so that your DS gets quality time with you with the bonus of 'knowing' that you chose to spend time with him over your DD - sending the message that he's still important, hasn't been usurped by his sister and doesn't have to compete for your attention when she's there.

Helping a child re-develop their sense of security can be emotionally tough, it's worth it in the end though.

Thanks so much, that's such sound advice and will give it a go. I like the idea of "handing over" DD. The more I think about it, I think he's feeling insecure, as hand in hand with his bad behaviour is this sudden clingyness, i.e. the need to know that we still love him despite him behaving badly. I'm just not sure why he feels insecure but suspect it's to do with DD, who is all of a sudden super cute, funny and very verbal. Thanks again.