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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Feeling guilty about co sleeping

30 replies

Cupcakemummy85 · 31/05/2013 21:31

Hi all, my dd is nearly 4 months and has never been able to sleep in her cot or Moses. Everytime I try to put her in her own bed she wakes up and screams. I've tried all sorts of tricks and tactics, nothing works. With dd1 night times weren't really a problem and I really regret complaining about how she never napped in her cot in the day lol.
I'm feeling guilty because I know it's not the done thing to co sleep and everyone looks at u disapprovingly (including my in laws). Will she eventually go in her cot one day? Perhaps when she starts solids? I'm really worried my dh and I will be sleeping in the same bed as our dd until she's 6 lol. I've already given up trying to give her bottles as she won't take them so I've given up with the thought of having an evening out and now I'm giving up my evenings because I have to be in bed by half past six :(
I need advise and experiences please

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Skygirls · 31/05/2013 22:23

I know this probably doesn't help, but after 12 weeks of sleeping fine in the Moses basket, which was outgrown, I had problems with settling DC in the cot too.

Was so exasperated trying to do the comforting in the cot for hours on end and gave up. So DC ended up in bed co-sleeping with me, and is still there 7 months later.

I certainly don't feel guilty about it, and I have read about the dangers etc, but I don't smoke, am not overweight, don't drink and am not on medication. Also, I'm a light sleeper and intensely aware of every move made.

I'll move DC to own room at 12 months and will do the whole dramatic settling then, but until that time comes, I'm enjoying having my cuddly baby next to me.

Hope you find some answers and help on hear, and sorry I couldn't offer any advice. Good luck

TheChaoGoesMu · 31/05/2013 22:28

I co slept with both dc (not at the same time) until they were 11 months. Then they went into their own rooms / beds. It took them about a week to settle but it was fine.

LastButOneSplash · 31/05/2013 22:29

I'm looking at you approvingly if that helps

If you're worried about safety take a look at the ISIS website. There's all sorts of conflicting evidence.

I bed share. I think it's a lovely thing to do. If it suits you, there's nothing wrong with doing it. Equally if it doesn't, then don't feel you have to. Re the still being on your bed at 6 thing, the theory is because they've had that time in your bed, it ceases to be the exciting forbidden thing so they want their own space and leave your bed anyway. Of course that might not be to your timescale.

Whatever works for you is the right thing for you. Don't stress about 'done things'

Startail · 31/05/2013 22:33

Co sleeping is the most natural thing in the world. If it works for you just do it. Nothing to do with in laws, parents, HVs or anyone else except you, your partner and DC.

LastButOneSplash · 31/05/2013 22:34

Just a couple of possibly useful specifics, mine is 8 months and there since birth. First 6 months he slept on me downstairs till I went to bed. After 6 months I settle him in my bed then join him when I'm ready. He lies on the bed in a sleeping bag. So I don't go to bed at 630. About to go now. He's been there since 8. I'll get him out of sleeping bag and tuck up with me when I go up. It took him a couple of nights to be totally not bothered by me leaving him there. And when he was bothered it was just going back up and feeding him to sleep a couple if times.

MultipleMama · 31/05/2013 22:52

Have you tried a co-sleeper, one that attaches to your or bed or goes in the middle of your bed by the pillows? We used both with our dc and it was so much easier to settle them close to me rathen than in a moses basket or cot.

MultipleMama · 31/05/2013 22:56

Co sleeper by bed and the one by your pillows.

Just in case you didn't know haha.

FaddyPeony · 31/05/2013 23:02

Just a suggestion. Stop telling your in-laws about your sleeping/feeding arrangements :) honestly, it will free you up no end.
Just say something vague and dismissively cheery.
FWIW, DD was stuck to our bed at that age, but had gotten sick of us by 7mo. Hasn't been in with us since!

PoppyWearer · 31/05/2013 23:04

My DC2 never took to his cot....slept there a handful of times at most. I sold it.

Co-sleeping feels natural to me .

NaturalBaby · 31/05/2013 23:07

I used a bedside cot but sometimes being right next to my baby wasn't enough and he'd end up in my armpit. There were good nights and bad nights and I did end up doing sleep training at 7months because my life revolved around his sleep and I was going insane.
Read this to put things into perspective then decide with your DH what you want to do. You and your DH, nobody else's opinion really matters unless they are living and sleeping with you!

Jakeyblueblue · 31/05/2013 23:37

Don't. Remind yourself of this.
[http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2054393/Bad-news-dads-Babies-share-mothers-bed-age-good-hearts.html]
Most natural state to sleep. No other mammal places their young away from them overnight.
You have to do what's right for you and also whatever you need to do to survive those first months of gruelling bf!
I've co slept with ds since first few weeks and still do so now at 23 months. Wouldn't have it any other way and won't even bother with a cot with subsequent babies.

Jakeyblueblue · 31/05/2013 23:38

Sorry link again www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2054393/Bad-news-dads-Babies-share-mothers-bed-age-good-hearts.html.

seeker · 31/05/2013 23:42

You don't have to go to bed at 6.30. Go to bed with him, and then when he goes to sleep get up again!

quertas · 31/05/2013 23:48

No, you've made a rod for your own back now! When she goes to college she'll still be sleeping with you and you'll have to go on her honeymoon lol. Sure she'll sleep and settle in a cot when you're both ready! 4 months is nothing. One idea that might give you a bit of free time of an evening is to get a bumper rail for the exposed side (s) of your bed, get in with her, pretend to go to sleep and when she's conked out sneak out the door and downstairs for a well deserved . My DD wanted to feed to sleep all the time when she was 4 months but by the time she was 12 months she preferred it if i fed her and then left her for a few minutes of quiet time by herself before she drifted off. Of course now at 3 years this has evolved into the best part of a hour of excited chunterring to dolls and teddies but that's a whole other thing

seeker · 01/06/2013 00:24

We bed shared and the children were ready to move on long before we were!

Mind you, ds is in bed with his dad tonight because he's poorly. He's 12.......

JiltedJohnsJulie · 01/06/2013 09:30

I didn't plan to co-sleep but for us it was the only way we could get any sleep. If you follow the guidelines it is perfectly safe too.

Its an interesting subject. If you ask people about co sleeping, they usually react like its the work of the devil, but if you ask them if they bring their baby into bed for some of the night, or when the baby is ill or unsettled, most will answer yes!

Both I'd mine were exactly the same and both got moved into there own rooms when they decided they wanted to play with mummy instead of sleeping.

I didn't go to bed so early though. Just kept them up with me so I could see DH for a bit.

You should be fine with a night out too, maybe try for a couple of hours? If she is a bottle refuser have you tried some of the alternatives? Could you go to a friends house or a meal with DH and just take her with you?

LeBFG · 01/06/2013 10:13

My very high-needs DS moved out of the marital bed at about 4 months. I thought he would never leave (but DH refused to sleep with us as DS was a very noisy sleeper) but ultimately slept better for having his own bed. I think it's a myth that babies who co-sleep will do so till they're 20. I have a DD now and she sleeps in a side cot because they are safer. But as Jilted says most people co-sleep at some point sometimes.

I've often wondered what motivates people to be judgy over other peoples' parenting choices. I think it's because they didn't do it your way and by you not doing their way there is an implicit suggestion that you think 'their' way was bad (am I making sense?). They take it as criticism of their parenting and so they react with claws out. These people are worse when they feel they have failed somehow in their parenting. At least, this is something I've observed.

robynamy1 · 01/06/2013 16:37

My daughter who is now 2 has slept with me most nights since the day she was born. Partly because she had colic. I also had a cesearean which became infected and i found it difficult climbing in and out of bed at first during the nights. I found the nights that she slept in her own bedroom as she became older i was checking on her through the night because she hardly moved. Probably because she was comfier. I put her to bed in her own bedroom and sit with her until shes asleep (she wont normally go to sleep on her own) i will then go down for a while and go to bed when I'm tired or finished chores for the day. Sometimes she will sleep through the night but more often than not she is in my bed by 2am. I have tried the controlled crying but my partner thought it was cruel so we just let her come in with us . I hope that within the next few months she will be sleeping through the night in her own bed. She has never been a good sleeper xx

looseleaf · 01/06/2013 17:00

I'm very pro co-sleeping when done correctly and think there are huge advantages for the child. I have never read a book about the advantages but heard of m.primelocation.com/for-sale/details/29015801?search_identifier=8adfad21ee6a66144c027f5eb846cf8c if you did by any chance want to reassure yourself. But I hope you find the right choice that works for you!

looseleaf · 01/06/2013 17:01

Bother wrong link!! www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0747565759/ref=redir_mdp_mobile
Sorry!

Original poster

Cupcakemummy85 · 01/06/2013 21:02

Wow what a wonderful response. Thank you so much to everyone who has replied.
I tried putting her in my bed feeding her to sleep, then sneaking out to go and have a glass of wine with my dinner (after dh and dd1 had it an hour and half before me lol). It didnt work :( she woke up ten mins later and screamed. I just managed to read dd1 a story have a cuddle eat some if my dinner and glug down my glass of wine before returning to a screaming baby.
I'm not sure whether just to except this is life for now going to bed at half six.
Or perhaps I should try and sleep her in the pram at the start of the evening.
I'm really desperate now. This child hates to sleep unless she has my nipple in her mouth! Lol

OP posts:

YoniBottsBumgina · 01/06/2013 21:06

Definitely get the book "Three In A Bed" - it explains how to co sleep safely, how to stop (when you and her are ready) and especially how to not worry about it!

Do you have to go up to bed at half 6 or will she sleep downstairs on your lap or in a bouncy chair or even being wheeled back and forth in her pram from 6.30? We did a combination of these things until DS started crawling and then he was older and more able to stay asleep once I sneaked out! :)

JiltedJohnsJulie · 01/06/2013 21:07

I just ate my dinner with her feeding downstairs, but I know that doesn't suit everyone. If DH was home he'd have her for a bit while I read to DS. Taking her out for a walk in the pram and letting her sleep in her pushchair in the hall seemed to work nicely and meant I could have a opulent of free hours with DH. Know this wouldn't suit everyone though.

Original poster

Cupcakemummy85 · 01/06/2013 21:15

The pram and bouncy chair might definitely be an option. I think all the hv mention routines and I just felt like I had to get her into the bath, bed type routine.
Tbh we r moving to Spain in July, she will b five months and I really want her to b settled by then.
After all the great advise on here I'm not bothered that she sleeps with me now, I just want my evenings back so I can enjoy a glass of vino on my balcony lol

OP posts:

JiltedJohnsJulie · 01/06/2013 21:30

Routines are favoured by a lot of baby gurus. Unfortunately neither of mine had read the books

Try Baby Calming by Caroline Deacon. It explains why they are behaving the way they do and helps you find a routine that suits you both

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