3 yo DD - end of tether

[emsyj]

DD1 has just turned 3. I also have DD2 who is 16 weeks. I am totally at a loss as to what to do with DD1 . This afternoon we have had to leave soft play as she was just hitting and pushing and then at one point elbowed another child (deliberately) in the face. The final straw was her grabbing her friend's hair and pulling it so hard she nearly fell over.

Since DD2 was born she is also having a major potty training regression. She was completely dry in the day (still in nappy at night) before, and now she is dry for everyone but me. When she's with me, she will deliberately do everything in her pants. I will ask her, 'I'm going for a wee, do you want one too?' and she will say 'No thank you' and then 30 seconds later she's wet. I don't know how to cope with this either - the only way I can keep her dry is to force her onto the toilet. Normally if we are going out, I can get her to go before we set off, but then she will refuse to go the rest of the time. Reminding her to ask me doesn't work, putting her onto the toilet every hour doesn't work etc etc - yet she is perfectly fine with anyone else looking after her, it's just me.

I am bf DD2 and she will no longer take a bottle so I cannot spend significant amounts of one on one time with DD1. DD2 is being largely ignored as DD1 is so demanding and I am not parenting either of them effectively, that much is clear. I am just a massive failure at this one and starting to feel as though I may as well be back at work - this maternity leave is nothing but slog and tears.

I wonder if professional help would be the best way and would be grateful for any recommendations as to the type/source of help available.

Poor you! Poor DD1, too - she's obviously taken her baby sister's arrival badly. I'd try to spend some one-on-one time with her when possible (when baby's asleep?), do something she'll enjoy and tell her that you've enjoyed it too. Try to have one of these little sessions with her every day, since it's you she has the problem with. Your partner/parents/inlaws might be drafted in occasionally, but I think you need to build some bridges with her.

Re the potty situation, I'd be tempted to put her back into pull-ups for the time being.

I really hope you get your loving little 3-year old back soon so that you can all start enjoying family life again.

We went through a phase of ds (age 3) hitting and pushing other children all the time. To the point that I was avoiding taking him to soft play and playgroup as I was constantly removing him from situations and telling him off. In contrast he was an angel in nursery!! He was also pooing in his overnight nappy through choice.

We've found a reward chart has worked wonders. I downloaded one from the supernanny website. He has a short list of goals to achieve and everytime he achieves one he gets a point - once he has ten he gets a reward - usually a small toy or a special outing. I remind him daily of his goals and in particular when we go out I emphasise the importance of being kind to others. Having a visual aid to remind him seems to have really helped. The Supernanny site suggested losing points if he did something wrong but I wasn't entirely convinced and have stuck with positive reinforcement although of course we explain that we are disappointed if he does not achieve the goals.

Sounds like the arrival of a new sibling has upset your little one, which I gather is very common. I only have one child so can't really advise but the suggestion of some 1:1 time sounds sensible. Also would it help to emphasis the "big sister" role and give her some tasks to help you looking after the baby eg getting things out for nappy changes etc

I would imagine the potty training regression is very common as a result of a new arrival and is best ignored as much as possible. Pull ups or nappies temporarily may make life easier though.

Hope things improve soon

Thank you for the replies. She is only like this with me - when she spends the day with DH, or her grandparents, or the childminder, she is perfectly well-behaved and dry.

DH and I are going to take the route of ignoring as much of the bad behaviour as we can and I am going to try and spend more time with her, which will be easier when DD2 starts weaning (in a few weeks' time). In the meantime we are going to try out DH wheeling DD2 around in the buggy on a Saturday whilst I take DD1 swimming or to the park. Hopefully it will turn around soon.