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All the advice you'll ever need as a new parent

25 replies

Kiwiinkits · 20/05/2013 03:20

Found this on a website, and it pretty much sums up all you need to know. So study it hard, new parents, study it hard Smile.

You shouldn?t sleep train at all, before a year, before 6 months, or before 4 months, but if you wait too late, your baby will never be able to sleep without you. College-aged children never need to be nursed, rocked, helped to sleep, so don?t worry about any bad habits. Nursing, rocking, singing, swaddling, etc to sleep are all bad habits and should be stopped immediately.

Naps should only be taken in the bed, never in a swing, car seat, stroller, or when worn. Letting them sleep in the car seat or swing will damage their skulls. If your baby has trouble falling asleep in the bed, put them in a swing, car seat, stroller, or wear them. Use the crib only for sleep and keep it free of distractions. If the baby is having trouble adjusting to the crib, have them play in it first. If the baby wakes up at night and wants to play, put fun toys in the crib to distract them.

Put the baby in a nursery, bed in your room, in your bed. Co-sleeping is the best way to get sleep, except that it can kill your baby, so never, ever do it. If your baby doesn't die, you will need to bed-share until college.

Keep the room warm, but not too warm. Swaddle the baby tightly, but not too tightly. Put them on their backs to sleep, but don't let them be on their backs too long or they will be developmentally delayed. Give them a pacifier to reduce SIDS. Be careful about pacifiers because they can cause nursing problems and stop your baby from sleeping soundly. If your baby sleeps too soundly, they?ll die of SIDS.

Don?t let your baby sleep too long, except when they?ve been napping too much, then you should wake them. Never wake a sleeping baby. Any baby problem can be solved by putting them to bed earlier, even if they are waking up too early. If your baby wakes up too early, put them to bed later or cut out a nap. Don?t let them nap after 5 p.m. Sleep begets sleep, so try to get your child to sleep as much as possible. Put the baby to bed awake but drowsy. Don't wake the baby if it fell asleep while nursing.

You should start a routine and keep track of everything. Don?t watch the clock. Put them on a schedule. Scheduling will make your life impossible because they will constantly be thrown off of it and you will become a prisoner in your home.

Using the "Cry It Out" method (CIO) will make them think they?ve been abandoned and will be eaten by a lion shortly. It also causes brain damage. Not getting enough sleep will cause behavior and mental problems, so be sure to put them to sleep by any means necessary, especially CIO, which is the most effective form. CIO is cruel beyond belief and the only thing that truly works because parents are a distraction.

Formula and solid foods will help the baby sleep longer. Solid foods shouldn?t be given at night because they might wake the baby. Don't stop the baby from nursing when asleep. Be wary of night feeds. If you respond too quickly with food or comfort, your baby is manipulating you. Babies can?t manipulate. Babies older than six months can manipulate.

Sleep when the baby sleeps. Clean when the baby cleans. Don?t worry. Stress causes your baby stress and a stressed baby won't sleep.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
LillyofWinchester · 20/05/2013 08:28

Excellent advice!

endoflevelbaddy · 20/05/2013 08:42

Grin This is bloody marvellous advice, why did I never think of trying everything until I found something that worked?

CreatureRetorts · 20/05/2013 08:43
Grin
MoonlightandRoses · 20/05/2013 14:22

Just adding to the chorus of Grin's

melonribena · 20/05/2013 20:40

Love it!

MiaSparrow · 20/05/2013 20:45

Sadly all too familiar! Love the clean when baby cleans tip.

Forgetfulmog · 20/05/2013 20:51

Oh so that's what I've been doing wrong all this time...

henrysmama2012 · 20/05/2013 22:38

Lol love it this had my laughing Grin

ThisIsMyNameChange · 21/05/2013 00:15

Brilliant!

Startail · 21/05/2013 00:26

My dear Grandfather had a favourite poem.

A barefooted girl with clogs on.
Stood, sitting in the rain.

AdoraBell · 30/05/2013 04:14

Now I see where I went wrong, Doh! Grin

Amy106 · 30/05/2013 05:00

But what happens when you get a non cleaning baby? Happened to me, you know! Smile

missnevermind · 30/05/2013 08:38

Sorry. Properly laughed at this bit Grin
Using the "Cry It Out" method (CIO) will make them think they?ve been abandoned and will be eaten by a lion shortly

shufflehopstep · 30/05/2013 11:49

Brilliant Grin

TheOrchardKeeper · 30/05/2013 11:55

Cheered me right up!

Thumbwitch · 30/05/2013 14:42

Fantastic - all off the same website, of course?! Grin

crazypaving · 30/05/2013 20:26

I knew it, I've been doing it all wrong. Damn.

Kyyria · 30/05/2013 20:59

Pahahahahaha!

BeepBeepBeep · 30/05/2013 22:29

Brilliant!

TheSkiingGardener · 31/05/2013 07:55

All so true!

UmBongo · 31/05/2013 22:34

That's my problem too Amy106, both mine are none cleaning babies. As a result my house is uncleaned.

ab00 · 31/05/2013 22:49

I wish I'd known you could get babies that clean, I'd have pre ordered that variety from the off!
If only they each came with their own little guide book.....
(Looks wistfully into the middle distance whilst hoping for a better night with ds2)

LalyRawr · 31/05/2013 22:51

I actually have a cleaning baby. She loves nothing more then getting her little sponge and cleaning cloth out and scrubbing the sides, the floor, the cat, the grass...

Clearly she does not inherit that from me Hmm

PacificDogwood · 03/06/2013 14:34

This so deserves a great big BUMP Grin!

Such a shame I will never have a baby again - having said that, I did/tried most of the advice given above... never had a cleaning baby though!

HopAndSplash · 18/06/2013 23:49

Hahaha hilarious! Grin

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