my 4 year old is lazy when it comes to using the tiolet and she has tantrums anyone else having tis proble?

[ash1986]

my 4 year old uses the toilet but when shes watching the tv or playing she wont use it even if i say come on use the toilet some times she will go but other times she make such a fuss about it she also has tantrums even in nursery she has calmed down but i am getting the teacher saying she can use the troilet and stay dry until she comes home and even dry then and she an do this for about a week then she slips so the school are getting concerned involving health visiters and a behavier nursery nurse im feeling like a bad mum anyone got any advice for me please feeling lost and confused doesnt help when the school nursery nurse health visiter are all saying different things:(

My daughter is exactly the same. She is a twin and her brother has been clean and dry since well before Christmas (day and night). They are 5 in August! Oddly she NEVER has night-time accidents.

She often says she wants to be like DS, that she will try really hard, that she won't do it again.... and then next time she's caught up in something will just look up and say, "I've done it...". It is BEYOND infuriating, to the point that we STILL have take a change of clothes out with us - even to the supermarket, "just in case".

I'm afraid, so far as the advice we have had is concerned, it's simply a case of continuing to MAKE her go every couple of hours (or whatever pattern you know your child has for needing to go), giving her plenty of drinks to ensure that when she gets there she does something you can praise her for. My daughter glows with praise so I'm trying this route rather than "punishing" when she has an accident (when this happens I just quietly take her to the bathroom, clean her up and change her, keeping conversation minimal. However, I do NOT get angry. I (try to) stay as neutral as possible, just quiet). This is partly because we've tried the punishment route and nothing changed and also because I'd rather she learned something by wanting to do it because it's a good thing than trying NOT to do it because it's a bad thing, if you see what I mean?

We will have tantrums (especially if I'm taking her away from doing something she wants to do!) but I am firm AND CALM (important). I keep my voice a steady tone - "you haven't been for a while and we don't want any accidents so come on, let's go quickly and then we can carry on...ing!". I brook no argument and will take her up by the hand if necessary.

She has definitely improved of late - I'd say maybe one/two accidents a week (and it was EVERY day at Christmas) so hopefully it's working for us.

Finally - and don't take this to mean I am dismissing the viewpoints of others because ANYTHING anyone can offer that might help is always worth listening to - but please realise that they (including myself in this) can only offer you advice based on experience. YOU know your own child better than anyone. If you think it's simply that she's developing this skill a little later than her peers then forget any pressure from "experts" and keep trying things that work FOR YOU for a little longer at least. Giving a child a complex about something is the best way to perpetuate the issue IMO.

It can be terribly frustrating and I do share and understand your feelings. But look at your daughter when she's doing something good and use that as a counterbalance in your head when you feel overwhelmed or frustrated with her. She will get there, hopefully soon. Someone said to me, "How many postmen do you see still in pullups?" - a strange thing to say but meant to indicate that we all DO get there - as with many other milestones in life but some get there sooner than others.

Best of luck x

wow thankyou hun just this bit of advice has really cheered me up feeling so lost all the time im a panicky person so i worry about my children all the time i take her to the toilet every 30 minutes it seems to be working and gradaully when she has got alot better i will take her every couple of hours sometimes she does alot of wee sometime she just does a dribble but there is an issue with her poohing she can do it on the toilet but other times she holds it in all day or half the day and does it in her dry night when i put her to bed did you go through this or know anyone who has? i wish poeple would talk to me like you just have instead of making me feel like a really bad mum cos she isnt completly dry yet :( xx

Sorry for the delay, I don't get on every day!

Oddly, my daughter just seems to NOT "do anything" overnight. I honestly can't remember the last time she did, though she's usually got a pretty big wee waiting when she gets up!! I still have to MAKE her go the toilet before we go downstairs (she will say she doesn't need to and start to kick off but I just take her there by the hand and she does a HUUUUGE wee!).

As for other people, I used to let them get to me - I went through a stage where i really felt like I was a failure - both of my twins were not toilet-trained when they started school last September (they were aged 4 and 3 weeks, August babies, the youngest in the class by far) and nearly every day I would be greeted by the teachers with a BRIGHT YELLOW bag with their wet/soiled clothes in right in the middle of the playground.

One day I just thought, "you know what? My children are healthy, they love each other and their family, they get on, they interact well with others, they're doing well at school... so flamin WHAT if they have a developmental delay with this?!". Just remember, all those other mums you see out there, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has an issue with their child - be it biting, not going to bed, toilet problems, refusing to eat anything other than Cheerios for every meal...

Don't judge yourself on others, most of those "perfect" mums are just as bogged down with things as we are, only they're adding to their own pressures by pretending everything's dandy. It is NOT a mother's job to be perfect, it's a mother's job to help their child until they are able to do things independently, whenever that ends up being.

You are doing the right thing, you are being consistent and you are also being braver than all the Ms Perfects out there by asking for help when you need it so that you can help your little one.

Your daughter is lucky to have you. Keep at it, we WILL get there!

x