Anyone been here? its so hopeless,My sons lashing out at nursery,again.

[BigBlockSingsong]

He is nearly 4,
last year he had a funny bout of aggressive behaviour at nursery, he turned a corner and was a well behaved happy child.
Recently its started again,
he's had a lot of change, he's also started not wanting to go which is a concern, its something new.
I try asking him why? whats going on, I either get ignored or subject change or gets distressed if I press the issue.
I'm no longer angry, upset, mortified, I have nothing left in me.
Day in , day out knowing another incident is happening knowing another chat will be happening, knowing the other parents will hate me/judge me.
I'm just so drained, I have nothing left to give, what am I even doing here my child doesn't even come to me.
Anyone been where I am?
I feel so helpless/hopeless.

How is he at home? What kind of changes have their been in his life? Is his language ok?

Sorry about the questions...I really feel for you. Are you ok?

sounds really hard, you sound really low, you've probably got a lot of other things going on. Have you talked to someone - HV, nursery, GP - about getting some support?

He's boisterous naughty at times , but doesn't hit or punch me or anything.
sharing toys can cause him to be difficult which I've noticed, but of course at home there isn't 23 kids snatching everything so it hard.
he's got a new DB 6 months old,
DF works outside home now,
toilet training ( not going well ) which is also draining,

its okay, not really no I'm just so drained waking up knowing everyday will be the same.

What do the nursery say? how are they going to help.

How are his language skills?

I've been here, several times, it is really really hard. Could it be that he is struggling to express his emotions? It might be worth getting a book on feelings and reading it with him and seeing what comes up. I bought a really good one recently on the Book People, for £2.99 - big book of feelings I think it is called.

I agree with whoever said upthread that you should put the onus back onto nursery to support him and keep him and other children safe while he is there.

Okay I would ask the nursery about the strategies they are using for his behaviour. Have they got advice from the LA (even private Nurseries can access the Early Years team)?
I would also go to see my GP and get a referral to a paediatrician, who can assess and advise.

I would also try: sticker chart where the aim is that you catch him doing 10 good things each day, and praise him for them however small; keep a diary of events, just an hourly record of smiles and sad faces can help keep track. Make sure he gets enough exercise and sleep. Record his diet and drinks, any patterns? (Orange Juice was an issue for my DS.)

Have sometime for yourself every day, if only a long cup of tea, or bath, or something. It is hard with 2, and at 6 months the little one will be doing stuff so annoying him.

His language is better but has a lisp and is sometimes difficult to understand.
He got assessed last year so they are ringing a LA/HV to help.

Just so awful, they keep asking me what he plays at home , and for some reason they had the idea he watched wrestling which ,e nor DP ever watch , so I'm a bit concerned, also on staff member told me he is is often provoked
which makes me worry, smacks of bullying a bit even if they are 3.

Hi op, 2 things, firstly; it's not the end of the world, it's probably just another phase he'll grow out of. My ds had 2 or 3 bouts of hitting at nursery. He's now a generally well behaved child now in y2 and very loving. I doubt the other parents hate or judge you, I just feel deep empathy for any parent getting a dreaded chat. Secondly, you sound really down, more down about it then is probably necessary and wondered if you felt that you might have noticed more low moods recently?

Yes...I'd be concerned if I thought my DC was being provoked....he sounds like he might be getting frustrated by the language difficulty.

Have you asked about speech therapy for him? Have the nursery staff suggested anything positive to be done in order to help him?

I would be really fighting for speech therapy, it is frustrating being 3/4; as you can't express yourself. It is even harder if you have a speech problem.
It does sound as if: a) you are taking on the blame for the incidents (which could be a sign of depression); b) the nursery have more idea of what is going on than they are telling you, it could be a more verbal child is taunting him subtlety and then he lashes out?

I agree with mummytime.....they need to be more positive in their approach to not only DS but you...and that includes coming up with strategies, positive suggestions and supporting you in getting some speech therapy for him.x Stop blaming yourself....l

Hi, it was talked about while back nothing had actually happened yet apparently he is quiet there , he's very chatty at home.

thanks for the replies,

They have asked a lady to come in and observe and talk to me about her coming so that is good on their part. One staff member who spoke to me was all ' I want you to know it isn't just him' the other is slightly more one sided.
My DS is a big lad for his age looks 5 easily, my fear is him get a negative label and other kids getting off scot free. I know from Experience (although I was never aggressive) teachers demonised all the taller kids.Maybe not intentionally but they are easier to see I suppose? but still not good.
I am very down atm, his toileting is not progressing and its getting me down.