Please help me improve my relationship with DS1(8)!

[howdoo]

I could do with some tips/advice on how to best handle DS1 as I don't feel I am doing a very good job sometimes!

DS1 is nearly 9, and is super bright (is in gifted programme in school). He can be lovely and kind, but also very sensitive - he is definitely a Highly Sensitive Child.

He basically feels that we favour DS2 and that no one listens to him. He does say that he knows we love him. However, it seems to be impossible to tell him anything - he always wants to be right (he says he "wants to be perfect", although I have explained to him that this isn't possible), he won't listen to anyone else, and he always has to have the last word. He looks for ways to be negative - yesterday DS2 stood on his foot (I was just behind them at the time), and DS1 insisted that it was done on purpose. He remembers everything, and uses it to argue that we treat DS2 better, and it is exhausting - again yesterday, DS1 had some sweets that he got from a party over the weekend, so I gave DS2 one from a bag of old sweets that they have received from parties over the months. DS1 insisted that that particular sweet was his, and that he had "wanted it for ages".

If I give him any punishment (we are doing 5 mins off bedtime for things at the moment), he will cry and or storm out. He doesn't seem to have any sense of perspective and he will claim that he is really scared when I tell him off. I have told him countless times that it is not a big deal and I am not cross, but he still massively overreacts to any discipline - I am beginning to think it is almost manipulative in a way? I will admit that I have shouted in the past, but am making real and generally successful efforts not to, as it clearly doesn't help any of us.

He is also a bit "off" in some of his responses - when I hug and kiss him goodnight at bedtime and tell him I love him, he will usually saying something like "erk!" and giggle. I have had to tell him that when someone hugs you etc, usually you hug back!

Sorry for long post, but does anyone have any ideas? Is this normal 8 year old behaviour? Am I expecting too much from him?

How old is DS2?

He's 7 - only fifteen months between them, so there is quite a bit of rivalry.

I think that is the problem. It sounds fairly normal 8yr old stuff. It probably goes back to feelings of jealousy at you having another baby.
I have 20 months between and to start with it was much easier to treat them the same- bath together, same story etc. We found it was much better(although it took more time) to do separate bedtimes, separate stories etc and let the older ones have the privileges of being eldest.
Do they get treated like a pair or differently?

You are right, it is only recently we have realised that DS1 doesn't get any benefits from being the oldest - eg they have the same bedtime etc. I could easily give him an extra 10 minutes.

How to talk so kids listen and listen si kids talk is v good. Sympathise, sounds like one of mine.

I think that you will be amazed at the difference it makes!
You need to have a little talk first - to both. Say that now they are older, and can do more for themselves, you will do things a bit differently and DS 2 will get extra time at the end if the day BUT be is expected to behave in a sensible manner to merit it.
The 'last word' is exhausting. I think you need a broken record approach after he has had a certain time to air his views and say 'I understand your point but I am not discussing it further' and then don't get manipulated and drawn in- repeat at intervals.

As said- doing something with him in the extra 10 mins is a good idea.

Thanks for all the replies, will dig out my old copy of How to Talk and give it another read! I had also printed something off about love bombing a few weeks ago, but had not got round to reading it so will make sure I do that as well. At the moment I don't particularly feel like spending extra time with him TBH as it can be hard work but guess I will have to fake it til I make it! It is comforting that people think his behaviour is relatively typical as well.

I also think with a g&t child his intellect may be ahead of social and personal skills and it can be tempting to treat them as older than they are because they talk so well! He still needs the safety of rules and follow through of sanctions to make him feel deep down secure

Also, by the authors of how to talk.. Siblings without Rivalry is very good.