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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

6yr old won't say I love you

30 replies

Muminneedofzzz · 29/04/2013 19:50

I have got a DS who has just turned 6 and a DD who is nearly 3.

DD will say I love you/I love you too all day long, but we cannot get our son to say it back to us. He has always been like this and I was just wondering if anyone else has a child that won't say I love you too?

We have asked him of he loves us and he says yes and explained to him that it makes us sad that he doesn't say it back etc bit he still won't say it, he just mumbles and gets all silly upset if you try to force him. Occasionally he will come out with it randomly about once a month maybe but that's a maximum!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 29/04/2013 19:55

Maybe its because you are trying to force him to say it.

I think telling him it upsets you that he doesn't say it back was probably a mistake, he probably feels you only say it so that he has to, your saying it should be unconditional.

Ease up on him a bit, he will say it more when he doesn't feel so pressured into it.

newgirl · 29/04/2013 19:57

Surely it's up to him? It sounds a bit odd you expecting/asking this of him

Sheshelob · 29/04/2013 19:58

I think you may have identified the problem in your post.

he just mumbles and gets all silly when you try to force him

It might be that you are putting too much pressure on him.

Why is it so important to you? Surely he shows it in other ways. He is just different to your DD. Let him express it his own way.

DiscoDonkey · 29/04/2013 19:59

God leave the poor lad alone! He's 6 it's not his job to make you feel all warm and fuzzy.

bigTillyMint · 29/04/2013 20:00

Why would you want to force anyone into saying I love you? It should be their decision surely, 6 or 60

seeker · 29/04/2013 20:01

Why should he? Love isn't conditional! You love him- keep telling him you do- but don't expect anything back.

Pozzled · 29/04/2013 20:02

Yes, don't put pressure on. Just continue to show/tell him that you love him, and let him show you in his own way. How would you feel if a partner kept asking you to say it more?

whattodoo · 29/04/2013 20:05

Why do you need him to say he loves you?
Surely you know that he does?
Don't force him, stop making an issue of it.
You've backed him into a corner and he's struggling to understand and comply with your wishes.

NotTreadingGrapes · 29/04/2013 20:07

You sound like Aunt Petunia with Dudders Dursley.

Leave the poor child alone!

Moominsarehippos · 29/04/2013 20:07

I get mumbly and silly if someone says 'l love you...' Pause... Or if someone says something like 'of course, maybe you don't like me really...' Pause.

It's the emphasis on saying it (i love you, or i do like you...) back that is just so pressurised! I always say that these things should be spontaneous and genuine, not as if you have to say it.

I'm probably just very odd and silly though.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 29/04/2013 20:08

My 8 year old DD won't either! She's fine though...it's just not her thang! SHe's not very demonstrative either but I know she loves me...I tell her all the time.

I don't need to hear it back...it would be nice yes..but she's not comfy with it so that's fine.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 29/04/2013 20:13

My ds gets shy when spotlighted like this.

But he shows me he loves me all the time and that my showing him love is deeply important.

Gve him space to express his love in the way he finds it best

colditz · 29/04/2013 20:15

Don't tell him you feel sad if he won't say "I love you" like a good puppet. It's a bit emotional blackmaily, and it certainly won't make him love you if he doesn't already.

Notmadeofrib · 29/04/2013 20:16

My mother has never said it to me, but I could not feel more loved. I think you're being a bit weird!

"Don't tell me show me" is what I live by

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 29/04/2013 20:20

I have found this a very interesting book, looking at the way different people express love and receive differently. It helps to explain quite a lot in all our relationships, I think:

five languages of love

Original poster

Muminneedofzzz · 30/04/2013 21:06

Wow. I've heard many stories over the years about mumsnet and people being horrible on it, but thankfully never experienced it until now.

I mistakenly thought people posted on here for advice, help and friendly opinions as I have many times to help people with things like breastfeeding issues etc.

So thank you to the people with advice, thoughts and their own polite opinions (whether the same as mine or not which doesn't matter) and I hope the people who were just rude and unhelpful feel better about themselves after their post and teach better manners and thought for others to their children.

Won't be back on mumsnet again.

OP posts:

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 30/04/2013 21:10

Bye then.

NotTreadingGrapes · 30/04/2013 21:12

Blimeyheck, you want to read some of the bashings on relationships and AIBU if you think people on here were horrible to you.

If, however, you have stopped harassing your poor child, then our work has not been in vain.

Notmadeofrib · 30/04/2013 21:15

Yep, weird.

BasilBabyEater · 30/04/2013 21:23

What advice did you expect here? Seriously? Did you expect people to tell you that harassing a child to say "I love you" is normal, desirable parenting behaviour?

Because it's not you know. It's needy and peculiar - not normal at all. Please stop doing it, it's upsetting you and probably freaking your kid out.

Chubfuddler · 30/04/2013 21:28

What everyone else said.

PLEASE tell me you aren't this passive aggressive with your six year old, because he will be seriously messed up by 10 if you are. It's not his job to love you. It's yours to love him.

lottieandmia · 30/04/2013 21:34

oh OP, please leave him alone. Some people are not comfortable saying this, it does not mean he doesn't love you. What a shame - he is only 6 and you are pressuring him to show his love for you.

Children are all very different indeed. I have a 9 year old dd who is much less huggy than her 4 year old sister who is always saying I love you - it's because they have different personalities not because one doesn't love me. And I certainly wouldn't press her to say it.

Not to mention the fact that, and I know this is hard to hear - your child has no obligation to love you at all. Unconditional parenting is about you loving your child but you can't necessarily expect the same from them. Although I'm sure he does love you!

ilovepowerhoop · 30/04/2013 21:41

no-one was actually rude to you - in fact they were quite polite compared to some of the pastings I've seen on here! I agree with not forcing him to say he loves you as I am sure he does and can show you rather than saying the words out loud.

Pozzled · 30/04/2013 21:55

Just re-read the thread, and I still can't see what you're referring to. The only post which seems rude to me is the Dursley reference, which, while not exactly pleasant, could be a lot worse!

Nearly all the posts here seem to have been made out of a desire to help. Shame you can't see that.

Confuseddd · 30/04/2013 22:03

Touched a nerve there I see!

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