He knows what to do but won't do it!

[mckenzie]

We tried to toilet train our DS (who is 2 and a half) over the christmas holidays but unfortunately we weren't very successful. We have been trying since then to just get him used to sitting on the toilet or the potty and occaisionally he does a wee (never a poo) and we make a huge thing of it but I really do belvie that he's now cottoned on to the fact that we wnat him to do this and he is the one in control and so he wont do it. 90% of the time, when we mention the toilet/wee/poo he just goes all deaf on us and talks about somehting else. Even if I tell him that I'll buy him Diesel 10 when he does a poo on the toilet brings no response and he is crazy about Diesel and talks about him all the time.

What's the next step guys? Shall we go cold turkey again and put the pants back on and have a week at home with lots of accidents or shall we put the toilet seats/potties away for a while I try again later.

I think I'm extra frustrated because I'm sure he can do it fine but is just showing me who's boss. When we were at a mainline London Train station the other day and I asked him if he'd like to do a wee on the Station Masters toilet he couldn't get on quick enough and was really chuffed to have used the Station masters toilet (and a adult toilet seat even).

What shall I do? Please advise. (MIL wants to smack him when he does anything in his nappy but we've told her we dont think we need to go that route just yet!!!)

Hi mckenzie, I think I've joined you on a potty training thread before! I know what you mean about knowing that he knows what to do, my dd was just the same. I think she also liked being in a position where I desperately wanted her to do something and she had all the power to say no and did! Having now made progress with her I feel that I just had to wait until she was ready. Before, when she was adamant about not doing it, I tried to shut up about it completely and leave it, then try again a week or so later, but it didn't help. One day she just decided to do it (think I got v excited about it on here...) and we haven't looked back. If it's becoming a big deal it might be best to step back. You could keep offering the potty regularly (morning/bath time etc) but just as a choice and don't be bothered if he doesn't. If the game stops getting a rise out of you he might stop playing and get on with it. Doing this feels a bit like treading water, but is less discouraging than giving up altogether.

Sorry, a bit waffly, but HTH!

you are bringing back memories for me here Mckenzie, I have a photo of ds on potty at 2 1/2 (he was a July baby) and he looked half asleep..we had exactly the same trouble believe me...it even got to the point where at 3 years old he was still wearing nappies and his little friends were out of them I felt useless. He just WOULD NOT sit on the potty for more than the odd time, and ended up pooing on the carpet for about 6 months.

I did get really frustrated and can't remember how he did it in the end I think I just gave up on him so to speak and thought that if he wanted to wear nappies at school it was up to him...and one day he seemed to click literally..a while after that he wet his bed at 5/6 years old we had the odd accident, but they say that boys are lazier than girls (dumping underpants and sweaty socks in corner in room)..so the only thing I can suggest is to try and not let it worry you..if you can at all...THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT THEY ARE ALL INDIVIDUALS...your mil has a bit of a dinosaur approach, maybe they did that in her era but I don't think it's right..good luck

hey - are you me ?

I also have a 2.5 year old boy - had set aside 2 weeks over Christmas to crack potty training. After 3 days with him sitting on the potty or toilet for about 8 hours in total, with us reading to him, or leaving him to it, bribing with chocolate, we had one wee in the potty ! He was really keen, and knows he is supposed to wee and poo there - but he just couldn't figure out how. He even told us he had sometimes when he hadn't (he was desparate to get the chocolate ). By the 3rd day he was getting hysterical if we suggested the potty.

I couldn't figure out if he was delibeately not doing. Now I think he justs hasn't figured out how it should feel yet - so we have to be patient. I hope we haven't scared him off though.

If you're really convinced he's manipulating you put the pants away for a few weeks and don't even mention potties. A few well-placed comments about babies wear nappies and babies can't do/eat/play with whatever could then be introduced to spark an interest in him ditching the nappies.

Your MIL's oh, so unhelpful suggestion reminded me of the summer I was pregnant with DD. The granny was staying with her daughter and grandson next door and all summer the air resounded with slaps, screams and threats to "scrape yer bum" in a sort of female Rab C.Nesbitt manner as they tried to train the little boy. It was horrible and i got to the pint where i couldn't look them in the face as I was so incensed

Potty training is so hard an MIL/Parents always seem to make it worse IMHO. Our eldest took forever, mearly a year and she defineatly used it as a control thing. I only got cross a couple of times once I knew she was perfectly capable of being dry, and she had done a wee in he knickers quite deliberately. I put her outside in the garden with wet knickers for about 5 - 10 mins, she could see us through the french windows and she screamed like h**l, but never did it again

I think it was my first attempt in potty training that led to my ds1 (at 2.8) developing a stutter. This lasted a couple of months and was very distressing (for us more than him). But when we tried the potty training again at 2.11 he took to it straight away. Basically what I'm saying is don't force the issue if they aren't happy. It will make you and your ds unhappy. Ds1 was also in night nappies till he was nearly 5, and we still have the odd accident now he is 5 and a half.
My ds2 is now 2yrs 7 months but i think he will be easier as he is deperate to wear "big boy" pants like his brother and is happy to do the occasional wee on the toilet. Am planning to train in a month or so.
Dreading it !

I left my DS til he was almost 3, it was summer and running round in pants was ok, we never had a potty just a step, child seat on the loo. Every time I went for a wee or poo, he noticed I got a sweety after each go...
Fluke or not he trained within a week and was dry at night within the month, no problems ever since!

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secur, i thought that too. But my cousin who is a speech therapist came to see him at the time (panicky parents !) and she thought it could have been down to the potty training. And to be honest there was nothing else at the time going on that could have affected him.
I'm much more laid back with ds2 in most things so hopefully this time it'll be a breeze

I have been struggling with ds for ages to get him to use the loo. He is 3 yrs 4 months. For months now I have been convinced that he could do it but wouldn't for some reason.

I have had a marvellously successful couple of days with him, no accidents at all. I ask him frequently if he needs to go, and praise him and give him a sweet if he does.

I thought he was slipping into his lazy ways this morning, I asked if he needed the loo, cos he hadn't been for ages. He said no. I said, not even for a sweet? Still no. I said well I'm having a sweet. He said, you can't have a sweet, cos you didn't do a wee. I said, well I'm going to do a wee now. I walked away, waited around in the loo for a minute then flushed it, and walked out towards where I keep sweets. He nearly trampled me in his rush to get to the loo.

I think it was the fact that I was going to have a sweet and he wasn't that got to him far more than just the question of whether or not he would have a sweet!

I only hope I can continue to outfox him like this. This toilet training does my head in.

Mmm - well, DH has vetoed use of sweeties as a bribe, as it doesn't fit with his principles. Admittedly never ever giving DS (2yrs 2mths) sweeties makes life easier in supermarkets as he never asks for them (grapes and apples is another matter) - although he now knows where the biscuit stash is so maybe I can bribe him with a Rich tea?

DS will go on potty for nanny but not for us - so a bit frustrating. I think he knows when to wee - up until I tried to train him, he would go on the potty before his bath and always performed - now he saves it up for the bath!!! Only had one accident on Friday with the nanny, but was completely disinterested with me. I think I am going to wait until he asks for big boy pants spontaneously.

thanks everyone for all the replies. We've been in pull ups for week or so now and trying to get DS to sit on the toilet as much as possible even if he doesn't do anyhting and yesterday he did a wee on his friends toilet and we gavce him lots of praise.
He tried to do a wee 'like daddy' last night but told me 'I cant do it' which might have meant that he just didn't need to go so I gave hime lots of praise for that one too. This morning DH was home and so he made a big thing of doing a wee and DS did try and join in and we were standing by/sitting on 'daddy's toilet' for about 20 minutes befroe he eventually walked away and literally 2 seconds later weed all over the bathroom floor.
I've kept him in pants and tracksuit bottoms today and although he has stood in fromt of the toilet and sat on the toilet, he's done all 3 wees in his pants.

He then tells me to change his nappy which is a bit worrying - I thoguht he understood that he had pants on instead of a nappy. Maybe not?

Anyway, from reading all your comments (and I'm grateful tio you all for taking the time to post) I shall continue with pants for a few more days but I shall be much much more relaxed about getting him to sit on the toilet. If he does, he does. And if he wees his pants then so be it. I've got plenty of pairs. I like the idea with the mummy having a sweet after doing a wee but like some other children, mine isn't a big sweet fan. Now if mummy was given a new train every time, that might work but I cant afford that (I wee about 20 times a day and anyway, I dont like trains!) I'll try and think of something that mihgt work with DH abd bit make me too fat.

okay guys, here's my update and my new problem!!!
Thursday we satyed at home and played in the garden etc in the snow and DS did all his wees in his pants (and one poo), nothing on the toilet at all althoguh we went there quite a bit and he sat on it occasionally. I kept my cool though completely.

Today, he did a poo on the toilet after breakfast, and then we went out (still in pants). He did a wee on the toilet at the end of our arts/music group, he did a wee and a poo in the toilet at Pizza Hut after lunch and he did anohter wee on the toilet in the supermarket this afternoon. Fantastic huh? I praised him well but didn't go overboard as recommended by a mumsnetter the other day.

Since we've been back home though he's done a poo and 2 wees in his pants and then cried for me to 'change his nappy'.

Any tips on how to resolve this? This mornings poo was in his bathroom upstairs but this afternoon I offered him the toilet downstairs (which is decorated with Thomas stickers especially for DS).

At his age and given how he'd been doing over the last couple of weeks I'd say he's done really well! I think its clear he's not going to be one of those children who get it sorted in a week so you need to just focus on the positive and ignore any accidents. He'll eventually get there - they mostly all do sooner or later!!

I do think in hindsight that i panicced too early as after my posting at 5pmish we went on to have anohter 3 wees in the toilet and no more accidents so all in all I agree with you, I think he's done a fantastic job today. I was just concerned that perhaps he'd come to associate our downstairs toilet with me putting pressure on him to do a wee and that he would never want to wee in that room again.
Also, for any mums of boys out there, do I keep putting his willy down myself of do I try and get him to hold it down? The most messed we've made today between us was when DS did a fantastic wee in his toilet here at home but in our excitement, between us we couldn't push his willy down quick enough and it went all over the floor, the skirting board, a book, my slippers etc!
ANy tips gratefully received. I've tried getting him to stand up 'like daddy' and although he does do that at 'daddy's toilet' he's never actually weed like it yet. And if he does stand up, what happens if he wees and poos at the same time? Better that he sits me thinks!

ps. Dh is really worried as he has DS to himself all tomorrow morning and he's really worried that it'll all go pairshaped for him!