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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Another child bit my child

145 replies

bordellosboheme · 22/04/2013 11:48

Hard on the finger. It has swollen up and is purple. My ds is 17 months and the offender is 6 months older and is a serial offender... Ds is such a gentle soul. I feel pissed off.... Talk to me please and help me feel better......

OP posts:

hazeyjane · 23/04/2013 06:23

Weeeellll, surely if you believe in the continuum concept, you wouldn't be going on such 'child centric' things as a 'play date', after all isn't your attention supposed to be focused on your adult life?

The thing is about the continuum concept, is that you may well follow Jean Liedloff's ideas to the letter, but unless you are living in the South American jungle, you are going to come across children brought up with our damaging Western ways! The thing is a lot of children do go through a biting/hitting phase, so you will have to find away to deal with it.

You talk about the child having 'issues', well you know maybe she does, your child will also have to mix with children with 'issues, and special needs and all sorts of challenges in their lives (that don't seem to exist in the world of the continuum concept - although I have no idea why).

The way you talk about this child is extremely unpleasant, whether she is just going through a biting phase, or does have 'issues'.

CreatureRetorts · 23/04/2013 06:45

I would be pissed off if my child was bitten. I have a 17 month old.

However I also have a 3.6 year old and know that's what they do sometimes. My older one was a hitter. I had to hover and constantly monitor.
I also stick quite closely to my youngest - she's small for her age and has had a broken leg due to another kid falling on her.
So yes, I understand you're feeling angry but perhaps keep a closer eye on your child. You can't expect young ones to "know" what they should and shouldn't do.

DaemonPantalaemon · 23/04/2013 06:46

What a nasty post. I see the OP has not withdrawn her dog comment, so what, this toddler should be shot?

exoticfruits · 23/04/2013 07:08

I think that you are going to get rather a shock, bordello, as your DC grows up. You haven't hit the 'terrible twos' yet , when your DC realises that they have a will of their own and exercises it.
In 6 months time you will realise that your own DC is still very much a baby at 23 months and doesn't reason out every action.

Original poster

bordellosboheme · 23/04/2013 07:10

Putting words into my mouth daemon

OP posts:

DaemonPantalaemon · 23/04/2013 08:50

You said:

If a dog had bit a child like that, you know what people would be saying

So no words in your mouth there. You just compared a toddler's bite to a dog bite. By implication, you are saying this toddler should be dealt with as a dog would be dealt with.

Or do you mean something else?

duchesse · 23/04/2013 08:54

Most children bite at some point.

FWIW 2 of my friend's children sometimes still bite and they are in reception. Their siblings are beautifully behaved- these two just have communication difficulties and express frustration in this way. It is not ideal but life very rarely is.

I can totally understand why you'd be annoyed and upset OP, but it does not make the other child a crocodile or a mad dog. She will grow out of it.

Original poster

bordellosboheme · 23/04/2013 09:12

Daemon, who shots dogs?

OP posts:

cory · 23/04/2013 09:23

RE the continuum studies: the woman made 4 or 5 expeditions, totalling c. 2 years, to this tribe. In other words, she was still in the honeymoon stage.

When I had made my first 5 trips to the UK I was also convinced that I had found a society that had the answers to all the woes of my own culture.

My db (bless him!) who has never gone beyond that stage is still convinced that the UK is the country of sensible attitudes towards alcohol, a laidback attitude towards health and safety and a lack of a sense of entitlement. If you try to point out his errors, he will tell you that he has never seen any binge drinking here and that he sees plenty in his own country.

Someone who has lived a short time in Sweden said to me some time ago that they had never seen a whiny child there and that whining children were a product of UK culture. I made a mental note never to introduce her to my nephew.

MaryPoppinsBag · 23/04/2013 09:35

OP it is upsetting when a child bites yours.

But it is a natural instinct for a child to bite when they are threatened by another child coming onto their patch (so to speak) or if that child has something of theirs.

It isn't a nice thing but it is something that happens when we socialise children of this age.

It can become a behaviour if the child realises that they get a reaction from it. It is how we as adults react to and manage it that is important.

I had a really placid and compliant first born (lucky me!) who behaved impeccably, never hit bit or had a tantrum. So expectations for DS2 were high. I have come crashing down off the best parent in the world podium big style!
He is just not the same and has major meltdowns if things don't happen the way he expects them to. He has bitten his brother once. And I consider myself lucky that was the extent of the biting phase. However, if I'd set up my childminding business when he was younger things might have been different as he reacted to other kids on his patch.
He did actually punch one of my mindees in the stomach in the first few months of me doing it. (Dealt with by me obviously). Luckily now they are great mates (DS and mindee were both 3 at the time)

No body on here is saying that it is OK that your DC was bitten. They are saying that it does happen, telling why it might happen and that your DC may do it in the future.

Personally I think you are expecting too much from a 23 month old. They are still babies. And whilst some may seem very grown up at this age they aren't they are probably just very compliant by nature like DS1.

NotTreadingGrapes · 23/04/2013 09:38

Didn't know they did playdates in the jungle.

(yes OP, I have the CC as well)

(but if I'm going to be huggy and attachmenty I prefer Deborah Jackson who is a bit less bonkers intense)

DaemonPantalaemon · 23/04/2013 10:17

So now that I have called you out on your own comment, and quoted you after you said I put words in your mouth, you want to pick holes?

What a little ray of sunshine you must be in real life!

But do please explain. As you believe that toddlers who bite are like dogs, what exactly should be done with them?

EldritchCleavage · 23/04/2013 11:05

the way we bring up kids in the west, have you read the continuum concept.....? She reckons kids don't have tantrums or fall out in more 'natural societies' like the tribe she studied

Ha ha ha ha. What on earth does 'natural' mean in the context of human society? How do we define it and who gets to define it?

See, now I think you're just being what is known on MN as a 'goadyfucker'.

gonedeafinoneear · 23/04/2013 11:10

Hello again OP. Just FYI my 17 mo DS2 bit ME yesterday - he wanted to get off the changing mat and play, so he bit me on the shoulder as I was pulling up his trousers.(Had a certain irony which made me given that I've been on this thread!) I obviously let him know that it wasn't on!

DD was bitten on the finger at nursery when they were all three. She had put her finger in /on the biters mouth. Just wondering if your DS put his finger in her mouth? DS 2 puts his fingers in peoples mouths out of curiosity quite a lot. Could this be what happened? In which case it's not ideal but it may be a possible explanation. Anyway, just a thought.

duchesse · 23/04/2013 11:26

My DD1 spent a while in a traditional Amazonian community last summer. She has pictures of 2 year olds playing with machetes. I wonder how many of those kids make it to adulthood unscathed, or at all...

Kewcumber · 23/04/2013 11:58

and he may have an illustrious career ahead of him as a premier division footballer.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen · 23/04/2013 12:20

DaemonPantalaemon Tue 23-Apr-13 06:46:46
What a nasty post. I see the OP has not withdrawn her dog comment, so what, this toddler should be shot?

No Ma, he's mah chillen, I'll do it meself. :( *Reaches for shotgun.

On a serious note, my DTD is already a 'gummer,' she can't bloody wait to bite! I dread it.
Guess she gets it from me, my DBro has a lovely scar from being bitten hard when I was a kid.

Original poster

bordellosboheme · 23/04/2013 14:51

Good point about field trips for cc being short and perhaps not representing things properly..... As a researcher myself, can totally see how Jl may have been wearing rose tinted specs...

I went to give Welles back to the biters dad today ( we forgot to take them off in the confusion). I expected him to be all apologetic and ask how ds was. Instead he talked about how poorly his dd was, how she'd been sleeping all day and had a sickness bug. Very little concern about the bite. I was it said a lot to me.

For those who think I shouldn't have bothered going to the nurse. The biters (sorry dont know what else to call her) mum herself went to the docs after her own daughter inflicted a bad nipple injury on her (not just a nip which all babies do). You're gonna tell me that nipples are more sensitive than toddler fingers now aren't you)......

OP posts:

Original poster

bordellosboheme · 23/04/2013 15:00

Gone deaf in one ear, that is ironic ....

I think there were no fingers in mouths involved... They were trying to play ball together iirc....

OP posts:

Original poster

bordellosboheme · 23/04/2013 15:02

Daemon my point is I can't stand permissive parenting when f all is done whilst little johnny goes around terrorising other kids, yet those same permissive parents would scream blue murder if an old collie got pissed off with johnny and nipped him....

Is that clear enough for you?

OP posts:

duchesse · 23/04/2013 15:18

My friends with the biters are far from permissive! Doesn't stop their kids biting. Think you have a rose-tinted view of children's behaviour frankly. They all have their moments. Never had a biter myself but I understand how embarrassing it is if your kid is the one at playgroup all other mothers talk about behind your back.

The child involved in 23 months old- a baby. She will almost certainly not be biting in a year's time.

Original poster

bordellosboheme · 23/04/2013 15:21

Anyway, thank you for those giving genuine advice, personal stories and support, which i appreciate. You know who you are. I particularly like the advice about ignoring a biter and fussing a bitee.....

I even don't mind those telling me to put it in perspective and it could be the other way around.... Etc, I'm not above reassessing my ideas. I reserve the right to feel as I do about the incident, which is not particularly happy.

I don't like the glorification or normalisation of biting tho 'one poster said 'respect' to another who as a kid had made another dc bleed. not cool.

For the bandwagon jumpers who have just come on to be hurtful and critical.... It says a lot about you..

As always a real mixed bag of responses.

Anyway, so it's a lovely sunny day Logging off and going outside......

Thanks guys

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 23/04/2013 16:06

That was me.

I'm definitely not cool.

Original poster

bordellosboheme · 23/04/2013 16:10

Kewcomber, I'm not cool either

OP posts:

MadameSin · 24/04/2013 16:39

Bordell your OP says even more about you .. now I'm off to sit in the garden avec

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