5 yo (almost 6) doesn't listen, is always silly and is getting into trouble at school

[HelenMorgans]

My Son has always been a little 'daft' he likes to play the fool and adores the attention he gets from it. He has also always been a loving, kind and friendly child who everyone loves and wants to cuddle - he also always behaves well when we go out socially.
He has an older brother who is 7.5.
Myself and the boys dad broke up about 6 months ago and he moved out, we have a reasonable relationship, he stays for dinner sometimes etc and the boys, although finding it hard, have coped very well.
But, DS's behaviour at school is going from bad to worse, when he started in 2011 the reception teacher took us aside and told us that she didn't think he was ready for school - not mature enough were her words (at 4years and 2 months who is?), as he consistantly mucked about and never paid heed to her - he was disruptive to the class - we told her that, that is the way he is and if he doesn't get the discipline he needs in the school environment, then it was only going to be worse if we waited until the spring or summer terms.
As the year went on we saw him wrap her round his finger and she felt the need to have him constantly by her side - I don't think that this was wise.
Now in year 1 we are having the same problems, but much worse. His teacher is quite strict and takes a no-nonsense approach (which DS needs), but it's to no avail, he's become so 'silly' that he now sits at a table on his own and has his own behaviour chart at school. They have a traffic light system at school and DS never goes a week without being on amber or red at least 3 days a week.
We have a chart at home too which reflects the traffic lights, but also praises the good behaviour at home.
The biggest problem is that reward nor punishment work on him, if he doesn't get his reward (a new book, or extra 'mummy time' or a day out etc), he's really not bothered and if you punish by taking away things (like TV, 'mummy time', toys etc) he's really not fussed about that either.
He' doesn't have many friends and watching him play with others I think that maybe he struggles to relate and communicate himself. (with me and hid dad and other family members and friends he's quite normal for his age on this front).
When you try to talk to him seriously (telling off or explaining something important) he always avoids eye contact and drifts off into 'SamWorld' (as we call it).
He's a very clever boy and has reasonably high targets at school, but due to his 'sillyness' he's going to be lucky to scrape by this year.
He's not very spacially aware and his balance is a little off, but it all adds to his wonderfully and cheeky character. He also struggles to hold a pencil correctly and this has lead to his writing skills suffering a little.
He can get very engrossed in things (work or sillyness) to the point where he's just doesn't even hear you SHOUTING his name.
I don't know what to do, school are very ready to point out that it has to stop as he will end up in a lot of trouble in later years (apparently when told off at school, he smiles and dances about - they think that he's being obnoxious).
Please note, this is not a 'naughty' child, just a silly, dancy, happy one.

Sorry to write such a huge post on my first thread x

Can't be much help sorry butvdidntvwantvyour first thread to go unanswered. Have spoken to his teacher?

Thanks JiltedJohsJuilie x
The main reason it's come to attention that his behaviour is so bad is because we had to speak to his teacher and the head about it at parents evening just before easter. When the children go into red, they have to see the head for a stern talking to and DS and the head are now very familiar with each other. We've discussed all sorts of tactics (banning TV is the newest one), I have suggested that he has his own responsibilty at school - he likes that sort of thing, being helpful and useful etc.

Sorry about the horrific typos, really must go to bed!

Think the responsibility thing is a good suggestion, what did the school say? Did they have any suggestions of their own? Did they suggestion talking to Senco?

If I stop posting, I'm asleep......

lol, my typing isn't great either x
The school think the resposibility is a good idea - I'm hoping that his teacher will have thought of somthing over the holidays.
No mention of senco - do they cover children who are good at all academics, but who have behavioural issues?

Have you had his hearing checked?

My ds has glue ear-same age as your ds. very similar to your ds. He can be silly, wriggly, generally bad behaviour etc., and he's pleased to get an award, but not to the point he thinks about it at the point of misbehaving, nor is he that bothered by missing out on anything.

I've been told by ENT that the behaviour can often go along with poor hearing. Not just they might not hear the instruction, or full instruction, but it takes much more energy to listen, so they tire easily, then they shut down to hearing. Also background noise is very wearing to him, and, if loud, can actually be painful. They adapt very well, so it isn't always obvious. Ds lip reads quite a bit which I didn't notice until it was pointed out to me.

I'd never totally believed ENT that the hearing was effecting his behaviour that badly. But this winter he had two burst ear drums and was very deaf for ages. About 2 weeks before Easter his hearing seemed to clear quite suddenly. When they broke up for the holidays his teacher called me aside and told me he'd been a different child for the last two weeks, really well behaved and eager to learn.

He is under SENCO, but because he has speech therepy and glue ear. He wouldn't be under SENCO for behaviour at present. The academic level shouldn't effect being under SENCO, it does in practice in that a child who is struggling academically is more likely to be noticed in having a problem, but in theory it is not meant to effect involvement.

Thanks DeWe - I'll mention it around and see what comes up, it could be a possibility (although it's never crossed my mind), thinking about it, he has a huge vocabulary, but his speech isn't always correct, even when you ask him to repeat things and sound them out slowly. He does have a tounge-tie, which I would have presumed affected his speech more. He does very well at phonics and his speech is improving with his knowledge of sounds, so that could point to his hearing I guess.
Will definatly get this looked into even if it only rules it out - thanks again x

Sorry can't really offer you much advice, but with regards to his pencil holding, it is definitely worth looking at the Stabilo pen website, because they sell brilliant pens and pencils with finger indents so that children can hold them correctly. They are not expensive and well worth it, and come in a right hand or left hand version. My DS is 6 and also in YR1 and his writing improved straightaway.

Just remembered Morrisons have just started selling them.

Thanks KeepCoolCalmAndCollected x
We've been to the occupational therapist with him and he's been recommended a grip, he gets on with it ok, but is better when he's just reminded to hold his pencil properly. He only had two assesments and they are happy that he is progressing fine.

Ds has a huge vocabulary, it's the pronunciation that's wrong. He's fine with phonics, and, as you said, the phonics are actually helping ds' pronunciation too.

Please note, this is not a 'naughty' child, just a silly, dancy, happy one.

Hmmm...so perhaps you could move abroad where they don't start proper school till 7. Sorry, not a serious suggestion, but I do think that some children don't fit into our UK model and possibly your son is one of them.

If all behaviour is a form of communication (read that somewhere and liked it) then his behaviour is certainly showing he is not happy/settled in doing what is asked of him. Does he get enough sleep? Does he do as he's told at home? What is your discipline style?

I would get eyes and ears and anything else you can checked by the experts to rule it out. My son is very long-sighted, we only found out in YR. He never played up at nursery, but was HORRENDOUS sometimes at home. I put it down to being 2/3/4 and probably a lot of it was, but actually it could also have been him tiring from over-compensating loads with his eyes in order to be able to see- we are talking lots and lots of lines on that chart he had no hope of seeing without glasses- it seems they can cope when young.

Have you ever been really hard on him re the behaviour and followed through- ie test if he actually can sort it out or can't help it. Sounds awful but maybe you are sort of like an alcoholic's helper if you are being too lax at the moment?

Hmmm, you have just described my son. I posted something very similar a while back and although a few people posted unhelpful things about how if my son was a pain why didn't I discipline him better (!??), a few words such as dyspraxia, ADD etc also came up. This made me realise it wasn't all just in my head or bad parenting and I went to the GP, who's made a referral to the paed team. Mine also poos in his pants, which may or may not be part of the same issue. Anyway, I don't know what will come of it, but I think it's helping that the school know I am concerned and serious and not a flake - I feel they are prepared to acknowledge he may need a bit more understanding instead of just seeing him as a problem.

Thanks for all your comments x
Got DS booked in with the doctor to get a hearing test, so we'll wait and see on that one.
Tonight we have the horror of all horrors! DS was naughty at school today and ended up in amber, this means he looses anything gained throughout the day on the chart at home - this doesn't bother him. He then continued to muck about all evening, playing with his dinner, not listening, not doing as he was told to the point where I threatened that he would loose mummy-time tonight. Cut a long story short - he continued misbehaving and is now 35 minutes into a huge tantrum as he lost mummy time tonight. kicking, screaming, throwing things - just like a toddler... Marvelous! Seems to be coming to the end of it now that I am completely ignoring him, I will have to go and get him to bed now as it's late and a tired DS is an even more 'silly' DS - and so it goes on...