Advice needed for toddler with constant temper tantrums please!

[charlieplus3]

Hi,
My friend has asked for advice with her 19 month DD who constantly throws tantrums which include banging her head on the floor, biting herself and others, also hitting other children.

She says she seems to be constantly telling her DD off and is looking for advice off people with similar experiences.

Please post here so i can then forward any advice on to her.

Thankyou

Have had this problem with my dd and sometimes still do. The best thing i can say is that as long as she's not really hurting herself or others then ignore her. If she is hurting someone else, then remove her from the situation and offer the victim lots of attention. My dd used to bite alot but soon stopped when she realised that it just got her sister alot of attention. She has never banged her head on the floor but my 13mth old ds does this all the time. I usually ignore him to aslong as he's not trying to knock himself out.
I know that this doesn't seem very helpful but thats what i did.

It sounds as if they might have got into a bit of a vicious circle. IMO and IME, 19 months is a bit young for a child to be told off, especially constantly, and it sounds as if she needs to take a deep breath, go back to square one and work out how each incident starts, and then work out a strategy to put a different pattern in place.

'No' acts as a boundary for toddlers, and their whole development seems to hinge on breaking and testing boundaries. Not in a 'naughty' way, but in a discovering way. Is the chair a boundary, or can it be moved, climbed on, hidden under. Is the speed of walking a boundary, or can they try running? Without 'pushing' every physical and emotional boundary, they could not make the huge developments thay make.

Starting every process in a way which gives the toddler a positive outcome helps avoid the confrontation and frustration which leads to tantrums. Making things into games, distraction instead of refusing, and above all praise for helping, achieving, almost ANYTHING, work better than a battle. Is there a particular example of something that develops into a tantrum so that the assorted wisdom of MN could come up with some specific suggestions for avoiding battles?

Saw a Tracy Hogg "Baby Whisperer" programme on a similar situation with boy of same age head- butting the floor or his cot. She advised the mum to redirect the tantrum onto a bean bag so she would physically remove him, let him take it out on the beanbag and then cuddle him only once he had calmed down. A few days later she could anticipate his tantrum and ask him if he wanted the beanbag or he would just go over to it instead.

hth

I agree with Blu. I believe very strongly that ignoring 'bad' behaviour and praising good (anything good, constantly) is the way to go. Can you give us any examples of triggers for tantrums? This child sounds extremely frustrated TBH. Constantly telling off a very young child is self-defeating I think. It usually makes things worse. A good way to start is to start noticing every single 'good' thing they do - well done for walking close to me on the pavement, I am very, very pleased with you. Thank you for picking up that book. I'm proud of you etc etc etc. It may sound OTT but it works for me.

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Ta nutcracker and Blu.
Anyone else, This is really helpful!

Ta also liz, alhoa and twiglet, this is good stuff. Its great to get everyones perspective

OTT praising is really working out for me. DS told me I was a 'good little lady' today, and thanked me for cuddling him! And when I succeeded in getting the lid off a box he wanted to look in, he said, "You DID it mummy! You did it! That's very good!" I am particularly amused by the patronising tone he uses, which, must be mine too.

thats good aloha, great for self esteem too. Ive been watching child of our time, can you tell?

I thought that last Child of Our Time episode was v. interesting in terms of self esteem and encouragement. I've always been a bit of a praise lavisher with my dd and (so far) haven't had any really dire behaviour from her though she's only 15 months and does the usual getting dressed protests etc. I agree with a lot of what's already been said. There's no point telling off a 19 month old, and I guess the telling off's been happening for a while? Christopher Green in Toddler Taming says there's 'not a bad bone in the body' of a child under 2.5 and that stuck with me, I mean they aren't capable of being 'deliberately naughty' yet. Maybe I'll eat my words at some point ...

Incidentally, does anyone think one can praise a child TOO much? I sometimes wonder if all my praise and attention is turning my dd into something of an attention seeking actress!!

Aloha snap. My DS is exactly like this. "hooray mummy did it, good girl mummy". And yes it comes complete with patonising tone. But I agree that it works.

Evita: Playing balloon catching with my DS, 2.5, this morning, and desparately trying to get in quality time before dashing off to work, I said 'well done' when he just missed catching it. Quick as a flash he said 'but I didn't catch it Mummy', so I don't know about too much praise, but I would say they have a sense of whether it is meant / of value or not.
Am I right in thinking that pure Montessori method puts restrictions on praise???

Ah Blu, but my little lad would never catch the balloon so I say lots of things like, "well done, you nearly caught it that time". If I had to wait for him to catch it, he'd never get praised! As for too much praise, I think it depends on the child. I think my ds is a very 'good' boy, though he certainly doesn't do everything I ask him to or go the direction I want him to. He's a gentle soul and if I raise my voice at him he totally panics and gets very upset. I think he really thrives on a lot of praise.

I also try to praise very specifically - ie 'Oh, you very nearly caught it" or "you tried really hard to catch it" - just because I don't want him to think I'm being stupid!

Praising's great - works in lots of situations, but I also find that giving a choice can also help. Our ds is 2.1 yrs old and his stock answer is "no" to almost everything at the moment - from getting dressed to eating meals. It's hard to praise in these instances... so we just say OK, you either eat tea or not - it's up to you. He usually says "no" and then 5 - 10 minutes later will ask for his food - just takes a bit of nerve on our part..! Or with getting dressed - we give him a choice of 2 things - 2 tops etc and tell him that's it, or the choice is he either gets dressed or goes back in his cot, etc. Of course this means everything takes twice as long as usual but there's less shouting/screaming (and that's just us!). Of course as soon as he's chosen to eat/get dressed/etc. he gets tons of praise!!

dot1, yes, praise and little things that make them feel kind of grown up and important. If I very seriously ask my daughter to put something in a particular place, she goes ahead with the greatest care and gravitas and when I say 'thank you very much, that was very helpful' she just looks so delighted.

i haven't read through all the replies so apologies if i'm repeating anyone. I have skimmed and i agree with lots of praise and asking the child to do jobs, my dd (2.10) LOVES helping me at most things if it sounds like i REALLY need her help!
Another good thing i feel is not to immediately say the word NO in reply! I try as hard as possible ,(where applicable of course, she doesn't get everything she wants!), to think about what she's asked for and say yes..........after we do this or when we have time..etc! Hope that makes sense!!
Agree with dot1 about choices too
Good luck