Behaviour problems in 5 year old

[nancysgirl]

I'm sure this is a thread that has been done to death but I'm not a regular and couldn't see anything in archives so have started a new one.

My dd is 5 next month, and for the last 2 years or more she has had spells of extremely aggressive/violent behaviour. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does it can last for weeks. The rest of the time she is generally a sweetheart, very loving, kind and very funny and affectionate.
To be brief, my concern is that it is to do with me! I've been watching "Tiny Tearaways" this last week and have realised that in most cases it is the parents who "cause" the problems. Since dd was born, I have lost my dad, got divorced, suffered from severe depression and generally been in a pretty bad way. Although I feel very much on the uo now, I am left wondering if I have caused some lasting damage to dd and I am racked with guilt. I also feel terrible because sometimes don#t look forward to being with her as she is such hard work at times.
Anyway,other than being after some sympathy(!!) I was wondering if anyone can think of what I can do? Are there people in the medical profession who can help us? Or someone I can talk to about my parenting skills-or lack of? I feel we need help but don't know where to turn. I draw the line at applying to go on TT but Dr Tanya Byron is exactly the sort of person I need!!
BYW we have gone beyond stickers and rewards and star charts-I need Supernanny!!
Hope someone can help. Ta

If you are in a Sure Start area, then it might be worth contacting your local family learning centre to see what is on offer.....

What does Sure Start do? I've had such a sleepless night worrying about it. Then had a msg this morning from ex who had dd overnight saying how great she was with him! Feel like he is really rubbing my nose in it! She's always good with him but then she only sees him for a few hours aweek. I could scream!!!

Hello Anyone there?!!!

Nancygirl,I dont know if this is any help but i have 2 ds .Ds1 is 5 and last year before he was5 i was tearing my hair out with worry over his behaviour(aggressive,rude,backchat etc)I was talking about it to friend who said they knew someone who had taken child to psychologist re similar behaviour at same age.Psych said child perfectly normal and all books tell you about is terrible 2s but no one ever mentions the f*king 4s!!!Felt reassured and ds1 now becoming nice person :)

Hi Nancysgirl

I would start by looking at what you do already.
What sort of things does your dd do? You say she is lovely a lot of the time - can you work out a trigger for the periods of bad behaviour?

Do you reward the good behaviour as well as do sanctions for bad? Are you and your ex consistent in how you treat her and expect her to behave? Do you have firm boundaries that she understands?

Does she get enough sleep, eat a healthy diet etc? has she just started school - my ds started palying up when he was in reception as a response to the newness of it all, so it could be just an age thing.

Loads of questions!

Hi nancysgirl; maot important thing is not to beat yourself up or waste energy worrying if it is something you did. This sort of stuff is especially hard to deal with on your own - no supportive partner to take any of the load or reassure that you are fine (so is dd by the way). Everyone has periods like this with their children but some lucky mums have people to empathize and support. If your dd consistently behaved in an uncontrollable way I would ask for some professional help (talk to health visitor as first step?). As this behaviour is inconsistent I'd try looking at diet, sleep, etc - start with the obvious things.
Also, is there anything going on at school, with her friends or even with your ex?
Just sticking to a rigid (ish) routine may help to smooth things over.
Most important thing in this is to take care of yourself and take some time out when dd tough going - hope this helpful.

nancysgirl, of course your DD is good with your ex! She doesn't know him as well as she knows you, so she's on best behaviour with him!

She knows you'll love her, whatever she does, so that gives her the courage to misbehave.

Not saying you shouldn't do your best to sort things out, but don't beat yourself up over it, and don't see the fact she's good for your ex as a sign he's a better parent than you!

Thanks everyone. I have thought and thought about triggers-can't pin it down to anything. She eats very well, sleeps well, is very active and very jolly when she is in a "good" mood, but often when we are on our own in the house that is when the behaviour starts. I don't think ex and I are consistent but that is because he is an ae and makes her fit in with his plans-doesn't do things for her, only what suits him. (hence the divorce!!!)
I think she does have clear boundaries, but this is 1 of my worries-are they actually clear to her and how do I know?
Interestingly my friend and her dd have just been here for tea and her dd fell down the stairs. MY dd went instantly into hysterical mode, screaming and flailing at her friend and saying that she hates her-like she does with me. What was clear tho was that dd was terrified and shocked about friends fall-you could see it on her face before she lost it. It was almost as if she was blaming her friend for upsetting her, ,sort of "I feel bad cos I'm scared so I'm going to blame you". It was quite an insight. She obviouslt was upset but didn't know how to express it. Perhaps that is what is happening with us?
Sorry, long ramble-make any sense?

nancys, I would second the suggestions to approach surestart. They may be able to help.

You say it's usually when the two of you are at home that the probs start. What sort of routine have you got each day? What happens - meals, cleaning, washing, play, where are you, where is she - that sort of thing?

I only ask as it can be quite illuminating to examine what you and she do each day and what your actual interactions are like. What proportion of your time is spent playing with her or talking to her without other distractions? Are you and she physically affectionate?

Sometimes really getting into the detail of this sort of thing can throw up a sudden realisation - my god, I NEVER spend time playing with my child! or similar - of course not saying this is you, ust that it can help to look at it this way.

Also one big help would be attempting to ensure your ex does implement similar boudaries - I know this is asking alot but you can explain it is in your child's interest, not yours - your DD may well be confused and finding difficulty in going between the two of you; I thought you picked up on a very interesting aspect of her going ape at her friend for hurting herself - it sounds like there is a girl who gets frightened but tries to push it away by getting cross?

hth!

I will have a real think about how we spend our time together-we do play and chat a lot, but maybe I'm not always giving her my full attention. The problem is, when we do play she hates it ending and then creates if I say well I need to cook the dinner now or suchlike. We are physically very close, very affectionate, but again sometimes it annoys me because I can't do anything without her wanting to be next to me. Can't even go to the loo without her watching! She sounds very insecure now I've said that doesn't she? Poor lamb!

Do you give your dd a few minutes notice that something is going to end? Some children really need to know what is going to happen next and it can work really well to say something like "in 5 minutes I'm going to go and make the tea. You can carry on playing or come and help me". That way, you're not suddenly stopping things - she has a few minutes to get used to the idea. Use a kitchen timer if necessary so she has a visual and auditory clue too.

Surestart centres offer support with positive parenting techniques.

HI Littlefish
That's a good idea-the timer for ending things. She's used to it for time out-calls it the naughty timer! I just find her so demanding at times, feels stiffling that I can't sit down without dd on my lap etc. She will often stand in my way if I am cooking or cleaning, cling to my legs sobbing or whining. HAs even been known to throw the stuff I am using across the kitchen. Once empted the dishwasher as quick as I was filling it!

I find with ds if I set the timer and tell him then he will do things before it goes off! Deffo recommend trying it.