Epic tantrums and weary mum

[Kaleyq]

Please can anyone offer me some advice? I'm 25 weeks pregnant with my second child and have a son who will be 3 in April. He's generally a lovely child but over the last 2-3 months he is having some breath taking tantrums. I'm getting to the point where I'm scared of taking him anywhere. The main issue seems to be having to return home when he has been doing something he enjoys. Today is a prime example. We attended a play group where he had a great time playing with his friend and being a normal child of his age. When the group came to an end and I told him we needed to go he defiantly refused to cooperate and proceeded to run around the hall until I had to physically carry him out. He refused to put his coat on so I had to take him out to the car in the cold. By the time we got to the car he decided he wanted his coat, which I put on. Once in his car seat he worked himself up screaming and shouting where he almost made himself sick. Once home things were calm again. Unfortunately the same thing happened again when we went to my sisters for tea and he refused to leave again. I had to physically hold him still until he would let me put his shoes and coat on and take him to the car. I feel so upset about it all and I'm continually analysing the situation to see if I'm doing anything wrong as a parent. Please help, I'm feeling pretty desperate x

He is doing what all toddlers do - testing the boundaries to see if he can move them.

You're doing the right thing by carrying on with leaving regardless of his tantrum because he will then learn that he can't move the boundaries by tantruming and do it a lot less.

You could maybe help him to cope with leaving places if you give him a countdown or some staged warnings that the end is approaching, e.g. now we're doing xxx, then we will be singing songs together and after that it will be time to go home.

I know it's hard but if you remain calm and consistent it will get better. It feels like the world is looking on and criticising but try to remember that most people are sympathising because they know exactly what it feels like.

your doing absolutely nothing wrong as a parent this is all a normal part of there development. my ds is almost 5 and he still does epic tantrums. have you tried giving him a 5 minute warning before his fun time has to end. i know its hard but just try ignore his tantrums and dont wrry about other people watching in horror theyve all been there at some point. good luck with your new baby

Thank you all for your replies. It's good to hear that you all say it's normal behaviour. This morning I felt like the only one with a child that didn't want to play ball but I guess everyone has felt like that at some point. The techniques I've tried are warning him that it will be time to go home soon, talking him through what I need him to do "mummy needs you to put your shoes on now", being firm but calm etc. I'm finding it hard because Of the pregnancy hormones I think and I'm feeling myself starting to panic when he refuses after trying everything I can think of. I then start to lose my cool and he knows I'm getting cross. I then feel terrible for feeling cross and marching him out against his will. I will try the idea of having something in the car for him and making the walk to the car fun ( not standing on cracks in the pavement). Am I doing the wrong thing by suggesting a consequence to defiant behaviour such as not watching his favourite tv programme that day?

Try just saying what you want very simply, especially if he's getting upset. Literally just "shoes on" over and over until he does it. This will help him to process the action he needs to take more quickly and easily.

You're doing lots of things right so stick at it and it will get better.

Try to make consequences immediate if you really need to have them. Not watching tv later doesn't make much sense to a two year old, especially if they have been good leading up to the time the programme should be on.

I'd try to lead him with with a positive instead e.g. "If you come now you can carry the xxx". If he doesn't come say "Ok. I will carry it then". Does that make sense.

Yes that does make sense. I do feel I need to deal with it there and then and not drag the issue out over the day. I will try to be as positive and immediate with actions as I can. It sort of sounds like its my own feelings about it that I'm struggling with the most, I hate having any conflict with him, impossible with a toddler I guess!. And it's the fear of others opinions, that I'm failing as a parent. Thank you for your encouragement.

Toddler push against the wall to check it wont fall down. The wall being boundaries, obv!

Enforced choice is a good tactic too

"you choose: you put your shoes on like a big boy, or mummy can do them for you."

Followed by

"you do it or mummy do it - you choose"

It passes, DD is a different child at 3.2 compared with 2.10!

Thank you blondieminx, that's good to hear that it passes. We have another group that we go to on Tuesdays so will try the suggestions if the situation arises tomorrow. What would you all do if you have exhausted all techniques with no luck?

When you say all tactics how long are you sticking with each tactic?

Parenting a toddler takes endless patience and erm, more stubbornness than the toddler! he needs to know that what mummy says, goes.

I found this book quite helpful (borrowed from library - if yours hasn't got it then ask if they can get it in for you!)

If the child doesn't cooperate with the choices offered like blondie's shoes you make the choice for them.

You offer them the choice and count to ten.

If they don't choose offer the choice again using exactly the same words and count to ten again.

If they still don't choose you tell them that if they don't choose by the count of five you will choose for them.

Count to three, one count every two seconds. Don't add halves or quarters because that takes away their ability to judge when the end will arrive.

If they haven't chosen you just do it for them in a matter of fact way and move on.

You haven't failed if they haven't chosen. They are learning where the boundaries are and that you mean what you say. It's a long term strategy which pays dividends if you are really consistent.

Really don't worry about others judging you. They are probably feeling for you and if they are criticising they are not worth a moment of your time anyway.

by ds was terrible for this but I learnt that if you have snacks and pre warn him he will be much easier to handle.

good luck with your new little one :D

Normal behavior, just horrid to deal with, especially when pregnant. Practice being very bored with screamy noises.

Yy to snacks, also careful wording can avert a lot of wah.

So instead of saying "it's time to put your coat on and leave now" (because he will hear " leave the fun and joy and all that is good and be tied up I. An instrument of torture and never ever have fun again. Ever")

Say "It's time to have a snack now, come with me and I'll give it to you"

Totally normal, sounds like you're handling it fine to me. As a parent you constantly question the way you handle these situations, and sometimes you lookback on individual incedences and think you might have done it better, but nobody's perfect!
I've always found counting works, as in "you need to have your coat on by the count of 10.......1.......2 etc." In fact my DS quite likes it and often says "mummy you need to count" before he'll cooperate! But once I start counting boy does he get moving!