6 (nearly 7) year old DD and blazing rows

[billingtonssugar]

Hi there,

I'm ashamed to say that things have reached breaking point in our home. My DD and I are having blazing rows and I am finding myself increasingly useless in the parenting stakes. She is whinging and whining constantly "ouch my arm" "my tummy HURTS!!" "you hurt my leg with your nails!!!" etc ALL THE TIME.

She has an appalling attitude, like an out of control teenager. She cocks her head and tells me "whatever!" she ignores my requests to do anything. Wont get up in the morning. Tells me she hates me. Cries at the drop of a hat. won't tidy anything away. Eats what she wants, refuses to go to bed... I could go on.

When she realises I am upset she will eventually apologise, then two minutes later it starts again. I dislike the person I am when I am with her. I am a nagging, shouting, boring old woman and all I am doing currently is counting the hours until she goes and stays with her Dad (we are seperated and share care).

My partner is supportive to me but not that hands on. He tends to step in when things get really bad which of course my DD resents as she just sees him as getting involved in something which is between us. She can't understand that it hurts him to see me being screamed at, hit, kicked and insulted on a constant and ongoing basis.

I been going back to basics (time-out, taking away priviledges, rewarding good behaviour, routine and reward charts, stopping pocket money) over the last year or so but nothing is working. She just refuses. She is big for her age and I can't physically restrain her or pick her up and put her in time out.She just laughs at me. I didn't want to be this kind of mother. I see other mums having fun with their children and I wish I could do it. I just can;t see the funny side of anything now. She does this thing after we've had a particularly big row where she'll start being all cutesy and funny, obviuosly trying to gain my favour again. I tell her that she doesn't need to do that and once she has said sorry it is all over and we start again. But she still does it and it makes me feel sick. What a shit dynamic.... I feel like we are strangers sometimes.

Oh I feel for you and DD. I have a DD aged 8 and have JUST gone through similar. It turned out...we think...that she needed more attention from me and from DH. She wanted one to one...a LOT and wasn't really getting any.

We're busy and also have a younger DD and poor old DD1 was having lots to cope with and we'd kind of left her out a bit.

It seemed that our lives were one big argument and one big shouting match...and us taking stuff from her all the time in an attempt to make her be good.

What has worked better is us talking to her about it when she is in a good mood...rather than waiting for something to go wrong first. So we talked to her about how to communicate better...and explained that sometimes, she nags or misbehaves because there is SOMETHING she wants...and that if she finds herself nagging or being naughty....to stop and think about what she REALLY wants.

Usually it was attention...a hug, a chat...something one to one. We had to do this talk a few times but now she's begun to realise...and when she has a tantrum or is mean to us or her sister...we say.."Hang on...what is it that you're after here? What do you want? Is it a hug or a chat or something else?"

And her behaviour has improved SO much. DH and I also agreed to not shout at her at all...we agreed this among he and I privately as we were doing far too much yelling. We said that even when DD yelled, or was badly behaved we must not shout at all...as it fed the anger.

So when he or I begins to lose it, the other reminds about the no shouting. It helps get things smoother so much more quickly.

Thx Neo. All food for thought.

My DD does seem to need A LOT of attention. I give it where I can but (eg.) in the morning before school there just isn't time. I tell her if she gets up, gets dressed, brushes her teeth then we can have a nice walk to school and chat together happily. I get in to bed with her when she wakes up and we have a cuddle and some kisses etc. I aks her if she slept well and what she dreamt about. But she wants me with her constantly all morning by her side. She wants me to dress her, brush her teeth, sit with her while she laboriously picks over her breakfast. and any pull away from me whatsoever results in her having a complete melt down. If I dare to talk to my partner at all... well, I may as well have just invited satan in to the house to burn all her toys.

I left my career back in July to spend more time with her but am going to go back part time as it all went horribly wrong, the more time we spent together the worse it got. And it has kept getting worse. she has becme more and more dependant on me and less independant. She just drops everything hwere it falls and walks away then shrugs if I ask her to pck it up and just says it is my job. She tells me she works harder than me and I do nothing so I can just pick up after her.

Then, just like that, she can be the sweetest thing. But it never lasts long.

Gosh she does sound insecure...I relate to the dropping stuff...my DD does that too and it's exausting to nag them about it ALL the time isn't it. Sometimes it feels faster to do it yourself! I am trying my best to make DD pick her mess up...

Re your DDs insecurity...THIS BOOK has good reviews...I'm not one for parenting books but this is meant to be very good.

I think DD sounds insecure and whether that's because she grew aware of you leaving your career to be with her I'm not sure...does she know that's why you left?

Hmm, not exactly. As soon as I said I was leaving work she got carried away with how that would mean we could spend more time together and I never set her straight.

Will check out that book. I just can't bear the thought of her being unhappy or that i am somehow inadvertantly fucking her up I wonder if she would be bteer off living withher dad as she is much less combative there and they seem to have such fun.

It has arrived in my Kindle

Oh good...the reviews were good weren't they? You're not fucking her up...you love her. She knows that. They're weird things and we just have to muddle through as best we can don't we.

She sounds spoilt, not insecure. I recognise a little of this behavior in my own ds2 when he has had too much of his own way, he's the same age as your dd. I don't cook dinner until my living room is picked up, I don't sit with children who are bratting about their food, and I do NOT, NOT EVER get hit. I will go absolutely fucking ballistic if I get hit, and he hasn't done it for a very long time now.

I would give her less attention, not more. She needs to learn that whilst she is an important and special person, perhaps the most special person in your life, she is not the ONLY person in your life, and if she misbehaves while you are talking to your partner, ask her to be quiet and leave the room if she can't behave. Also, threaten to record her behavior and show her teacher. Hitting is outrageous.

coldtitz - you are sat on my other shoulder..

Lol, yes, I have the soft mummy on one shoulder ("poor little boy, broken home, year two is hard etc etc")

And rock'ard mam on the other shoulder ("WHAT did you just call me? I think you'd better get you backside upstairs and stay there until you figure out how to be a polite person!")

i sympathise hugely and wanted to share my similar challenge as I am going through something similar with my dd1 aged almost 7. she has always been quite precocious - physically and academically - and has always been a bit of a challenge at home but beautifully behaved at school, friends houses, in public etc. Well, for the most part anyway. However, she has recently been sent out of a school music club for being disruptive (making the other kids laugh on purpose rather than being mean), and also has started talking about 'feeling naughty' and not being able to control herself before trying to hit our or shout out, a bit like a toddler having a tantrum, albeit half heartedly. she has also been falling out with her best school friend a fair bit and has experienced some name calling at school which I spoke to the teacher about and which I think is being well dealt with. Whats going on mums? sloppy parenting? I work 3 days and have a toddler too, I am not always the most consistent or the toughest disciplinarian but she certainly doesn't run riot. hormones? testing boundaries in a new cognitive development? all advice and tips for handling welcome - I feel like she isn't very happy....and I see some of her friends behaving like angels and doing exactly what their parents say like sweet little things. Nature or nurture?