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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Worried about DS not playing with anyone in playground

15 replies

josben · 09/05/2006 11:04

DS1 has just turned 5 and has been at school since Jan this year. On the whole he's seemed quite happy to go to school, but the last couple of weeks he's not been so keen - I asked him yesterday who he'd played with in the playground and he said no one - he's just walked around on his own... He's is quite quiet, and has a sensitive nature and I've noticed that he doesn't really play rough with the other boys when we've been to soft play parties. I'm worried that I've babied him too much and have made him timid and so he doesn't like to join in with the other boys who all seem more boisterous than him... He did used to play with two friends that were more like him but they seem to have 'palled' up more and he doesn't mention them so much... What can I do to help him to join in with others playtime?

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Snips · 09/05/2006 11:07

Are you sure he doesn't play with others? At this age they often tend to say no-one is playing with them, when in fact they do play with others. We went through a similar thing and asked the teacher and they told us he does play with others. Is it worth maybe having a chat with the teacher or have you already done that?

foxinsocks · 09/05/2006 11:13

not all boys are rough and tumble so don't feel bad about not having one that isn't like that!

as snips says, more often than not reception children say things like this (dd still does it in yr1)

have a word with his teacher - ask whether they have a 'friendship bench' - it's a bench where you sit if you feel you have no-one to play with and theoretically, older children/helpers come and try and involve you with other children

also, perhaps ask his teacher if there are any less rough boys or girls he likes to play with and find out whether you can have them round for tea

Original poster

josben · 09/05/2006 11:14

I have already done that, and his teacher said that he mixs well and plays with friends... I think that I'm a bit neurotic about him having friends and being confident because I was always quite shy at school... But I'm just realising that other boys are really rough, and I guess I don't want him to miss out on play because he's worried about getting hurt...

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Original poster

josben · 09/05/2006 11:16

Thanks Foxinsocks, I will start inviting soome new friends round for tea, and I'll ask about a friendship bench - not heard of that before...

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foxinsocks · 09/05/2006 11:17

mm I have a non-rough (but sporty) boy and I know what you mean

If he doesn't like playing rough, there's nothing you can do. I can't believe he misses out on anything if his teacher thinks he is happily mixing with other kids.

They know how to make us worry, children! I would take a deep breath and try and nurture his friendships with the less rough children.

Blu · 09/05/2006 11:20

josben - if the teacher says he is mixing well, then I think you can be confident that he is. There is a big difference between 'boistrous' and 'rough', and you do not need to assume that he will get hurt just because they are lively. He will develop a good sense of who to stay away from if he is nervous, but if you worry on his behalf then i think you DO risk making him more nervous and less likely to mix.

Original poster

josben · 09/05/2006 11:21

Yes, will do that - I'm a nightmare worrier at the mo' He's just started a football club which he loves so I will def encourage him to play lots of sports...

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elliedragon · 09/05/2006 11:21

I have ds1 aged 5 in reception. He comes home from school saying no-one played with him sometimes but just yesterday I walked passed the playground when they were outside and he was with a group of people and he came out of school saying no-one had played with him, so sometimes I think that it is not as bad as you think.

Blu · 09/05/2006 11:22

Good grief - what on earth are you worried about? if he is a keen footballer, he will have no problems at all!

Blu · 09/05/2006 11:24

DS started in Jan too, and came home with the most heart-rending tales of being pushed away by other children, older boys 'being rough with me', quite often says he played with 'no-one'.

His teacher tells me he is at the centre of a huge social circle, and the rest was fantasy. they don't even mix with older boys during the school day!!....

Original poster

josben · 09/05/2006 11:25

I will def try to chill out - I think that you are right blu - 'cos I can feel myself tensing up when I asked him who he played with and then my expression changing Good god woman, I must relax! What will i be like when he's a teenager?!

OP posts:

Blu · 09/05/2006 11:28

Oh, if he sees you look upset, he will be twanging those hert strings like nobodies business!

I do know how hert-in-your-mouth it all is. DS is quite small for his age, is v lively, but not physically forceful. he also has a didgy leg and can't run like other kids, so i was quite anxious. And they have extremely sensitive anxiety detectors - which I am sure led to DS's tales of woe and epic dramas.

shimmy21 · 09/05/2006 11:44

I've been through this too and I really understand the gut-wrenching feeling when your child says they don't have anyone to play with. I've done the loitering behind a tree to spy on ds2 to see if he's playing with others. Sometimes he is and sometimes he isn't. But I'd agree with everyone else that the chances are that you don't need to worry. Over time I've found out with ds the following...

he's realised that saying 'nobody will play with me' puts me in to panic caring mother mode and he gets loads of attention (he now uses the line whenever he wants sympathy such as when he's told to tidy up his room or doesn't like his supper!)
He only tells me that bad bits. He'll come home and say I didn't have anyone to play with but on further questioning I'll discover that this was just for 5 minutes when his friend went to the loo and for 90% of the time he was with mates.

3.Ds will choose at times not to play a game with his mates that he is welcome to join in because he just doesn't fancy the game.

Things get better with time. Both my dss did this in reception and there was a fair bit of shifting of friendships while they found other children that they shared the same outlook with but as they learn a bit more about give and take and they find other children who enjoy the same sorts of things, they get much better at joining in. Now ds2 is in Yr2 and we very rarely hear the 'noone plays with me' theme. He's got a lovely bunch of friends who are all different people to the gang he wanted to play with in reception.

Do keep up the talking with the teacher though. They have so much to think about that unless you regularly draw any problems to their attention they will assume that there is no problem. Good luck and don't worry. Your ds sounds lovely!

Original poster

josben · 09/05/2006 11:47

Ah, thanks shimmy, it's good to know that others have been in similar situations...

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lazymommy · 15/05/2006 03:34

A few days late, i know , but never mind, just wanted to share....
My son is 6 and on the way home from school i always ask
"who have you been playing with?" replies "no-one"....
"What have you been doing today?" replies "nothing"
"What did you have for your dinner?" replies "nothing"
I got quite worried and went to see the teacher who assured me that this is perfectly normal and put it a bit like this....When he is at school, that is 'his time'and apparently some children don't want to share this with their parents. Not sure why but it seems to make sense.

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