Beaten up by my toddler and so down about it

[Lamazeroo]

I feel like I'm constantly being beaten up by my own baby! Not really, but I would like advice from anyone who's been through similar.
My DS is 17 months and every day he hits, slaps, pinches, bites, scratches me. A lot of the time it's when he's breastfeeding. He'll just casually lean an arm back then slap me full-force in the face or neck. If I tell him no he thinks it's hilarious and repeats it with gusto. Once he hurt me enough to make me cry, which he thought was hysterically amusing and an invitation to pull my hair and hit me harder.

I'm also having a horrible time with him hitting other children at soft play/on play dates etc. No provocation is necessary; he'll just reach out and casually slap the face of a passing child. Again, if I tell him no he finds it funny and is even more keen to go on the offence. I'm so embarrassed, and always apologise to the por child and other parent. Parents tell me it's a phase and it will pass, but my DS seems rather more into this phase than his peers. It's so frustrating as I just don't understand why he does it. Can anyone offer advice?

If it helps you to know: he's an extremely attached baby. Breastfeeds every 2-3 hours day and night, co-sleeps, very clingy to me. I'm a full time mum. He's only ever spent a couple of hours at a time away from me, and only then with my DH or family. He's very distressed if he's not with me. He breastfeeds to sleep and only I can put him to sleep. He had a very traumatic start to life and endured a lot of horrible, painful medical procedures. He's also had some ongoing health issues, and has experienced a lot of pain through these. I don't know if any of this is relevant to the hitting, but it may help to explain why he is so attached to me.
DH and I are very quiet, non-aggressive people. DS has never experienced or witnessed any violence, or even any raised voices at home.
The whole thing - him hitting both me and his contemporaries - is really getting me down and I'd appreciate any advice or words of wisdom.

Agree with pps, you need to remove him when he hits. If he hit one of my dc more than once I would be having a word with you. My dd went through a pushing stage at similar age and I had to stalk her when we were out, never had a warm cup of tea!

I know where you're coming from and it's no joke, scratches to the face, nips and bites get you down. My toddler was the same. He is much better at 2 but sometimes reverts. I actually resorted to hauling him up like a cub and plonking him in time out which seemed to work, giving zero attention. At 17 months though it's so difficult, try not to react, no squeals or even an ouch which can be a fun reaction for the child. Place at arms length and say we don't hit/scratch etc. But i think it might take months to sink in.

Agree with other posters, you really need to start being much, much more firm. There is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with saying "no" to a 17-mo and carrying out consequences like stopping BF any time he is violent, removing him from any setting where he is violent (after a warning) and removing him from you any time he attacks you. Plus, of course remember to heap on the praise and rewards whenever he is kind and gentle.

It's best if you are not angry or upset, just firm, matter-of-fact and consistent. Toddlers need this - it's not cruel, and he will understand. You're the big, surrounding, authoritative figure in his life ad it is from you that he needs to learn what is and isn't OK and how to behave - otherwise he'll be floundering around and get more and more like this in an attempt to get a response and boundaries from you. I know this sounds like psycho waffle but I've seen it happen with parents who don't want to say no and who think toddlers are too little to learn to control themselves. They end up being a punchbag for a 4, 5, 6-yo instead.

Stop feeling bad about being the boss and laying down the law - IME he wants you do to that.

Do think you need to nip this in the bud. I have a very good friend whom I no longer see because I got fed up of her ds being aggressive to mine. A firm but not harsh no and just putting him down and walking away worked wonders with both of mine at that age and we also ebf'ed and co slept. Letting your son know what is acceptable and what is not is an important part of a loving and nurturing relationship.

btw I should have also said - I feel for you as I know how horrible it is when a baby/toddler hurts you badly enough to make you cry. DS pulled my hair once in a shop, very, very hard and I'd had a tough day and I burst into tears, it was awful. But the firm approach people on this thread have been describing did work, over time.

First tackle the hitting at home, and stop going to playgroups for a while until the hitting at home has stopped. otherwise it is too much to tackle at once

When he hits you when breastfeeding, remove him calmly from the the breast and put him down, look away from him and say calmly "no hitting". If he is just crying but not hitting, give him your attention again after only a few seconds and show him how to touch you gently when breastfeeding.

He may get upset and try to hit you again, if he does this turn your back and refuse to look at him. When he stops hitting you can give him your attention again and how to touch gently. Put him back on the beast. If he hits again, repeat etc.

Use a similar technique when he hits you at other times. He wants your attention or reaction and hitting is working, make sure it doesn't.

As well as doing this technique I would look into a play therapist. Your son has had some traumatic events happen to him and he has no verbal skills to process his feelings about this. He can do this through play. He needs help to process with his emotions and he also needs firm but gentle boundaries from you to help him feel safe. In time and with effort this will resolve but it won't if you just ignore it.

I have one almost the same age. I am a softie with toddlers but the following 2 things persuade me that it is important to be firm:

1. Toddlers' understanding is many months ahead of their speech so he may understand a lot more than you think; and
2. It vital to teach them to do what you say as soon as you can or they won't listen when they are in dangerous situations eg running towards the road. So it's really about keeping them safe.

I agree with the stalking Alan. . Still do it, up on the play frame with the toddlers. I feel like doing a David Attenborough commentary at times.

Ps also agree with other posters that play dates may become a problem. I would be ok with my son hanging out with a hitter perhaps if I felt the parent was taking appropriate steps to prevent it. I would not be happy with it if I felt not enough was being done to stop my Dc being hit.

How will he ever understand no if you never say it to him?

Presumably you and dh have been speaking to your ds for 17+months already. If you think he can't understand what you're saying - why bother?

I think you are heading towards a hard few years if you continue on the path you're on. Yes, kids grow out of things but, usually with guidance from their parents. They don't bring themselves up. That's your job.

I know he's had a very hard start in life and I'm sorry for all of you for that but it doesn't mean you have to compensate by being soft with him. You are really not doing him any favours. He won't just magically 'get it' if you don't teach him.

This is the link for Kellymom nursing manners

Both of mine were biters while bf for a short time at around 9-10 months. While not old enough to appreciate they were hurting me, they certainly understood it meant they lost the boob and were placed on the floor every time they bit me.

I think the same should apply when he hurts you.

Unlatch, say 'no hurting' and place him on the floor - turn away and give no other reaction. If he is doing it to explore your reaction then don't reward it! I don't think you need to shout or scare him, just a firm 'no hurting', loss of the pleasant snuggle, and mum busies herself with something else MN

Thing is, what does NO mean, really? He's hearing "blah blah blah" because there are no consequences to his actions.

When he bites or hits or whatever, either plonk him down on the floor (if you're BFing for eg) or if he's at a play date shut him away/naughty step or whatever.

It always amazes me the number of parents who wring their hands and say "I always say NO but it doesn't work...."

Of course it doesn't if it isn't accompanied by some sort of consequence.

Oh and if your little menace hit my child and instead of you doing something constructive you tried to make your child STROKE mine I'd be less than impressed.

I think that you do have to do something to show him that this isn't acceptable. I am also an attached/gentle parent and I thought that it would pass as DS got older and was more able to understand his actions, how to get stuff across better etc, but this wasn't the case. I wish I had started showing him some kind of consequence for his actions. Luckily he never hit other children, but it's still not great that he is hurting me.

It doesn't have to be harsh - I'm not advocating banishing him to another room - just something which gives him a clear message - this is not OK. Something that has worked well for my AP friends is having a "calm down" or "thinking" chair, corner or step, so that the emphasis isn't on "naughty" or it being a punishment, just that the child needs to be removed from the situation to give them a chance to calm down without hurting anyone. And referring to it as the thinking chair/calm down corner etc means that they can go and use it for themselves too if they want to because it doesn't have a negative connotation. You can make it cosy with blankets etc if you like.

I also agree with withdrawing the positive attention e.g. playing/nursing etc if he is hitting or scratching you. Again this does not need to be done harshly/accusingly, but if he hits other children, they won't want to play with him. You're just showing him that he needs to behave respectfully towards people when they are being nice and spending time with him.

Good luck! :)

YY I don't agree with the logic of replacing hitting with stroking - it's not a natural response. That works for tiny babies who don't understand how to vary the force by which they are grabbing someone, not for toddlers. Toddlers need a way to express their frustration without hurting.

Of course he is old enough to understand 'no' and being removed from the breast if he pinches or hits you.

Don't make the mistake of thinking 'he's only a baby, he's only a baby'. He is a baby, but they understand an awful lot by this age and now is when you need to introduce a little gentle discipline to steer them away from undesirable behaviour.
Otherwise in another few months you will be 'that mum and toddler' that people start to avoid.

I'm sorry that your experience of motherhood has been so traumatic, and I can understand why it has made you feel as you do about your son - that you can't discipline him.
But please do, for your own sake, otherwise you are in for a tough few years of trying to control his behaviour.

My daughter went through a phase of biting me or trying to bite - think she was about 9 months? I said no! Very loudly, very firmly and put her alone in a cot or five mins. She understood 'no' perfectly well.

I have other friends who refuse to discipline a 3 year old because he is 'too little' to understand. I think they are very wrong, but I know their intentions are good. But there is no magic switch in his brain that will make him 'old enough' at 4 or 5 to understand. He has been allowed to be aggressive for a long time now and I worry for him and how this will impact on his relationships with other children.

Maybe the problem is that you have a child who is not merely a toddler with toddler's energy, but he is developing into a person who is temperamentally very different to both you and your husband? He may react in ways differently to your understanding of the world and that can make it hard.

But I agree with everyone else - he has to understand and conform to the rule that you don't just whack others when you feel like it, or this will bring serious problems all along the line.

My ds went through the same stage at around this age although it was just to me. We found that by putting him on the floor without saying anything or racing and ignoring him until his behaviour changed (ie when he came over and was gentle, brought a book). We then praised the positive behaviour.

We found alot of the time his behaviour was attention seeking or him clumsily trying to learn how to socialise. By making a big deal if the behaviour it gave him the attention he wanted.

(this is what the hv also recommended)

As he gets older and develops speech we then got him to apologise for any hitting etc but we still use the controlled ignoring for temper tantrums etc

I understand your thoughts that 17months is to young for no etc but you really aren't that far away from terrible two tantrums and whilst not everyone suffers them if he is already hitting its likely to get a lot worse once he reaches that stage.
My daughter is a biter/ kisser - to begin with the kissing was cute but randomly it would turn into a nasty bite. The same with if we were out and she went to kiss someone else and they pulled away it would become a bite. Shouting or getting cross did nothing for her, we through trail and error came to the tactics that if we realise which way its going in time say "no biting mummy only likes nice kisses" which normally changes the bite into an over the top sloppy kiss or if it doesn't or if she catches you by surprise I immediately get up and walk away from her. It's the one thing she really hates.
In public it's keeping constant attention and interrupting before it happens or grabbing her straight away and making her say sorry to kid and parent concerned and then out of play area. She learnt sorry and that it means she's done wrong at 19 months because of this.
As someone else has said they understand an awful lot more than they can say.

How about seeing if there's a Toddler Calm class near you?

I agree that you do need to say something to him, otherwise you're giving out the message that it's ok to hit and ok to be hit. I don't like the idea of ignoring though - he's obviously acting out big emotions, possibly due to whatever happened early on, like you suggested. My DS is also 17 mo and bites/hits/hair pulls most days, though not excessively. I also practice attachment/gentle parenting and when he does bite or hit, I firmly say "no biting/hitting, biting/hitting hurts mummy" if he's bitten, ill say "you can't bite people but we can find something you can bite", then we look for something together, like a think wooden block or something. If he bites me while breastfeeding, he comes off straight away but I don't ignore him. With hitting I say "gentle touch" and he does the face stroke thing too, it wasn't intentional but it does stop him hitting/grabbing. Hair pulling is a new one, we're still working on that!

With gentle parenting (or any parenting) it is important to set boundaries - he needs them to feel safe.

Oh, I meant to say, he might need another outlet for his anger/aggression. Check out "roughhousing". A friend's little girl was hitting and they started roughhousing or play fighting and the hitting stopped because she had an outlet for her aggression.

When they slap put them down and walk away for thirty seconds. It's the lack of attention which will make a bug difference IMO (parent of a biter)

Lamazeroo - I think some of the posters here are being a bit harsh to be fair. You sound like a lovely mother and have obviously had a rough couple of years. Watching your child be unwell and in paincan not have been easy. It is totally understandable that he wants and needs you.

Having a child that hits is very hard, but he is still so little that I very much doubt it's 'aggression' or anything to worry about. He does need to know that behaviour isn't nice and some of the suggestions above are great - staying calm, removing from situation, stopping a feed. He will get it. And you're not alone!

Rednellie, infants do feel anger, just as they feel hunger or joy - it's perfectly normal. And toddlers do act out these big emotions, sometimes by being aggressive. It is nothing to worry about because it's totally normal.