Left DS crying at nursery again - should he be at home with me instead?

[WeavingLoom]

My 2.5 year old ds has just started nursery, and after the first week of settling in, going in every day and building up the hours each day, he is now going 2 days per week 9am-3pm.

We are in the second week, early days I know, however after initially skipping happily to the nursery door, he now starts crying at the end of the road and I have to carry him there to stop him escaping in the opposite direction. When I leave he is always crying, and although the women who work there are lovely and comfort him, it breaks my heart to leave him like this.

Apparently he cries several times a day calling out for me, but they manage to distract him. He won't nap there and doesn't eat much lunch (two areas that have always been a struggle anyway). However when we talk to him about the day ahead and the new toys he'll play with he does seem excited, and he has been singing lots of new songs at home that he's learnt there.

The main reason we have started him now is that we have a 3 month ds, and I have found it hard to provide ds1 with enough stimulation whilst tending to the new baby. Also, having previously only been looked after by myself, dh or my mum, we thought it would be good for him to get used to a wider range of people before starting nursery/school full time.

I'm really wondering if we have made the right decision. The fact that I am at home at the moment so could be looking after him makes me even more uneasy, however after being on the waiting list for this very good nursery for a long time, it seemed foolish to turn down the place.

Do you think he is likely to settle in after a while or is it possible its just not right for him? I realise this is impossible to answer without knowing the little one, however any advice would be very gratefully received. It goes against all my instincts to leave him crying and I am really struggling with the emotions at the moment!

he will settle. They know how to pull on our heart strings. I had the same for 3 months trying to get my son to school . There maybe an element of him feeling like he is being shipped off because of the new baby. If you can try and get special time with just you and him and try to reassure him baby or not you love him to bits. But he will settle and he will once he is past this benefit greatly from socialising away from you. You are not being mean you are not worrying to much you are just a mum doing your best. He will be fine dont give in because it will drag the process out. He has to go through it and will settle.

Can you just send him mornings? I think that it is hard for him when he has been at home with you to being doing full days already - and of course he knows that you are with the new baby.

Yes he will benefit from socialising, but not if he is worn out and upset from not napping and not eating anything at lunchtime.

If your instinct says that he should be with you more of the time, then I would do that.

Could you do the same hours, but split over more days, e.g 9 til 1pm three days a week? Might make it a bit easier on him? My 18 month old DD has just started nursery too, and we're having similar issues so I know how awful you feel!

They generally are fine in week one then just as you think they're fine start creating merry hell from week 2. It's in the toddlers handbook apparently.

He'll settle! You just need to do a brisk and cheerful 'bye darling! Have a lovely day!' Peck on the cheek and retreat. Then go around the corner, sob a little and get off to work.

Mine was slightly older but we were advised to do just mornings. Less stress for them. We continued into the pre school year going every morning and it works really well. Full days would have been convenient for me but I think the half days regularly has been the best for my daugh er.

The fact that he cries for you during the day suggests he misses you at times. I don't think there is a huge benefit to him going to nursery at this point if you both feel more comfortable with him not going.

Agree with yellowhouse about half days too. Some of my children went mornings and that worked well for us.

Half days could work but at the same time I think you need to accept that the first month will be hard. I hated leaving my 11 month old in those early weeks, starting the day with all those tears..hated it. I don't think half days would stop him from being upset in the mornings. Ds does three full days a week and although I do get some guilt pangs I also think he really benefits from the different simulation and he has great relationships with the lovely staff there, who I know provide him with comfort if ever needed.

I agree that mornings only would be a better compromise. Just cut his hours, once they turn 3 they are swept into a world of regular nursery, if he wants more of you at 2.5 I would definitely give him that (obviously if you were not at home I wouldn't say the same thing!)

I am a nursery nurse with my own son as well. From the nursery perspective the children do settle eventually but they are all different and they all take their own time. I would suggest talking to the nursery nurses about your fears over your son, see if they can suggest anything to help the dropping off part. Maybe trying to drop him off with the same couple of girls or allowing him to take a comforting object from home or a photo of you. The nursery nurses should be able to help you if it is a good nursery.